[nabs-l] Public humiliation because of blindness.

[christopher nusbaum]

Arielle,
Great post as always! I agree! That would be a good topic for a
conference call, maybe a nabs membership call sometime.

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 21, 2012, at 4:28 PM, Arielle Silverman <arielle71 at gmail.com> wrote:

> Hi Jedi,
> Your comments do resonate with me. While I have not gone through the
> multistep reflective process you have outlined, I have given some
> thought over the past few years to why I react the way I do to certain
> kinds of treatment from the sighted public. Like you, I have
> discovered that being touched or pulled bothers me because of the
> feelings of having my space invaded and, ultimately, because of loss
> of self-control. I agree with you that understanding these motives has
> helped me accept the fact that my resistance to being grabbed or
> manhandled is a normal and healthy response.
> I don't know if others experienced this, but I know when I was growing
> up, my parents would admonish me to be nice and accept any kind of
> well-intentioned treatment I got from sighted people regardless of how
> it made me feel. My parents had a number of friends who were very kind
> people but a bit patronizing toward me. They would often touch, hug,
> pull or otherwise invade my personal space and I would instinctively
> pull away or ask them to stop. My parents would often scold me for
> being rude to their nice friends and other people we encountered and,
> occasionally, would even threaten me with punishment if I was
> resistant toward their actions. I was also admonished not to assert my
> independence when kindhearted people at school or on the street
> offered assistance even if that help was actually anti-helpful. Now, I
> am not trying to say my parents were bad people because they're not. I
> think they wanted to raise children who were kind and polite and they
> did not understand how the well-intentioned attempts at affection or
> assistance actually threatened my sense of dignity. It has only been
> in the last few years that I've learned not to be ashamed of my
> feelings of discomfort when well-intentioned people did things that
> undermined my sense of self-control. And when it really comes down to
> it, being grabbed or pulled around is a safety issue. I have realized
> that my reactions are normal and natural and this has been quite
> liberating.
> I would be interested in participating in a conference call about how
> to handle difficult interactions with members of the public,
> particularly when these members of the public have the intention of
> being kind rather than purposely discriminating against us. There are
> a number of difficult issues involved.
> Best,
> Arielle
>
> On 10/21/12, Jedi Moerke <loneblindjedi at samobile.net> wrote:
>> The balance really isn't that difficult. We all know what could be
>> classified as appropriate treatment and in appropriate treatment. Each of us
>> have different boundaries. The way you figure out when it's right for you to
>> fight or when it's right for you to roll with the punches is a very personal
>> thing. I have a native American friend of mine that uses his own
>> decision-making process based on one developed by the Institute of cultural
>> affairs. It goes something like this:
>>
>> The What: This is the objective aspect of what happened. So, to the best of
>> your ability, think about the incident as though you were an outsider. This
>> is the time to think about both sides. In other words, what might have the
>> other person been thinking? What were you thinking? What was said? What was
>> done? That sort of thing.
>>
>> The Gut: This is the reflective aspect of what happened.  How did you feel
>> about the incident? One way you can figure out your motions is by checking
>> out your physical responses to the experience. Does your stomach feel
>> differently? does your chest feel differently? what about your
>> breathing?Are your muscles relaxed or tense?  What emotion words come to
>> mind? The emotional or reflective aspect of what's happening can give you a
>> clue as to why this particular event is important.
>>
>> So What: This part of the process is where you determine how important this
>> is. The other part of this is to figure out why it's important. So think of
>> this section as the significance section. Maybe a particular event is
>> important because it represents the pattern either for you personally or for
>> blind people generally. As you think about the significance of an event, you
>> may notice that more emotions crop up for you. Take note and add this to
>> your reflective section. You may also gain some objective insights here.
>> Let's use our carnival example. This one incident may, in someway, represent
>> the acts of discrimination of blind people face generally. So for a given
>> individual, this incident might represent something very very important. For
>> someone else, this incident may represent a lack of education. Again, this
>> brings about a sense of importance. And for some of us, it may represent
>> nothing at all. It may simply represent someone's being stupid. And that
>> case, there may not Be much importance at all. So, like I said before, it's
>> quite personal. The level of importance, the feelings you feel, and the
>> objective  incident itself Will help you figure out what to do next.
>>
>> Now What: Now comes the decision. What are you going to do next? If you
>> think this matter represents and incidents requiring education, your next
>> step simply might be to educate. If you feel that more action is required,
>> you may consider escalating the conflict to a supervisor or even to legal
>> action. If you think the guy is just being stupid, your decision maybe just
>> a laugh it off. Again, this is a purely personal matter.
