[nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People

[Kirt Manwaring]

Kerry,
  Don't be so quick to assume everyone will find reasons to turn you
away.  I know it's hard (from experience), but sometimes simply asking
if you can join people goes a long way.  And...if they say no, what
have you lost?  I think it's better to try and get rejected, for
whatever reason (which might not even have anything to do with you),
than to not try at all.
  And another thing.  (I've got me a Sunday school lesson to get ready
so I'm gonna make this short)  But if someone's going the same place
you are, and if they live close, I don't think it's a burden at all to
ask for rides.  Heck, lots of the people I know at college don't have
cars, so they're kind of stuck in the same situation where they have
to ask for a ride/take a bus/whatever.  So asking for a ride isn't
weird at all...at least to me.  And, if you feel bad or guilty about
it, offer to buy them a drink at the bar or something, or pay for some
of the gas, or whatever.
  And don't ever forget that you're not alone.  Lots of us have gone
through or are still going through the same kind of thing.  But I'd
say try and hang out with the people who come say hi.  The worst that
could happen is they say no, which isn't really your fault at all.
And even that's probably better than your situation now because at
least you made the effort.  Good luck, and be safe.
  Best,
Kirt

On 3/27/11, Kerri Kosten <kerrik2006 at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi:
>
> Wow, thanks for all the responses!
>
> Let me clarify a couple of things.
>
> First, I would much much much rather go to the bar or out with a
> friend, or a group. However, since I don't really have that many
> friends my ownly choice is to either go alone or not go at all. I do
> not go alone just to seem independent...
>
> I've struggled to make friends my entire life. The reason I use my
> cane as much as I can, and always get my own transportation is because
> I think one of the reasons in the past I have had so much trouble
> making friends is that I burdened the people who did want to become
> friends with me by constantly expecting them to give me rides. By
> being as independent as I can, I am trying to show the sighted people
> around me that I am capable and that I do not expect of them any more
> then another sighted friend would. I do not want to burden them at all
> and the only way I know to do that until I can make some friends is to
> show that I am as independent as possible.
>
> I do like the idea of inviting the people to do something on my terms
> instead of expecting them to invite me to join their group. That is a
> good idea...I will have to try that.
>
> Also, the people who come up to me and say hi are not just random
> strangers but people I know in one way or another. They come up t me
> every time they are in the bar so this happens all the time...this
> coming up and saying hi and then leaving.
>
> If I think about this from their perspective, I guess they are coming
> with a group of friends and they want to say a quick hi, and get back
> to their friends...which I completely understand. But, if that's the
> case than what do I do?
>
> I am sure if I actually came out and asked one of them when they came
> up to me, they would have a reason for not inviting me. I'm sure all
> of this is unintentional on their part...but I don't want to offend
> anyone by saying something like  "Hey, you come up to me and say hi
> all the time but never invite me into your group. Why is this? What is
> the reason?" That seems a bit rude...
>
> I may try inviting myself one day into a group. It's very interesting
> because some people strongly say no, that it is not polite to invite
> yourself into a group. HOwever, others say that I need to get myself
> out there and that I should invite myself into the group and not feel
> bad about doing so.
>
> Interesting. I will have to try inviting myself and see what happens.
>
> Also, I do sit at the bar.
>
> Thanks for the responses!
>
> Kerri
>
> On 3/27/11, autTeal Bloodwortho <tealbloodworth at gmail.com> wrote:
>> very well put Kurt. I did not respond simply because I don't necessarily
>> think of myself as un-sighted? By us being judgmental towards those who
>> are
>> sighted, I think we create our own false impression that they judge us the
>> same. Most people that I have socialized through college and going to bars
>> I
>> have found curiousity rather than hatfullness or sympathy. I think you
>> should just be yourself and not be so pessimestic. More than likely Kurt
>> was
>> right in saying that these acquantences came with friends and I would be
>> more offended by someone telling me that that person walked by trying to
>> hide or something to avoid me. Yes we are all guilty of saying a quick Hi
>> and Goodbye. I am a totally blind 21 year old 2nd semester junior at a
>> private catholic 4 year university and each day that I go to the bar
>> (ironically named the blind parrot), always sighted guide, I do not feel
>> like I am treated any differently.
