[nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work... advice?

Mon Dec 30 10:51:11 UTC 2013

Hi, Sandra,

         I'm in to keeping this thread open until it is no longer 
needed. PM 12/29/2013, Sandra Gayer wrote:
>Hello Car,
>I hope Sandy wasn't referring to me as my name is Sandra. I never
>liked shortened forms much, hee hee!
>
>You raise a good point by suggesting Kaiti's nuisance caller should be
>given some love, care and attention. I think we can agree that if the
>caller gets positive reinforcement, she will keep calling. If she
>receives negative reinforcement, this will fan the flames and she will
>keep calling. The best way is to keep tone of voice, words spoken as
>well as vocal and physical mannerisms nutral while speaking to her.
>Kaiti reached out to this list for help and advice to stop this
>person's calls and, (if we want to do any good at all),  our primary
>aim should be to help Kaiti achieve this. I agree that the caller
>wants and needs lots of TLC but this is not Kaiti's responsibility.
>Why should it fall to Kaiti and her friend to provide this girl with
>the emotional support network she needs when she has a family and can
>use the services designed for this? If she can pick up a phone, she
>can use a crisis line instead of treating other vulnerable people as a
>crisis line substitute.
>
>Kaiti, I think your patience with this girl and your supportiveness
>have been admirable. I'm glad what we're saying is giving you ideas to
>think about and here are just a couple more to throw in: Pretending to
>be someone else or lying about being asleep etc won't help you. She
>will pick up on all this even if she can't interpret it well enough to
>understand what you're doing. She will feel uncertain at the very
>least. We have to ask ourselves what she does with this uncertainty.
>She will either be upset by it, intrigued or excited. This will result
>in her continuing to call as all these emotions will act as
>distractions or fans to her flames. Try not to let her talk and talk
>uninterrupted. Maybe she isn't getting the time and space to talk at
>home or at school and she is using you and your friend to provide her
>with the support she doesn't have at home. This is something else
>helplines are designed for and are by no means your responsibility.
>You seam like a lovely girl and this may go against your good manners
>but when you and she start speaking, interrupt her with your prepared
>script, (if you decide to use one). With or without a script,
>interrupt her with something along the lines of the ideas already
>given to you or with something you come up with yourself. Either way,
>it's another component of the conversation no longer open to her which
>will help close the channel between you, as it were.
>
>Did you say in your last email that you're sixteen? I didn't realise
>you're so young and that makes it even more important that your
>emotional wellbeing doesn't suffer as the result of these calls.
>
>Someone asked earlier if we could stop this thread because he or she
>doesn't want to hear about private life matters. NB, this is not a
>chat room, this is an email list with multiple threads which you can
>choose to read or not and I suggest we keep this thread open until the
>issue is resolved. Is that alright with everyone else?
>
>It's count down to New Year and I hope everyone enjoys it!
>Sandra.
>
>On 12/30/13, Carly Mihalakis <carlymih at comcast.net> wrote:
> >
> >
> > Good evening, Sandy,
> >
> > Or, you could try projecting love and patience to this girl for, you
> > hafta imagine a cold, non reaction is what she's used to receiving.
> > Doesn't it continue to seem that this girl is reaching out, looking
> > for a shoulder to cry on? Can't we be human once in a whiole?
> > for today, Car
> >
> > 2013, Sandra Gayer wrote:
> >>Hello Kaiti,
> >>I'm glad you're thinking positively about the advice given through
> >>this list. It's worth adding that, when you or members of your family
> >>speak to her again, keep signs of distress or pleasure out of your
> >>voices and mannerisms. If she hears signs of your good mood, it will
> >>act as a distraction from her own fears, giving her an emotional
> >>reason to keep calling you. If she hears stress and anxiety from you,
> >>it will feed her own fears, giving her an emotional reason to keep
> >>calling you.
> >>
> >>We have suggested you recommend crisis lines, web based emotional
> >>support services  and therapy to this girl. However, all of this is
> >>clearly taking its toll on you and if you need emotional support
> >>yourself, don't hesitate to avail of any available service. They are
> >>open to anyone who needs them at any time. You have as much right to
> >>support as anyone else. Even helpline volunteers need regular support
> >>to deal with what they encounter.
> >>
> >>Very best wishes,
> >>Sandra.