>>
>> This decisional process takes time to develop. The more you practice it, the
>> easier it gets. You will come to a point when you can go through each step
>> in a matter of seconds. For the first little while, you may find That you
>> have to reexperience a moment ex post facto. Most of the time, you may not
>> be able to remedy the situation at this time. On the other hand, you can use
>> this as a teaching moment for yourself. You'll start to notice patterns and
>> yourself, and that's partially what makes this process go a lot quicker as
>> you get better.
>>
>> There will be times when it truly is not feasible to either go through the
>> process or to take the decision to its final outcome. The important thing is
>> to go through the process anyway and your mind afterward. This will help you
>> clear up any emotional tension left behind from the experience. It will also
>> help you move on. You will likely gain some insights about yourself. For
>> example, this process helped  me realize that I don't like to be touched by
>> strangers. This was the real reason why I do not like to be pushed and
>> prodded by people and their attempts to guide me. I also figured out that I
>> feel a loss of control when people push and pull me. This process finally
>> helped me to realize that these emotions are perfectly natural. Many sided
>> people would feel the same way if in the same circumstance. Since figuring
>> that out, I have been able to communicate these feelings to sighted  people
>> in such a way that they understand. The end result has been a sort of
>> dialogue as education. The added bonus is that my issue was suddenly taken
>> out of the blindness context. I really feel like taking things out of the
>> blindness context sometimes helps me to advocate for myself better.
>> Especially since some of these issues are so charged  in our community.
>>
>> I don't know if any of this resonates with any of you, but if it does, I
>> would be willing to put a conference call together regarding this process. I
>> can probably get my native American friend to come and lead the discussion.
>> This process is part of an over all communication system called the elements
>> of honor. I personally found the elements of honor to be an incredibly
>> powerful resource in my life. I had  a lot of issues with the sighted
>> population when I joined his workshops. After learning the system and
>> putting it to good use, I noticed that my problems with the sighted
>> community seem to diminish greatly.
>>
>> I would like to add one more final thought before I go. I think we sometimes
>> carry an invisible audience with us into situations like these. I have felt
>> in the past that it was my responsibility to represent the entire blind
>> community in every interaction I ever had. So in effect, it felt like having
>> each of you in my back pocket wherever I went. As you might've guessed, we
>> all have different opinions on how these things ought  to be handled. And so
>> I sort of felt like I had several critics telling me do this, do that, don't
>> do this,  don't do that. I really feel like the added stress of the
>> invisible audience actually made my reactions to situations much more severe
>> than they could have been otherwise. So remember, at the end of the day, we
>> all have to deal with these issues in a very personal way. At the end of the
>> day, we essentially represent ourselves and our own preferences. The
>> preferences of others serve to educate our own minds as to the variety of
>> options available to us, but they should never dictate what we do in  a
>> particular situation, especially if the advice is not in keeping with our
>> own personal Process.
>>
>> I hope that helps.
>>
>> Respectfully
>> Jedi
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone
>>
>> On Oct 20, 2012, at 10:29 AM, Kirt Manwaring <kirt.crazydude at gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>>> John,
>>> I think knowing when to speak up and when to let things go is
>>> probably the hardest thing about being an independent blind person.
>>> Best of luck to you!
>>>
>>> On 10/20/12, christopher nusbaum <dotkid.nusbaum at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>> I totally agree! You could also contact your NFB chapter or state
>>>> president, and maybe they would be able to help you. I think the best
>>>> course of action here is to be proactive and to educate them before
>>>> the embarrassment happens.
>>>>
>>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>>>
>>>> On Oct 20, 2012, at 1:52 AM, Mauricio Almeida
>>>> <mauriciopmalmeida at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>>
>>>>> greetings,
>>>>>
>>>>> While i have never had a situation exactly like this one, I thought I
>>>>> would point out my views on some  of the issues discussed herein.
>>>>> I strongly agree that you should take some kind of action regarding
>>>>> this
>>>>> matter, because it is because we let go of things in the past that we
>>>>> need
>>>>> to deal with these situations nowadays.
>>>>> however, coming to us and sharing your experience, is already an
>>>>> action.
>>>>> You have allowed yourself to calm down, and you have accepted the
>>>>> situation understanding that it is not your fault for having a
>>>>> disability,
>>>>> but his fault for not knowing how to seal with the situation and being
>>>>> totally inappropriate about it.
>>>>> This is a big step within itself.
>>>>> About further action, I would fill a complaint with the place's
>>>>> management, as suggested in the first reply of this e-mail, and stand
>>>>> by.
>>>>> if the issue persist, then consider additional steps.
>>>>> The important thing is to remember how to distinguish ignorance from
>>>>> prejudice. many people do not know what the blind can do, which is why
>>>>> sometimes they ask way to many questions over a simples matter. in
>>>>> those
>>>>> cases, the best approach is to educate them.
