[nabs-l] The Blind Bubble

[Beth]

I am dating my bf because he's sweet, not because he's blind.  
HE's from Africa though, and sometimes it frustrates me what 
African people think of blind people.  African blind men marry 
sighted women to take care of them.  My bf could've married a 
Somali college student, but I feel that would've been wrong.  
That was a trial by fire, and we're still together.  Someday, we 
will probably marry, but not because of blindness, but becausee 
he's sweet and I'm weet and we're in what Marsha stated as "good 
old-fashioned love."
Beth

 ----- Original Message -----
From: "Marsha Drenth" <marsha.drenth at gmail.com
To: <jsorozco at gmail.com>,"'National Association of Blind Students 
mailing list'" <nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Thu, 10 Feb 2011 10:16:29 -0500
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] The Blind Bubble

On the subject of relationships. I was once married to a sighted 
man, who
wanted me to see. Yes it was great having a person who could 
drive me, who
could read things, and so on. But he did not understand my 
blindness, nor
even cared to. He did not want a blind wife. And in the long run 
my
blindness was used against me when it came to my children. Now 
with that
said, I am married to a blind person. Yes transportation is a bit 
more
challenging, yes reading things is challenging, but certainly 
those things
are not doable in some way. My husband now does not want to fix 
me; he is
okay with my blindness just as much as I am. And we get a kick 
out of making
jokes about funny things in our life when it comes to not seeing. 
My husband
was also previously married to a sighted person. So in that 
sense, we
understand the struggles that go along with being married to a 
sighted
person. Neither of us married each other because we were in the 
NFB, or
because he was blind, or because I knew he would understand me 
better. We
married because we fell in good old fashion love. Yes we met at 
the 2009
Youth Slam. And certainly I am not suggesting that people attend 
Youth Slam
to meet there future spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends. The 
seriousness of
it, when I attended Youth Slam, I was so done with men. But there 
he was.
Yes looking at how as a blind person, how he dealt with things, 
how
independent he was, yes those were all factors, as if he did not 
deal with
his blindness well. I would have never chosen to move the 
relationship
forward. We did not marry because we thought society would think 
it was
cute, or that it is expected of us. And I like to think that God 
had
something to do with it, but that is my personal opinion.

But no one should marry another blind person just on the bases of
understanding, or that you're in the same ORG, or your both guide 
dog users,
or because society thinks it is expected of blind people to marry 
blind
people. No one should marry a sighted person, just because of the
transportation thing, or the fact that reading things is easier. 
You should
marry and be happy with someone who makes you happy, who will 
treat you
well, who loves you for you, and who does not want to change you.

So both my husband and I, just happen to be blind, so what! So 
what blind
people marry sighted people. My point, not so eloquently stated, 
marry,
date, girlfriend or boyfriend someone for them, not for what they 
have or do
not have, but who they are.

Marsha




-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org 
[mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Joe Orozco
Sent: Thursday, February 10, 2011 9:37 AM
To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
Subject: [nabs-l] The Blind Bubble

Hello,

Over the past few days I've noticed various statements of how 
blind people
want to ensure they are not forced to mingle with or wind up 
married to
other blind people.  What each person does or prefers is of 
course up to the
individual, but I'd like to caution us against projecting some of 
the very
same stereotypes we have been fighting for years amongst 
ourselves.

In the case of training programs, I think it is only logical for 
people to
get to know their fellow students.  This does not mean people 
should be tied
at the hip after hours, but I would think part of the experience 
is to take
what you have learned during class hours and use it out there, 
where it
really counts.  Part of my confidence in different areas is owed 
to a
heavy-handed mother and great teachers, but more of it came from 
observing
other blind people at conventions and legislative seminars.  
Something as
simple as observing a blind person get up from a table at a food 
court and
head off for a refill on their drink was pretty inspirational for 
me in high
school and played a key role in my personal development later in 
college.
Class will only teach you so much, and the friendships you are 
likely to
develop during this phase in your life have a pretty good chance 
of
following you for the long-term.

Now, if you come across someone who only wants to talk about JAWS 
or Apple
or the never-ending debate of NFB versus ACB, you may have a 
point about
running the other way.  Or, you could think of it as a teaching 
opportunity.
Training should not just be about what you can take away, but 
also, what you
can give back.  You just might be the person who can help out 
this sheltered
individual.

The point about relationships is trickier to make in a diplomatic 
fashion.
At the risk of offending people, I think the fear of dating 
and/or marrying
another blind person is at least partially owed to that person's 
own
insecurities.  I believe their views might shift after they 
themselves feel
more confident about themselves.  I don't want to say that things 
are easy
when both partners are blind.  I don't want to belittle the 
conveniences
from such things like the sighted person being able to drive 
their blind
spouse, but I also do not want us to create artificial barriers 
for
ourselves, because the presence or absence of blindness is not 
what's going
to make a relationship work.

All of this having been said, there are aspects of the blindness 
bubble that
do trouble me.  This is only a theory, and I welcome education if 
my views
are sorely mistaken.

I think it is very easy for advocates and teachers to become 
complacent with
their landscape to the point that their views become a bit 
limited.  Working
in the field of blindness is a tiring exercise, and when this is 
all you do,
I believe there is the potential to create a false sense of 
confidence.  I'm
not going to make a clear point without concrete examples, and 
again, at the
unfortunate risk of offending still more people, I think in some 
ways it is
almost counterproductive to work at NFB training centers and even 
our
National Center in Baltimore.  The reason for this is that even 
though the
students and skill sets change, the method does not.  You become 
an expert
at what you do and expect your students or your membership to 
just learn it,
use it, and succeed at it.  For instance, it is easy for a 
training center
instructor to expect a student to become confident in the 
hypothetical span
of nine months, and during those nine months the student may very 
well
become confident in that learning environment.  But, the learning
environment will be significantly different when the person 
returns to the
real world where there are no other blind people or instructors 
to keep the
momentum going.  Also, it is easy to impress upon an affiliate or 
chapter to
just get out there and recruit more members and cultivate more 
partnerships,
but neither of these things are straightforward, even among 
sighted
organizations.  This is why in my company I over emphasize the 
need to work
collaboratively with people and organizations in the community to 
create an
all-inclusive environment.

I am not suggesting that the blindness field is wasted.  I am 
also not
suggesting that people who work in the blindness field are 
selling
themselves short.  On the contrary, I respect their courage to 
fight what to
me seems an overwhelming battle.  It is imperative that we 
attract great
professionals to help create a good foundation, but the longer 
you work at
something, the higher your expectations become.  Sometimes, I 
think there is
an unintentional risk of these expectations being so high that it 
just turns
people off, because these high standards are good within the 
blindness field
but are a little less sturdy in the context of the general 
public.  Just as
professors sometimes take sabbaticals, I hope there are 
opportunities for
blind professionals to get out there for a little while and 
refresh their
understanding of the environment in which their charges are 
living.

Anyway, I hope this made sense and that it is not taken in a 
negative tone.
As long as we're talking about training philosophies, I hope that 
we can
examine the responsibilities of the student as much as the 
professionals.

Best,

Joe

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their 
sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam 
Ewing


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