> >>
> >>On 12/29/13, Kaiti Shelton <crazy4clarinet104 at gmail.com> wrote:
> >> > Hi Melissa,
> >> >
> >> > The NFB Philosophy part came from my attempts to try to help her see
> >> > that being blind is not the end of the world.  I think a lot of these
> >> > issues are related to very low self-esteem in regards to being someone
> >> > with a visual impairment, so that was what I tried to do to help her
> >> > in the beginning.
> >> >
> >> > The whole thing just seemed so odd... The program we both attended was
> >> > just a weekend thing, so by meeting this girl once I wouldn't even put
> >> > her into the category of being an acquaintance.  It has been really
> >> > difficult for me and my other friend to figure out why she has chosen
> >> > to continually call us because we only were with her for a day and a
> >> > half or so.
> >> >
> >> > I always make an effort to help and reach out to other students who
> >> > are having trouble with their acceptance of blindness when I meet
> >> > them, but my attempts just didn't work with her and there is nothing
> >> > more I can do, especially since I'm not even home most of the time.  I
> >> > appreciate the sound advice I've been given; sometimes that can be
> >> > very good to hear, even in logical situations.
> >> >
> >> > On 12/28/13, Laurel and Stockard <laurel.stockard at gmail.com> wrote:
> >> >> You know, seriously, if she's calling your house and bothering your
> >> >> family,
> >> >> and her own parents might not be aware, then call her parents and talk
> >> >> to
> >> >> them. Tell them what happens when she calls, and that you wish her not
> >> >> to
> >> >> call any more. I believe somebody said something to this effect
> >> >> already,
> >> >> and
> >> >> I agree. This way you're doing 3 things, you're in no uncertain terms
> >> >> telling her to stop bothering you, you're also getting her some help
> >> >> in
> >> >> the
> >> >> form of letting her parents know what's going on, and they are in a
> >> >> much
> >> >> better position to actually make her get help, and you in a round
> >> >> about
> >> >> way
> >> >> are showing that you care. You care enough to let somebody else in her
> >> >> life
> >> >> know what's happening so that she can get help.
> >> >> jmo
> >> >> Laurel
> >> >> On Dec 28, 2013, at 2:48 PM, Dave Webster <dwebster125 at gmail.com>
> >> >> wrote:
> >> >>
> >> >>> Yea true.  I've had some problems like that in the past whare I had
> >> >>> people
> >> >>> calling me that I didn't want to talk to anymore.  I tried to contact
> >> >>> the
> >> >>> police and all of that and they just say just block her number.  They
> >> >>> won't
> >> >>> do anything.  Especially since they have more serious issues to deal
> >> >>> with.
> >> >>>
> >> >>> -----Original Message-----
> >> >>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of I. C.
> >> >>> Bray
> >> >>> Sent: Saturday, December 28, 2013 3:49 AM
> >> >>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> >> >>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work...
> >> >>> advice?
> >> >>>
> >> >>> Dave,
> >> >>> It is not so much that it is illegal, but that it is potentially
> >> >>> dangerous
> >> >>> for Kaiti .
> >> >>>
> >> >>> Stalking isn't illegal-- except when you have been warned and placed
> >> >>> under
> >> >>> a
> >> >>> court order, but we all agree it is somewhat unnerving.. NO?
> >> >>>
> >> >>> I hear where you're coming from, but the point I think is Kaiti is
> >> >>> beginning
> >> >>> to feel in over her head.
> >> >>>
> >> >>> Bless you for being sensitive, Kaiti, but sometimes you have to  be
> >> >>> firm.
> >> >>>
> >> >>> Ian
> >> >>>
> >> >>>
> >> >>> ----- Original Message -----
> >> >>> From: "Dave Webster" <dwebster125 at gmail.com>
> >> >>> To: "'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'"
> >> >>> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> >> >>> Sent: Friday, December 27, 2013 9:45 PM
> >> >>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work...
> >> >>> advice?
> >> >>>
> >> >>>
> >> >>> :I wouldn't go that far.  Per haps her parents know what she's doing.
> >> >>> I
> >> >>> mean
> >> >>> : it was her parents that gave her the list of people anyhow.
> >> >>> Authorities
> >> >>> : won't do much sh'es not doing anything that's against the law.
