[nabs-l] Social Stuff

Wed Sep 23 21:15:41 UTC 2009

thinking about it i dont poke at my eyes but i do frequently rub them and i 
keep them closed when i am really tired. Also i have found myself to 
accidently touch people in inappropriate places when they are being quiet 
and probably staring...i dont know if i am alone in that.

I had a similar situation about roomates. I had some of the most disgusting 
roomates when i lived on campus. Sink filled with nasty dishes all of the 
time, trashcan overflowing whether there was a bag in it or not, gum on the 
kitchen floors and since a couple were homosexual their friends would use 
permanent marker and draw inappropriate pictures on the door while writing 
inappropriate things as well.
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Jason Mandarino" <blind.subscriber at gmail.com>
To: "'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'" 
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:23 PM
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Social Stuff

>I really enjoyed Arielle's post, and I felt that it alluded or perhaps more
> so reminded me of a recent realization I had.
>
> I lost my sight in middle school, and since that point have encountered a
> large array of social questions and appropriate behavior from countless
> parents. My mother did not have to do much in regards to restricting
> inappropriate behavior, but recognized that some of the mannerisms that 
> come
> with blindness are not limited to those who have been blind their whole
> life. I was asked not to rock, poke my eyes, and several other things for
> the first few years, in which those tendencies seemed to not be an issue 
> any
> more.
>
> My point however is that I personally find myself chasing this visual
> perfection, and until recently I never stepped back to see how wrong it 
> is.
> I constantly find myself very embarrassed if I cook something wrong, spill 
> a
> glass of water, break a cheap whine glass, or something else that I
> contribute to being blind related. However, thanks to my girlfriend I find
> that I am also correcting her on various behaviors that I would not let
> myself do. A great example is when she is filling up the sink for dishes 
> she
> turn the water to full blast, and she is not paying attention that it is
> splashing. My room mate leaves crap everywhere, and is constantly loosing
> his stuff as he has no idea where he put it down. As well as a weird
> situation regarding a friend of mine who is an extremely sloppy eater and
> she is commenting on how impressed she is that I can eat the same meal and
> not have the same mess left over?
>
> Not that I am implying it is okay to be a mess, but I realize that my
> expectations on myself are not realistic, and it is okay to make mistakes.
>
>
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On 
> Behalf
> Of Arielle Silverman
> Sent: Wednesday, September 23, 2009 12:04 AM
> To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> Subject: [nabs-l] Social Stuff
>
> Hi all,
>
> As both a psychology student and someone interested in blindness
> issues I think this is a very interesting and important topic.
> Regarding the first issue, that of learning facial expressions, I
> don't know much of the literature beyond what's already been stated. I
> do think it's true that automatic things like smiling and frowning
> shouldn't be affected by blindness, while more controlled expressions
> of feelings would be. I will admit that as someone who has been
> functionally totally blind since birth I get a little depressed when I
> read about all the theories of development that emphasize visual
> activities like mimicking other people's movements, etc. But, I'm also
> optimistic because I know there are plenty of totally blind people out
> there who developed without major issues or problems. People and
> especially babies are amazingly resilient.
>
> Regarding the issue of social skills and awkwardness I have a lot
> more to say. This issue inevitably comes up often among NFB circles
> as well as in the psychology and education literature especially about
> blind children. It's been well-documented that lots of blind kids and
> adults engage in behaviors that are "socially inappropriate" or
> whatever  you want to call them. The common opinion among many of us
> seems to be that if someone who's blind consistently does anything
> that's weird, obnoxious, etc. it's because they "just don't know any
> better" and they've been so sheltered that they honestly have no clue
> that what they're doing would have any negative effects on them or on
> anyone else. If only someone would sit them down and explain the truth
> to them, they'd immediately wise up and start acting more appropriate,
> or whatever the term may be.
>
> OK, I may be exaggerating a little here, but I am quite convinced that
> this "lack of knowledge" explanation is just the tip of the iceberg
> and there's a lot more going on. I have this conviction because of
> what I know about psychology and about human beings in general, and
> also because of my personal experience.
>
> As I mentioned I have been blind all my life.  I will say I was
> sheltered, but probably about as much as the average blind child-more
> than some, less than others. I recall that when I was a kid I did some
