[nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People

Mon Mar 28 05:16:51 UTC 2011

Hi Kerri,

I too can relate to your situation. I did have a few sighted friends
in college, and would sometimes go out for coffee or meals with them,
but I often got the sense that I was their "B-list friend" or just
someone they wanted to hang out with if all their other friends were
busy.

I do think that blindness can make the initial development of
friendships with sighted people more difficult, because we can't use a
lot of the nonverbal communication cues they use. If you think back to
how you first became friends with your current friends (blind or
sighted), friendships often start with repeated interactions and
conversations, either one-on-one or in groups. For us as blind people,
it can be hard to try to find specific people in a group that we want
to be friends with, or to show them via eye contact or other nonverbal
signals that we want to talk with them. This problem is even more
complicated when it comes to flirting and dating, because in these
situations there is a certain expectation to try to be subtle or coy
while still communicating that you are interested in someone. I
remember when I was younger (especially around high-school age, but
also in college) being so frustrated when I would meet a cute boy and
want to try to strategically sit next to him or talk to him, but I
couldn't do that easily without drawing a lot of attention to myself
by asking where he was.

Anyway, getting back to the current issue, I do think it probably
doesn't hurt to ask to join their group, or at least to ask what
they've been doing this weekend or something else to make
conversation. I also agree that it's easier to make friends in
settings where you have a common interest or occupation, such as at
work, in a class or in a club meeting. I know it's cliche, but getting
involved on campus or in your community doing things you enjoy is a
great way to meet people and have things to discuss that you both find
interesting. Organizing a social activity or even just something like
a study group is also a good way to get to know people and to be the
inviter, not the invitee.

As for being independent vs. getting rides, etc., I'd say just do what
feels best. If someone is going to the same place as you and doesn't
live far away, it won't be too big of a deal to ask for a ride.
There's a difference between asking a friend to pick you up to go to
the same bar together and asking your friend to take you shopping or
to your dentist appointment. And while I agree it's not necessary to
be independent just to show others you can be, it's also not necessary
to accept help you don't want just to be friendly.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Arielle