> >> >>> :
> >> >>> : -----Original Message-----
> >> >>> : From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Lillie
> >> >>> : Pennington
> >> >>> : Sent: Friday, December 27, 2013 6:10 PM
> >> >>> : To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> >> >>> : Subject: Re: [nabs-l] When NFB philosophy doesn't seem to work...
> >> >>> advice?
> >> >>> :
> >> >>> : I hate to suggest this, but have you tried getting in touch with
> >> >>> her
> >> >>> parents
> >> >>> : or other authorities in her area? This is sort of an extreme option
> >> >>> but
> >> >>>
> >> >>> you
> >> >>> : may need to take such actions.
> >> >>> :
> >> >>> : Sent from my iPhone
> >> >>> :
> >> >>> : > On Dec 27, 2013, at 8:46 PM, Kaiti Shelton
> >> >>> <crazy4clarinet104 at gmail.com>
> >> >>> : wrote:
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : > Hi,
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : > I tried mentioning the idea of getting help to her, and it made
> >> >>> her
> >> >>> : > upset.  She can get really mad at me when she thinks that I'm not
> >> >>> : > taking her seriously or are avoiding talking to her.
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : > A lot of what she has told me about has been blindness stuff, but
> >> >>> : > there are some odd social tendencies that she has too.  She had
> >> >>> some
> >> >>> : > issues with teachers in high school because she said they didn't
> >> >>> take
> >> >>> : > her seriously and weren't treating her like everyone else, and
> >> >>> she
> >> >>> : > also kept telling me that her "blind friends" that she made would
> >> >>> stop
> >> >>> : > talking to her.  Often she would tell me this while she was
> >> >>> crying,
> >> >>> so
> >> >>> : > I couldn't understand what she was saying about the situation.
> >> >>> Then
> >> >>> : > she told me her parents were going to make her see someone.  This
> >> >>> was
> >> >>> : > in my senior year of high school.  The last time I actually
> >> >>> talked
> >> >>> to
> >> >>> : > her, things seemed pretty good.  She was saying she got a
> >> >>> boyfriend,
> >> >>> : > so I thought things would be going better.
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : > If she calls again I will offer her a help line number and see
> >> >>> how
> >> >>> : > that goes, but I'm wondering if she will take that advice since
> >> >>> she
> >> >>> : > was so opposed to therapy when I mentioned it to her in the past.
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : > I do think a lot of her problems stem from a combination of
> >> >>> blindness
> >> >>> : > issues and some social quirks, but I feel in those areas I've
> >> >>> done
> >> >>> and
> >> >>> : > said all I know to.  I will try this again and see what she does.
> >> >>> : >
> >> >>> : >> On 12/27/13, Dave Webster <dwebster125 at gmail.com> wrote:
> >> >>> : >> Yea.  I still at times don't know how to deal with girls.  I have
> >> >>> a
> >> >>> : >> tendency to move too fast at times when it comes to
> >> >>> relationships.
> >> >>> I
> >> >>> : >> don't mean to embarrass you or anything but I also have a bit of
> >> >>> a
> >> >>> : >> strange fettish which I've struggled with my whole life.  I've
> >> >>> tried
> >> >>> : >> to tlak to therpists about it but I've noto been able to get
> >> >>> them
> >> >>> to
> >> >>> : >> help with it.  They don't want to touch it when it comes to
> >> >>> talking
> >> >>> : >> about it.  So.
> >> >>> : >>
> >> >>> : >> -----Original Message-----
> >> >>> : >> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of
> >> >>> Beth
> >> >>> : >> Taurasi
> >> >>> : >> Sent: Friday, December 27, 2013 4:53 PM
> >> >>> : >> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> >> >>> :
> >> >>> : _______________________________________________
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> >> >>> :
> >> >>>
> >> 
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> >> >>> :
> >> >>> :
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> >> >>>
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> >> >>
> >> >>
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> >> >>
> >> >
> >> >
> >> > --
> >> > Kaiti
> >> >
> >> > _______________________________________________
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> >> 
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/sandragayer7%40gmail.com
> >> >
> >>
> >>
> >>--
> >>Soprano Singer
> >>  www.sandragayer.com
> >>
> >>Broadcast Presenter
> >>
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> >>
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>
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