> things that almost everyone around me thought were socially
> inappropriate. I won't go into a huge amount of detail but I would,
> for instance, get really fixated on a certain topic of conversation
> and want to talk about it to the exclusion of more popular topics. I
> didn't reach out much to other kids or adults, I was often accused of
> being bossy and argumentative, and I was frequently caught poking my
> eyes. I have memories of being reprimanded for these activities as
> early as kindergarten and as late as the sixth or seventh grade. And I
> was definitely made aware repeatedly by multiple adults that what I
> was doing was inappropriate, although to me at the time it seemed like
> they were calling my behavior criminal. I know that "social skills"
> made up the bulk of my IEP for most of those years. I was scolded and
> punished for this wide array of bad deeds and occasionally rewarded
> for "good" ones. And yet I kept doing the same  "bad" things anyway.
> Why? I don't entirely know. Perhaps I knew they were "wrong" but I
> didn't understand why; yet I still knew if I made those social
> mistakes I would get in trouble and getting in trouble was definitely
> painful. I think part of it is that I was really deeply confused about
> what the adult world expected from me. I was repeatedly told that I
> was socially deficient and it was somehow related to my blindness
> because it was always on my IEP, but I didn't  know how I was supposed
> to act, so I couldn't improve. I also think part of it had to do with
> lack of motivation. I knew that adults didn't like it when I made
> these social errors but most of them (fixating on my own interests and
> being argumentative, for instance) came from me being self-centered,
> so it really didn't matter to me that it was socially inappropriate. I
> think I knew that I wasn't directly hurting anybody-I definitely
> wanted to avoid doing that-and so I honestly didn't understand what
> the big deal was. No, I never had the desire to wiggle my butt up
> against someone, but honestly if I had a compelling enough reason to
> do it, I probably would have kept it up despite admonitions.
>
> Around the end of middle school I noticed that I stopped getting
> reprimanded for being socially deficient. And, what happened? Today I
> still like to talk about things I find interesting, but that's almost
> a survival skill for anyone in a Ph.D. program. I have definitely been
> described by a few people as bossy and argumentative, and I know I'm
> not always the most empathetic person. When I am very tired my hand
> will occasionally wander into my eye. But, I've figured out how to get
> along decently  with most people most of the time,  and when someone
> else's needs supersede my own. I have a few good friends who've put up
> with me for years and a boyfriend who's put up with me for a few
> months. I don't poke my eyes when I am going out with him or giving a
> speech. (If I ever do, you have the right to yell at me!) Heck, I even
> managed to get elected president of this student organization. My
> imperfections have  remained, but somehow I've figured out how to turn
> them into assets rather than letting them get in my way. I've also
> discovered, through life experience, what works and what doesn't work
> in social interactions, and I've felt the rewards of good behavior.
>
> So why am I making this deep self-disclosure to all of you? I guess,
> first of all, to make the point that we have all kinds in the NFB, in
> NABS and among the leadership here. We all have flaws and we have all
> had struggles of some kind in our lives. We shouldn't expect all blind
> people or all NFB members to act exactly the same or to follow all the
> so-called "rules" all the time. I think a lot of my issues had only a
> little bit to do with blindness. Blindness might have made me care
> less about whether or not my behavior was "appropriate", but I
> probably would have been a pretty nerdy and opinionated child and
> person had I been sighted. In our efforts to persuade other blind
> folks to behave with social grace, I think we need to do more than
> just tell them what they're doing isn't cool. First of all, we need to
> stop making fun of and talking about them because that does nothing
> but breed resentment and hostility. Second, I think we must role-model
> good behavior-everything from good hygiene to being nice to each
> other-as much as we can. Then, people we mentor (or will potentially
> mentor later) will see what they can strive toward, not just what they
> should strive away from. And finally, although I know we might not be
> able to make this happen for our blind friends, I honestly think that
> social norms and customs have to be personally meaningful and relevant
> to people before they will consistently follow them. So Mr.
> Butt-Wiggler probably won't stop until he decides he wants to to
> impress a girl or to land a job. The tragedy is that once people
> become adults, I think it's harder for them to get motivated to make
> lasting change. But, it's certainly not impossible.
>
> Arielle
>
>
> -- 
> Arielle Silverman
> President, National Association of Blind Students
> Phone:  602-502-2255
> Email:
> nabs.president at gmail.com
> Website:
> www.nabslink.org
>
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