On 3/27/11, Jennifer Aberdeen <freespirit328 at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi all,
>
> well, I know how you feel. I had similar experiences all my life, especially
> in school. It used to bother me tremendously, but it doesn't anymore.
>
> I've gotten to the point where I might go to a restaurant with a friend or
> something where I think I might run into someone I know, and on a few
> accasions, someone came over to say hello to me. For example, I was at the
> bike path once, and someone I knew from high school rode by on his bike and
> said hi. No, it wasn't a conversation, but that person acknowledged that he
> saw and recognized me. That made me very happy.
>
> My next attempt will be to meet some friends from high school at a place
> where they all hang out. I'm long out of high school, but many of the people
> I knew in high school still hang out together and are on my friends list on
> facebook. As a matter of fact, I recently took a small leap at this and told
> my friends on Facebook that I would be at the mall if anyone wanted to say
> hi. Also, if someone on facebook says something that I feel I have in common
> with them, I comment. A bit different from face to face get togethers, but
> it is along the same line I think.
>
> I've learned that the worse someone can say is no or say nothing at all. I
> would say if you are in a place where there are people you know, don't
> hesitate to at least say hello. You never know, they might invite you to sit
> with them. If they don't, it's their loss, not yours.
>
> Don't know if any of this helps, but perhaps some of it is useful.
>
> Jen
> ___________________________________________________________________________________________________
> Shop my store for the latest and greatest in beauty and wellness products!
> www.youravon.com/jaberdeen
>
> Jennifer Aberdeen, AVON Independent Sales Representative
> freespirit328 at gmail.com
> 401-644-5607
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Jedi" <loneblindjedi at samobile.net>
> To: <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Sunday, March 27, 2011 12:36 AM
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] Making Friends/Socializing With Sighted People
>
>
>> No worries, it happens to the sighted as well. Short interactions like
>> that are pretty common, especially when there are several groups of people
>>
>> a place like a bar or coffee house. The way to deal with it is to take a
>> friend with you so you don't feel so lonesome. Otherwise, go to the bar
>> itself as has already been suggested.
>>
>> If you get the feeling like it's appropriate, don't feel bad about asking
>> if you can join a group. I do it all the time and have made some friends
>> that way. Sometimes, you have get the ball rolling with folks, especially
>> those who are a little clueless on blind/sighted relations. Just use your
>> better judgement.
>>
>> Respectfully,
>> Jedi
>>
>> Original message:
>>> Kirt, good post!
>>> Blessings, Joshua
>>
>>> On 3/26/11, Kirt Manwaring <kirt.crazydude at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> Kerry,
>>>>   It's happened to me before, I think that's something a lot of blind
>>>> people can relate to.  For me especially in High School it was the
>>>> hardest cause I had friends but my "group" from Junior High and the
>>>> first part of high school kinda fell apart so my friends were kinda
>>>> all over the place and it was hard.
>>>>   That doesn't happen as much to me anymore, but that's probably me
>>>> more than anything.  I'm fine taking someone's arm, especially in a
>>>> restaurant or crowded kind of place.  And...the way I see it, it's
>>>> better to get rides with people and only pay for cabs when you have to
>>>> or when you're looking to get away and not be with friends.  I bum
>>>> rides off of people all the time, especially if the person's going the
>>>> same place I am.
>>>>   But that's just me.  Honestly, the more I've just been proactive and
>>>> asked if I could sit with friends when I find them in my college food
>>>> court, or invite people to go to games with me, or whatever, the more
>>>> success I've had.  I honestly think a lot of the confusion comes from
>>>> sighted people not knowing how to handle a blind person who likes
>>>> going out and doing stuff on his/her own...people take for granted how
>>>> nice independence is.  It's like...I don't think most sighted people
>>>> would feel liberated going to a college basketball game by themselves,
>>>> going to a bar/restaurant alone, independently going to a movie
>>>> theater and buying a drink, that sort of thing.  But for us blind
>>>> people, if we're still learning those skills and gaining confidence
>>>> with independent travel, we like going places by ourselves to show
>>>> ourselves we can.  At least I do.  And I think lots of times, sighted
>>>> people don't really get that.
>>>>   That being said, I think it's also important to remember we're not
>>>> that different from our sighted friends.  And just because they may
>>>> not understand why we feel the need to sometimes go places totally by
>>>> ourselves, that doesn't mean they can't be our friends.  But I do
>>>> think it's ok to go places with sighted friends.  Honestly, I wouldn't
>>>> be surprised if those people who came and talked to you thought you
>>>> wanted to be alone because you weren't with a group of people.
>>>> Independence is great...but I think real independence is the freedom
>>>> to go where you want to go, hang out with who you want to hang out
>>>> with, even when that means you take someone's arm or find a ride
>>>> somewhere.  Heck...some of my good friends now were people who came up
>>>> to me, thought I was lost, and walked with me for a while, or helped
>>>> me find the line I wanted in the food court, or find a room in a
>>>> building, or whatever.  Even when sometimes I could've done it on my
>>>> own.
>>>>   So in conclusion, don't be afraid to ask people if you can join
>>>> them.  Don't be afraid to go places with sighted people, who you
>>>> trust, even if that means taking an arm or letting them drive.  And
>>>> most of all, don't give up.  Most sighted people are kind, friendly
>>>> and courteous.  I think you'll find that, once they know you for a
>>>> while and accept you, blindness will become less and less of an issue.
>>>>  It won't go away completely, but it doesn't have to be a social
>>>> barrier.  So...I'd just say trust in yourself and don't be afraid to
>>>> take help sometimes.  Because, a lot of the time, a sighted person
>>>> trying to help you is wanting a friend as much as you are...I've met
>>>> some of my best friends that way.
>>>>   Good luck,
>>>> Kirt
>>
>>>> On 3/26/11, Joshua Lester <jlester8462 at students.pccua.edu> wrote:
>>>>> Kerri, I don't know what to do in your situation. I have some of the
>>>>> same problems at my community college. I'll say hi to somebody, but
>>>>> they won't respond. I do have a question, though. I know it's off
>>>>> topic, but how do you access Facebook? Every time I try to create a
>>>>> page, the computer shuts down. Please help me offline.
>>>>> Thanks, Joshua
>>
>>>>> On 3/26/11, Kerri Kosten <kerrik2006 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>>> Hi All!
>>
>>>>>> I thought I'd bring this topic up because I'm interested in hearing
>>>>>> opinions and a lot of people have commented when I mentioned this on
>>>>>> Facebook.
>>
>>>>>> As I've posted here before, my father owned a popular bar/restaurant
>>>>>> that I like to go to on the weekends.
>>
>>>>>> I am noticing that quite often people will come up to where I am
>>>>>> sitting, say hi, have a quick conversation with me, and than say
>>>>>> "Well, I'm going to go join my other friends. Nice seeing you," or
>>>>>> something like that.
>>
>>>>>> I have tried to not let it bother me, just ignore it, cheerfully say
>>>>>> goodbye and go on but it's starting to really bother me. Last night I
>>>>>> saw two girls that live in the same apartment complex as I do, and one
>>>>>> of them works at the radio station with me.
>>
>>>>>> I use my cane all the time when I'm in Crockett's, to get everywhere.
>>>>>> I never ask to take someone's arm, and even when I go outside to catch
>>>>>> my cab to get home I go out by myself. I never ask people for rides,
>>>>>> always paying for cabs to and from to independently get there and
>>>>>> back. I always wear glasses to make my eyes look less funky (one is a
>>>>>> lot tinier than the other), I always make sure my hair is brushed
>>>>>> back, and it is always clean. I usually wear jeans but last night I
>>>>>> was wearing a pair of corduroy pants and a nice shirt with a sweater
>>>>>> vest over it that I know looks nice because it was the outfit I wore
>>>>>> for Christmas. I usually do not wear makeup but put lipstick on last
>>>>>> night.
>>
>>
>>>>>> I discussed this situation earlier with a good friend who is also
>>>>>> totally blind and she said people do the same sort of thing to her in
>>>>>> the dining hall at the college she attends.
>>
>>>>>> Do many of you get similar treatment by sighted people?
>>
>>>>>> In your opinion, what is the best way to react/handle it? Is it rude
>>>>>> to ask the person if you can join their group or should you always
>>>>>> wait until you are invited?
>>
>>>>>> How do you deal with this and not let it affect/bother you or put you
>>>>>> in a negative mood/frame of mind?
>>
>>>>>> The hardest thing for me is when people come up and talk to me and
>>>>>> then they don't invite me to join in and I am left sitting alone it
>>>>>> really upsets me and makes me think negatively. I was told that at
>>>>>> least people do come up and talk to me;they could just walk past and
>>>>>> not say a word. Sometimes though, in a way I think that would make
>>>>>> things easier because then I would have never known they were there in
>>>>>> the first place. I was also told to just cheerfully go on as if
>>>>>> nothing happened and try to not let it bother me, and to think of
>>>>>> myself as number one.
>>
>>>>>> Just something I thought I'd bring up for discussion. I understand all
>>>>>> anyone can give is their opinion.
>>
>>>>>> Kerri
>>
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>>
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-- 
Arielle Silverman
President, National Association of Blind Students
Phone:  602-502-2255
Email:
nabs.president at gmail.com
Website:
www.nabslink.org