>>
>> Kerri I am a believer that life is what you make it. You have to get
>> yourself out their and let these people know that you would be interested
>> in
>> hanging out, Shoot, maybe they can come hang out with you some time too.
>> It's sad to say but the general public can be alittle closed minded to
>> what
>> you can or cannot do. One more thing...I am with Kurt on the taxi deal.
>> Where I live, we do not have public buses, taxi cabs or really another
>> type
>> of public transportation except for a government funded organizationnamed
>> GRITS. unless you have medicade and are going to the doctor it's $1.95 a
>> mile which is quite a bit for the area. Therefore, I do bum alot of rides
>> but I've found that by going with friends I am never alone in a public
>> place
>> having to face the embarrassment that you are experiencing.
>>
>> I wish you luck and hope I help you to love life.just enjoy this timewhile
>> you can
>>
>>        -Teal
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Kirt Manwaring" <kirt.crazydude at gmail.com>
>> To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
>> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2011 11:19 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People
>>
>>
>>> Kerry and Serina,
>>>  I wasn't saying just ask random people if you could join their
>>> group.  And, yeah, it's not easy.  But the impression I got (and
>>> Kerry, maybe I'm totally off here and if I am I'm sorry) was that
>>> these were people you already knew.  Not just random people saying hi.
>>>  And, honestly, having been there and knowing I'll be there again, I
>>> totally disagree wholeheartedly about the sighted people who leave us
>>> alone being immature or stupid.  I'm sure we've all done the same to
>>> someone before, maybe not even realizing or understanding what we're
>>> doing.  I think it's not healthy to judge or condemn people for
>>> rejecting us, because I think most of us, including me, turn around
>>> and do the same thing to people we think are different or who we don't
>>> know how to handle.  I think I've come to realize that, more often
>>> than not, people will leave me alone when I go places by myself.  I've
>>> ran in to a few exceptions, like school dances or huge parties where
>>> everyone kinda just mixed and mingled anyway, but mostly I think that
>>> rule holds true.  I think a lot of times people go to bars or
>>> restaurants or the like with their groups of friends, so that makes it
>>> trickier to socialize when you go alone.  That's not to say it can't
>>> be done, it's just more complicated.
>>>  And another thing that might be worth thinking about.  Just because
>>> someone says hi, talks for a second, then leaves doesn't mean your
>>> blindness makes them leave.  Maybe they have friends sitting at a
>>> table already.  Maybe the person's on a schedule and really can't talk
>>> because they're going to go meet friends somewhere else.  Maybe
>>> they're alone, like you, but too afraid to ask if they can join
>>> you...maybe there's a lot of other things you don't know about that
>>> make someone leave after coming by to say hi.  I'm not saying them
>>> being unsure how to handle your blindness isn't a factor, it's
>>> probably a big one.  But I think you do yourself a huge injustice if
>>> you think the only reason people leave after short conversation is
>>> your blindness.  Heck, if that were true, I'd say you'd have a lot
>>> more people straight up ignoring you instead of at least making a
>>> small effort.  There could be lots of other factors involved,
>>> especially if whoever came to say hi was at the bar with a group of
>>> friends and felt obligated to get back.  That's why I say it's easier
>>> to go to places like restaurants with someone.
>>>  But mostly don't get discouraged.  I think most of us have been
>>> there...heck, I'd say probably most people, blind or sighted, have
>>> been there.  I know I have and it's not easy.  But, like anything else
>>> in life, it's very doable.
