[nabs-l] The Blind Bubble

Thu Feb 10 15:16:29 UTC 2011

On the subject of relationships. I was once married to a sighted man, who
wanted me to see. Yes it was great having a person who could drive me, who
could read things, and so on. But he did not understand my blindness, nor
even cared to. He did not want a blind wife. And in the long run my
blindness was used against me when it came to my children. Now with that
said, I am married to a blind person. Yes transportation is a bit more
challenging, yes reading things is challenging, but certainly those things
are not doable in some way. My husband now does not want to fix me; he is
okay with my blindness just as much as I am. And we get a kick out of making
jokes about funny things in our life when it comes to not seeing. My husband
was also previously married to a sighted person. So in that sense, we
understand the struggles that go along with being married to a sighted
person. Neither of us married each other because we were in the NFB, or
because he was blind, or because I knew he would understand me better. We
married because we fell in good old fashion love. Yes we met at the 2009
Youth Slam. And certainly I am not suggesting that people attend Youth Slam
to meet there future spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends. The seriousness of
it, when I attended Youth Slam, I was so done with men. But there he was.
Yes looking at how as a blind person, how he dealt with things, how
independent he was, yes those were all factors, as if he did not deal with
his blindness well. I would have never chosen to move the relationship
forward. We did not marry because we thought society would think it was
cute, or that it is expected of us. And I like to think that God had
something to do with it, but that is my personal opinion. 

But no one should marry another blind person just on the bases of
understanding, or that you're in the same ORG, or your both guide dog users,
or because society thinks it is expected of blind people to marry blind
people. No one should marry a sighted person, just because of the
transportation thing, or the fact that reading things is easier. You should
marry and be happy with someone who makes you happy, who will treat you
well, who loves you for you, and who does not want to change you. 

So both my husband and I, just happen to be blind, so what! So what blind
people marry sighted people. My point, not so eloquently stated, marry,
date, girlfriend or boyfriend someone for them, not for what they have or do
not have, but who they are. 

Marsha 

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Joe Orozco
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:37 AM
To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
Subject: [nabs-l] The Blind Bubble

Hello,

Over the past few days I've noticed various statements of how blind people
want to ensure they are not forced to mingle with or wind up married to
other blind people.  What each person does or prefers is of course up to the
individual, but I'd like to caution us against projecting some of the very
same stereotypes we have been fighting for years amongst ourselves.

In the case of training programs, I think it is only logical for people to
get to know their fellow students.  This does not mean people should be tied
at the hip after hours, but I would think part of the experience is to take
what you have learned during class hours and use it out there, where it
really counts.  Part of my confidence in different areas is owed to a
heavy-handed mother and great teachers, but more of it came from observing
other blind people at conventions and legislative seminars.  Something as
simple as observing a blind person get up from a table at a food court and
head off for a refill on their drink was pretty inspirational for me in high
school and played a key role in my personal development later in college.
Class will only teach you so much, and the friendships you are likely to
develop during this phase in your life have a pretty good chance of
following you for the long-term.

Now, if you come across someone who only wants to talk about JAWS or Apple
or the never-ending debate of NFB versus ACB, you may have a point about
running the other way.  Or, you could think of it as a teaching opportunity.
Training should not just be about what you can take away, but also, what you
can give back.  You just might be the person who can help out this sheltered
individual.

The point about relationships is trickier to make in a diplomatic fashion.
At the risk of offending people, I think the fear of dating and/or marrying
another blind person is at least partially owed to that person's own
insecurities.  I believe their views might shift after they themselves feel
more confident about themselves.  I don't want to say that things are easy
when both partners are blind.  I don't want to belittle the conveniences
from such things like the sighted person being able to drive their blind
spouse, but I also do not want us to create artificial barriers for
ourselves, because the presence or absence of blindness is not what's going
to make a relationship work.

All of this having been said, there are aspects of the blindness bubble that
do trouble me.  This is only a theory, and I welcome education if my views
are sorely mistaken.

I think it is very easy for advocates and teachers to become complacent with
their landscape to the point that their views become a bit limited.  Working
in the field of blindness is a tiring exercise, and when this is all you do,
I believe there is the potential to create a false sense of confidence.  I'm
not going to make a clear point without concrete examples, and again, at the
unfortunate risk of offending still more people, I think in some ways it is
almost counterproductive to work at NFB training centers and even our
National Center in Baltimore.  The reason for this is that even though the
students and skill sets change, the method does not.  You become an expert
at what you do and expect your students or your membership to just learn it,
use it, and succeed at it.  For instance, it is easy for a training center
instructor to expect a student to become confident in the hypothetical span
of nine months, and during those nine months the student may very well
become confident in that learning environment.  But, the learning
environment will be significantly different when the person returns to the
real world where there are no other blind people or instructors to keep the
momentum going.  Also, it is easy to impress upon an affiliate or chapter to
just get out there and recruit more members and cultivate more partnerships,
but neither of these things are straightforward, even among sighted
organizations.  This is why in my company I over emphasize the need to work
collaboratively with people and organizations in the community to create an
all-inclusive environment.

I am not suggesting that the blindness field is wasted.  I am also not
suggesting that people who work in the blindness field are selling
themselves short.  On the contrary, I respect their courage to fight what to
me seems an overwhelming battle.  It is imperative that we attract great
professionals to help create a good foundation, but the longer you work at
something, the higher your expectations become.  Sometimes, I think there is
an unintentional risk of these expectations being so high that it just turns
people off, because these high standards are good within the blindness field
but are a little less sturdy in the context of the general public.  Just as
professors sometimes take sabbaticals, I hope there are opportunities for
blind professionals to get out there for a little while and refresh their
understanding of the environment in which their charges are living.

Anyway, I hope this made sense and that it is not taken in a negative tone.
As long as we're talking about training philosophies, I hope that we can
examine the responsibilities of the student as much as the professionals.

Best,

Joe

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing

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