[nabs-l] Social Stuff

Wed Sep 23 17:23:56 UTC 2009

I really enjoyed Arielle's post, and I felt that it alluded or perhaps more
so reminded me of a recent realization I had.

I lost my sight in middle school, and since that point have encountered a
large array of social questions and appropriate behavior from countless
parents. My mother did not have to do much in regards to restricting
inappropriate behavior, but recognized that some of the mannerisms that come
with blindness are not limited to those who have been blind their whole
life. I was asked not to rock, poke my eyes, and several other things for
the first few years, in which those tendencies seemed to not be an issue any
more.

My point however is that I personally find myself chasing this visual
perfection, and until recently I never stepped back to see how wrong it is.
I constantly find myself very embarrassed if I cook something wrong, spill a
glass of water, break a cheap whine glass, or something else that I
contribute to being blind related. However, thanks to my girlfriend I find
that I am also correcting her on various behaviors that I would not let
myself do. A great example is when she is filling up the sink for dishes she
turn the water to full blast, and she is not paying attention that it is
splashing. My room mate leaves crap everywhere, and is constantly loosing
his stuff as he has no idea where he put it down. As well as a weird
situation regarding a friend of mine who is an extremely sloppy eater and
she is commenting on how impressed she is that I can eat the same meal and
not have the same mess left over?

Not that I am implying it is okay to be a mess, but I realize that my
expectations on myself are not realistic, and it is okay to make mistakes. 

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Arielle Silverman
Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:04 AM
To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Subject: [nabs-l] Social Stuff

Hi all,

As both a psychology student and someone interested in blindness
issues I think this is a very interesting and important topic.
Regarding the first issue, that of learning facial expressions, I
don't know much of the literature beyond what's already been stated. I
do think it's true that automatic things like smiling and frowning
shouldn't be affected by blindness, while more controlled expressions
of feelings would be. I will admit that as someone who has been
functionally totally blind since birth I get a little depressed when I
read about all the theories of development that emphasize visual
activities like mimicking other people's movements, etc. But, I'm also
optimistic because I know there are plenty of totally blind people out
there who developed without major issues or problems. People and
especially babies are amazingly resilient.

	Regarding the issue of social skills and awkwardness I have a lot
more to say. This issue inevitably comes up often among NFB circles
as well as in the psychology and education literature especially about
blind children. It's been well-documented that lots of blind kids and
adults engage in behaviors that are "socially inappropriate" or
whatever  you want to call them. The common opinion among many of us
seems to be that if someone who's blind consistently does anything
that's weird, obnoxious, etc. it's because they "just don't know any
better" and they've been so sheltered that they honestly have no clue
that what they're doing would have any negative effects on them or on
anyone else. If only someone would sit them down and explain the truth
to them, they'd immediately wise up and start acting more appropriate,
or whatever the term may be.

OK, I may be exaggerating a little here, but I am quite convinced that
this "lack of knowledge" explanation is just the tip of the iceberg
and there's a lot more going on. I have this conviction because of
what I know about psychology and about human beings in general, and
also because of my personal experience.

	As I mentioned I have been blind all my life.  I will say I was
sheltered, but probably about as much as the average blind child-more
than some, less than others. I recall that when I was a kid I did some
things that almost everyone around me thought were socially
inappropriate. I won't go into a huge amount of detail but I would,
for instance, get really fixated on a certain topic of conversation
and want to talk about it to the exclusion of more popular topics. I
didn't reach out much to other kids or adults, I was often accused of
being bossy and argumentative, and I was frequently caught poking my
eyes. I have memories of being reprimanded for these activities as
early as kindergarten and as late as the sixth or seventh grade. And I
was definitely made aware repeatedly by multiple adults that what I
was doing was inappropriate, although to me at the time it seemed like
they were calling my behavior criminal. I know that "social skills"
made up the bulk of my IEP for most of those years. I was scolded and
punished for this wide array of bad deeds and occasionally rewarded
for "good" ones. And yet I kept doing the same  "bad" things anyway.
Why? I don't entirely know. Perhaps I knew they were "wrong" but I
didn't understand why; yet I still knew if I made those social
mistakes I would get in trouble and getting in trouble was definitely
painful. I think part of it is that I was really deeply confused about
what the adult world expected from me. I was repeatedly told that I
was socially deficient and it was somehow related to my blindness
because it was always on my IEP, but I didn't  know how I was supposed
to act, so I couldn't improve. I also think part of it had to do with
lack of motivation. I knew that adults didn't like it when I made
these social errors but most of them (fixating on my own interests and
being argumentative, for instance) came from me being self-centered,
so it really didn't matter to me that it was socially inappropriate. I
think I knew that I wasn't directly hurting anybody-I definitely
wanted to avoid doing that-and so I honestly didn't understand what
the big deal was. No, I never had the desire to wiggle my butt up
against someone, but honestly if I had a compelling enough reason to
do it, I probably would have kept it up despite admonitions.

	Around the end of middle school I noticed that I stopped getting
reprimanded for being socially deficient. And, what happened? Today I
still like to talk about things I find interesting, but that's almost
a survival skill for anyone in a Ph.D. program. I have definitely been
described by a few people as bossy and argumentative, and I know I'm
not always the most empathetic person. When I am very tired my hand
will occasionally wander into my eye. But, I've figured out how to get
along decently  with most people most of the time,  and when someone
else's needs supersede my own. I have a few good friends who've put up
with me for years and a boyfriend who's put up with me for a few
months. I don't poke my eyes when I am going out with him or giving a
speech. (If I ever do, you have the right to yell at me!) Heck, I even
managed to get elected president of this student organization. My
imperfections have  remained, but somehow I've figured out how to turn
them into assets rather than letting them get in my way. I've also
discovered, through life experience, what works and what doesn't work
in social interactions, and I've felt the rewards of good behavior.

	So why am I making this deep self-disclosure to all of you? I guess,
first of all, to make the point that we have all kinds in the NFB, in
NABS and among the leadership here. We all have flaws and we have all
had struggles of some kind in our lives. We shouldn't expect all blind
people or all NFB members to act exactly the same or to follow all the
so-called "rules" all the time. I think a lot of my issues had only a
little bit to do with blindness. Blindness might have made me care
less about whether or not my behavior was "appropriate", but I
probably would have been a pretty nerdy and opinionated child and
person had I been sighted. In our efforts to persuade other blind
folks to behave with social grace, I think we need to do more than
just tell them what they're doing isn't cool. First of all, we need to
stop making fun of and talking about them because that does nothing
but breed resentment and hostility. Second, I think we must role-model
good behavior-everything from good hygiene to being nice to each
other-as much as we can. Then, people we mentor (or will potentially
mentor later) will see what they can strive toward, not just what they
should strive away from. And finally, although I know we might not be
able to make this happen for our blind friends, I honestly think that
social norms and customs have to be personally meaningful and relevant
to people before they will consistently follow them. So Mr.
Butt-Wiggler probably won't stop until he decides he wants to to
impress a girl or to land a job. The tragedy is that once people
become adults, I think it's harder for them to get motivated to make
lasting change. But, it's certainly not impossible.

Arielle

-- 
Arielle Silverman
President, National Association of Blind Students
Phone:  602-502-2255
Email:
nabs.president at gmail.com
Website:
www.nabslink.org

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