>>>  HOpe that helps,
>>> Kirt
>>>
>>> On 3/26/11, Serena Cucco <serenacucco at verizon.net> wrote:
>>>> It's true that sighted people might think you want to be alone cuz
>>>> you're
>>>> sitting alone, but I frankly think they're stupid!  You're probably
>>>> sitting
>>>> alone cuz you came to the bar or lunch/dinner table alone, but that's
>>>> cuz
>>>> you weren't with anyone, not cuz you wanted to be alone.  It isn't so
>>>> simple
>>>> to find a group of people to sit with, especially if you're not very
>>>> familiar with the bar or dining hall.  When I was in college, there were
>>>> many times I came to the dining hall alone and people sat with me or
>>>> didn't,
>>>> depending on who was around.  My sighted friend Anthony often came alone
>>>> and
>>>> often came with his girlfriend ... I'm sure people sometimes sat with
>>>> him,
>>>> but I'm sure he sometimes ended up eating alone.  If you come alone, I
>>>> think
>>>> it's better to not ask random people to join their group just to make
>>>> people
>>>> know you're not antisocial.  It's better to simply sit alone and hope
>>>> people
>>>> realize you don't want to be alone.  It's the age.  Young adults are
>>>> simply
>>>> that ... young and often immature.  Sorry, but I think many people,
>>>> sighted
>>>> or blind, are just plain dumb!
>>>>
>>>> Also, I think the socializing issue is separate from learning
>>>> independence
>>>> skills, except that Kerrie mentioned not using sighted guide or asking
>>>> people for rides to show she's not burdening her acquaintances.  I don't
>>>> think she's purposely going places alone simply to be independent.
>>>> Kerrie,
>>>> please correct me if I'm wrong.
>>>>
>>>> Serena
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> -----Original Message-----
>>>> From: nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
>>>> Behalf
>>>> Of Brianna Scerenscko
>>>> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2011 7:31 PM
>>>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
>>>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People
>>>>
>>>> I agree with the statement that at first a sighted person may not know
>>>> how to handle being with a blind person and or they may think you want
>>>> to be alone because you were sitting alone. I've met some pretty great
>>>> people who are now friends of mine that I met by them helping me or
>>>> giving me sighted guide in a crowded and unfamiliar area. Although
>>>> independents is important, it's okay to ask for rides or help if you
>>>> feel you need it.
>>>> Good Luck
>>>> Brianna
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> On 3/26/11, Hope Paulos <hope.paulos at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>> Hi Kerri. I don't know if I'd ask them if you could  join  their group.
>>>> They
>>>>> might just do it out of politeness and feel obligated to let you join.
>>>>> You
>>>>> said your family  runs  a bar. Why not, instead of sitting at a table
>>>> alone,
>>>>> go to the bar where there are a lot more people sitting closer
>>>>> together?
>>>>> Unfortunately, that's all I can suggest. I'm sorry.
>>>>> Hope and guide dog, Beignet
>>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>>> From: "Brianna Scerenscko" <bfs1206 at gmail.com>
>>>>> To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
>>>>> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
>>>>> Sent: Saturday, March 26, 2011 6:37 PM
>>>>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>I don't mean to sound consided or anything. :)
>>>>>>
>>>>>> On 3/26/11, Brianna Scerenscko <bfs1206 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>>> I have been in that same situation both at school and in other social
>>>>>>> gathering places. I'm not sure how to handle it; whenever it happens
>>>>>>> to me, I usually feel bad for a few seconds, and then think "oh well,
>>>>>>> their loss". LOL I honestly think my parents feel worse about it than
>>>>>>> I do.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> On 3/26/11, Joshua Lester <jlester8462 at students.pccua.edu> wrote:
>>>>>>>> Kerri, I don't know what to do in your situation. I have some of the
>>>>>>>> same problems at my community college. I'll say hi to somebody, but
>>>>>>>> they won't respond. I do have a question, though. I know it's off
>>>>>>>> topic, but how do you access Facebook? Every time I try to create a
>>>>>>>> page, the computer shuts down. Please help me offline.
>>>>>>>> Thanks, Joshua
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> On 3/26/11, Kerri Kosten <kerrik2006 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>>>>> Hi All!
