[nabs-l] Making friends, socializing with sighted friends

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Social settings can be tricky for anyone especially in our teens and
early twenties.  I agree that we can not assume why people choose to
include, or exclude, us from any social gathering.  Yes, many of us have
encountered situations where our blindness was an obstacle for people,
but until you know for sure why a person does not invite you to
something, you can not automatically assume what the reasoning is.

Having said that, many, many people believe they can not relate to a
blind person.  When I lost my vision at 22, some of my friends suddenly
did not know how to act around me even though I was still the same
person.  It is an unfortunate thing that society has built perceptions
of what it is like to be blind.  Once they realized, though, that I
still shared common interest and was the same Bridgit, just without
vision, most of them accepted this and our friendship continued along.

We can not develop crusty exteriors that defy anyone to disregard us for
being blind.  We, if we want a social life, must learn to be warm and
inviting and include people into our universe too.  This does not mean
people will still not pass you by, or exclude you, but it is a step.
And if you are alone, many will probably assume you want to be alone--
it is not a social slight, they just assume, as you are assuming, that
you would rather be alone.  If people would just stop assuming in life,
think of how much we could accomplish?  LOL

It is perfectly acceptable to approach a group and say, "Hey, mind if I
join you?"  I call it plutonic dating-- it can be nerve-racking, and you
will experience some rejection, but if you don't put yourself out there,
you will never be aware of the possibilities-- you will not encounter
people who may turn into life-long friendships.

Blind or sighted, it is human nature to crave companionship, but to also
be nervous in social settings.  While you sit there wondering why no one
is asking you to join their group, many may be wondering similar things
about you.  We can not always distinguish everything as blind and
sighted.  The scales do not always tip this way.  And we just need to
relax and learn to include ourselves in something if we are interested.

I recently met a person my age on campus, and we hit it off.  We may
plans to double date with our husbands, but when she told her husband,
his response was, "Okay, but what will we do?  I mean, they won't want
to go to a movie or something, will they?"  I found this more funny than
anything, but it is a valid question for someone who has never
encountered a blind person.  His qualms were laid to rest, and we have
just become Bridgit and Ross (the hubby) not the "blind couple."

You just have to put yourself out there.  Be genuine and forthright in
your encounters, and if people don't include you, then move onto the
next situation.  Trust me, this is not specific to blind people, and
when blindness plays a role, alay worries and change perceptions.  The
truth is, most people have no clue about blindness, and what seems
obvious to us, is not clear to others.  Until people learn otherwise,
why would they think differently?

And to the independence factor, of course we should be the best,
profficient, capable people we can be, but every situation in life does
not have to be a lesson in independence for society.  Be yourself, and
do what is natural for you.  If you go to the bar alone, then go alone,
and when acquaintances approach you, be warm and ask to join their
group.

In crowded situations, I may take hold of a friends arm just so we don't
lose one another, and in some crowded situations, people do not pay
attention to me, which leads to sighted people tripping over my cane
even when I hold it closer to my body-- the pencil grip, as I call it--
(so much for sight being better *smile*) so I may have a friend with
sight help me watch out for people not fully aware of their
surroundings.  It is good to learn how to navigate on your own because
not every situation is prime for sighted assistance, for example, going
to the bathroom, or if you have to meet up with people.

In all things, you learn what works, and you help initiate sighted
friends into your world.  Sometimes we have to guide the sighted people
in our lives-- this is okay.

My main advice is to be yourself and learn to be extraverted.  Not
saying you have to be the life of the party, but initiate conversations
on your own, and there is nothing wrong in asking if you can join
another group of people.  Again, this is not unique to blind people.

And don't assume every social interaction gone wrong is because you are
blind.  True, it probably does play a role, but until people know you,
the truth is, they don't have much telling them otherwise.  Many of us
know the frustration of people not "getting it," but this is just how it
is.  We know being blind does not create a vast casm between us and the
sighted world, but unfortunately, sighted people do not always
understand this.  We can't say piss off to everyone because of this--
generally they will just think everything they do about blindness plus
now they will think blind people are cranky or cold.  LOL

Trust me-- blind, sighted, young, old, socializing is what it is.  You
either learn to seek out and cultivate relationships, or you sit at the
bar alone.  If you don't make blindness an issue, you will learn that
many-- not everyone-- but many will learn to not make it an issue
either.  That confidence factor plays a huge role here.  *smile*

Bridgit