>>>>> when however the person is purposefully making you embarrassed, (or
>>>>> whenever it seems to be this way) don't hesitate to take an aggressive
>>>>> stance.
>>>>>
>>>>> sincerely,
>>>>>
>>>>> Mauricio Almeida
>>>>> Vice president: Michigan association of blind students
>>>>> On Oct 19, 2012, at 9:32 PM, Carly Mihalakis <carlymih at comcast.net>
>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>>> Good evening, carnival chick,
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Let it go! Just consider what the attendant's attentions probably were
>>>>>> and his experience with blindness. He probably has neither. At 05:08
>>>>>> PM
>>>>>> 10/19/2012, you wrote:
>>>>>>> I'm wondering if anyone else besides me has had an incident like the
>>>>>>> one
>>>>>>> I'm about to discuss. This does not have to necessarily be at a
>>>>>>> carnival; this can be anywhere. I am trying to figure out what to do
>>>>>>> to
>>>>>>> take action against the person involved in this situation and am
>>>>>>> looking
>>>>>>> for advice.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I went to our state fair today to hang out at the carnival. I always
>>>>>>> have fun and today was no exception. I am a very big fan of walking
>>>>>>> through funhouses, especially the ones that are like obstacle courses
>>>>>>> with moving floors, turntables, and the like. My favorite one is a
>>>>>>> massive 4-story one called the King's Circus. First, let me say that
>>>>>>> it
>>>>>>> is absolutely crucial that a blind person get help when he/she walks
>>>>>>> through this. There are openings that you have to watch out for while
>>>>>>> navigating certain tricks and also some tricky maneuvering if you use
>>>>>>> a
>>>>>>> long cane. For instance, the first thing you encounter is a large
>>>>>>> turntable that you step on to to ride around to the entrance. You
>>>>>>> have
>>>>>>> to watch for an opening and the gap is too narrow to put your cane
>>>>>>> through once you step on and grab the pole. You have to step off
>>>>>>> while
>>>>>>> said platform is spinning and could have a really nasty accident if
>>>>>>> someone is not there to make sure you didn't miss it; I nearly have
>>>>>>> planted my face in the wall when trying to do it independently. I
>>>>>>> have
>>>>>>> been through this funhouse five times, not counting today, and have
>>>>>>> had
>>>>>>> no issues with getting help from attendants. The guys who ran it in
>>>>>>> the
>>>>>>> past were totally awesome and did not treat blindness as an issue.
>>>>>>> Today
>>>>>>> they didn't either. However, there was one attendant in particular
>>>>>>> who
>>>>>>> decided that it was necessary to publicly embarrass me. He asked my
>>>>>>> companion if he had ever heard of the school for the blind; I only
>>>>>>> found
>>>>>>> this out later because I went up to go down the 4-story slide from
>>>>>>> the
>>>>>>> top of the building. My companion chose not to as he is a big guy and
>>>>>>> the slide is a tight fit. No problem. HOwever, he then proceeded to
>>>>>>> yell
>>>>>>> to the entire funhouse that a blind person was there and getting
>>>>>>> ready
>>>>>>> to come down. I understand that I needed to wait until the person I
>>>>>>> was
>>>>>>> with got down the stairs, but was totally embarrassed by his actions.
>>>>>>> He
>>>>>>> did not let me get a word in either. This was the culmination of a
>>>>>>> series of incidents. First he made everyone cut in front of me at a
>>>>>>> particular floor trick that he thought I could not do. I proved him
>>>>>>> wrong on that one. However, he would not allow me to explore on my
>>>>>>> own
>>>>>>> like the other guys used to do. I was usually followed at a
>>>>>>> respectful
>>>>>>> distance and left to my own devices once I got past the entry
>>>>>>> turntable
>>>>>>> and moving stairs, only getting help when I needed to check that the
>>>>>>> path was clear and also to help me bypass things I did not want to
>>>>>>> do,
>>>>>>> like the hamster wheel. I do not mind waiting to go down the slide as
>>>>>>> someone has always told me when it is clear. He also made everyone go
>>>>>>> ahead of me because of blindness. Again, I could not get a word in to
>>>>>>> him to ask him to back off. I am trying to figure out what to do to
>>>>>>> take
>>>>>>> action against this person. I never got his name, but I do have a
>>>>>>> recording of the walk as evidence of what happened. Mind you, the
>>>>>>> funhouse was crowded today so I understand that I could not explore
>>>>>>> too
>>>>>>> much. But this guy clearly had low expectations and did not expect me
>>>>>>> to
>>>>>>> do anything independently.
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>>>>>>
>>>>>>
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