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> I thought I'd bring this topic up because I'm interested in hearing
>>>>>>>>> opinions and a lot of people have commented when I mentioned this
>>>>>>>>> on
>>>>>>>>> Facebook.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> As I've posted here before, my father owned a popular
>>>>>>>>> bar/restaurant
>>>>>>>>> that I like to go to on the weekends.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> I am noticing that quite often people will come up to where I am
>>>>>>>>> sitting, say hi, have a quick conversation with me, and than say
>>>>>>>>> "Well, I'm going to go join my other friends. Nice seeing you," or
>>>>>>>>> something like that.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> I have tried to not let it bother me, just ignore it, cheerfully
>>>>>>>>> say
>>>>>>>>> goodbye and go on but it's starting to really bother me. Last night
>>>>>>>>> I
>>>>>>>>> saw two girls that live in the same apartment complex as I do, and
>>>>>>>>> one
>>>>>>>>> of them works at the radio station with me.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> I use my cane all the time when I'm in Crockett's, to get
>>>>>>>>> everywhere.
>>>>>>>>> I never ask to take someone's arm, and even when I go outside to
>>>>>>>>> catch
>>>>>>>>> my cab to get home I go out by myself. I never ask people for
>>>>>>>>> rides,
>>>>>>>>> always paying for cabs to and from to independently get there and
>>>>>>>>> back. I always wear glasses to make my eyes look less funky (one is
>>>>>>>>> a
>>>>>>>>> lot tinier than the other), I always make sure my hair is brushed
>>>>>>>>> back, and it is always clean. I usually wear jeans but last night I
>>>>>>>>> was wearing a pair of corduroy pants and a nice shirt with a
>>>>>>>>> sweater
>>>>>>>>> vest over it that I know looks nice because it was the outfit I
>>>>>>>>> wore
>>>>>>>>> for Christmas. I usually do not wear makeup but put lipstick on
>>>>>>>>> last
>>>>>>>>> night.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> I discussed this situation earlier with a good friend who is also
>>>>>>>>> totally blind and she said people do the same sort of thing to her
>>>>>>>>> in
>>>>>>>>> the dining hall at the college she attends.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> Do many of you get similar treatment by sighted people?
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> In your opinion, what is the best way to react/handle it? Is it
>>>>>>>>> rude
>>>>>>>>> to ask the person if you can join their group or should you always
>>>>>>>>> wait until you are invited?
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> How do you deal with this and not let it affect/bother you or put
>>>>>>>>> you
>>>>>>>>> in a negative mood/frame of mind?
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> The hardest thing for me is when people come up and talk to me and
>>>>>>>>> then they don't invite me to join in and I am left sitting alone it
>>>>>>>>> really upsets me and makes me think negatively. I was told that at
>>>>>>>>> least people do come up and talk to me;they could just walk past
>>>>>>>>> and
>>>>>>>>> not say a word. Sometimes though, in a way I think that would make
>>>>>>>>> things easier because then I would have never known they were there
>>>>>>>>> in
>>>>>>>>> the first place. I was also told to just cheerfully go on as if
>>>>>>>>> nothing happened and try to not let it bother me, and to think of
>>>>>>>>> myself as number one.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> Just something I thought I'd bring up for discussion. I understand
>>>>>>>>> all
>>>>>>>>> anyone can give is their opinion.
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> Kerri
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>>>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info
>>>>>>>>> for
>>>>>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>>>>>
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/jlester8462%40studen
>>>> ts.pccua.edu
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info
>>>>>>>> for
>>>>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>>>>
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/bfs1206%40gmail.com
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> --
>>>>>>> Brianna Scerenscko
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> --
>>>>>> Brianna Scerenscko
>>>>>>
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>>
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/hope.paulos%40gmail.
>>>> com
>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>>> nabs-l:
>>>>>
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/bfs1206%40gmail.com
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> Brianna Scerenscko
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> nabs-l:
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/serenacucco%40verizo
>>>> n.net
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>>> nabs-l:
>>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/kirt.crazydude%40gmail.com
>>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
>>> nabs-l mailing list
>>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>>> nabs-l:
>>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/tealbloodworth%40gmail.com
>>>
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> nabs-l mailing list
>> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>> nabs-l:
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/kerrik2006%40gmail.com
>>
>
> _______________________________________________
> nabs-l mailing list
> nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> nabs-l:
> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/kirt.crazydude%40gmail.com
>