[nabs-l] offensive questions

Arielle Silverman arielle71 at gmail.com
Wed May 29 00:46:57 UTC 2013


Yes, I think it's a lot worse for people to openly say that a child is
helping their blind mom/dad out than it is to say that about a dog.
It's untrue and insulting to say that about a dog too, but at least
the dog doesn't understand the comments. A child does understand and
it could be bad for the child to start thinking they should be helping
their mom/dad because, as you said, it's not appropriate for kids to
have that kind of responsibility. I'm glad you took the time to
correct these people for your daughter's sake.

Arielle

On 5/28/13, Misty Dawn Bradley <mistydbradley at gmail.com> wrote:
> Hi Melissa,
> I agree with you about not being rude, and also about having the dog and
> people thinking of it as social and an icebreaker, etc. I use my cane and
> don't have a dog, but I have a 5-year-old daughter that is with me when she
> is not in school, and people always tell her things like, "Be a good girl
> and help your mama out." Of course, I try to be polite and explain to them
> that I know the routes, and she is with me to be my daughter and not there
> to guide me.
> I had an interesting incident just this afternoon where I went to Walmart
> with my daughter and was waiting at the bus stop to go home, and there was a
> lady with her 12-year-old son waiting there also. My daughter has a harness
> that looks like a horse that I put on her so she will stay next to me and
> not run off, because she still doesn't always want to hold my hand when we
> are out on the street, in the store, or wherever we are. Well, the lady saw
> me with the backpack-looking safety strap on my daughter, and she told a
> fellow bus rider in a soft voice but one I could still hear, "Oh, she has to
> wear that harness because her mom is blind and she has to help her." I am
> guessing that the lady was comparing my daughter to a guide dog or
> something. I politely but quickly interjected that the safety strap is only
> to make sure that my daughter is safely beside me and doesn't run out into
> the street unexpectedly or that no one can just grab her and take off with
> her, etc. It is also used by sighted people, and I have even had sighted
> people ask me where I got it so they can use it with their small children to
> make sure they don't run off while they are out. After I said that, the lady
> thought about it and then she said to the fellow bus rider, "Oh yes, her mom
> must know where she is going, because she already knows that it is almost
> her stop." They were all surprised that I knew exactly where to get off
> without anyone telling me, because I am familiar with the route and all of
> the turns, etc. I get these comments about my daughter helping me, and they
> even tell her that she is a good pair of eyes for me, which irritates me
> sometimes, but I try to be polite anyway and explain that she doesn't have
> to help me, because I go out on my own a lot anyway, even when she is in
> school, without help. I hate it when people treat my daughter as if she is
> my personal assistant or servant or something, and I don't want my daughter
> to think she has to be that for me, especially when I am perfectly capable
> of doing things independently. Also, it is not her responsibility to help
> me, especially since she is still young. I don't think any sighted person
> would think of their kids that way, and they surely wouldn't want people
> treating their kids like personal assistants or servants, and I am sure that
> if any sighted person observing another sighted person treating their
> children in such a manner, they would be horrified. However, since I am
> blind, they seem to think it is OK for my daughter to have to be my personal
> helper/servant/pair of eyes.
> People come up with the strangest ideas and logic sometimes when it comes to
> blindness, and I am hoping that the encounter with me today taught this lady
> something about blind people that is positive instead of negative.
> Misty
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "melissa Green" <lissa1531 at gmail.com>
> To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list"
> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, May 28, 2013 6:29 PM
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] offensive questions
>
>
>> You are so right arielle.
>> I don't know how to respond either to the amazing and other comments.
>> Like you I try to educate them, or say something like its what I have to
>> do
>> to be successful my in life.
>> I would say that not to be rude is also very helpful.
>> I can't count the times that people have said to me that I treat them with
>> respect and thank me for not being rude.
>> then they tell me about a blind person that was rude and nasty to them.
>> Here is something that I hav discovered.
>> When I was using my cane people never said good cane!, taking care of your
>> mama.
>> With a dog, I get that a lot.
>> Also, people expect the dog to be an ixebreaker.
>> She isn't that for me at all.
>> I know blind people who do say that their dogs made their social lives.
>> I am not one of those people.
>> I don't like it when people aproach me because now I have a dog, and I
>> don't
>> like it when people talk to the dog and not to me.
>> Many people would say that I am strange for having these reactions.
>> Sincerely,
>> Melissa and Pj
>> "Forever is composed of nows." -Emily Dickinson
>> facebook Melissa R Green
>> Linkedin www.linkedin.com/in/melissagreen5674
>> skype: lissa5674
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com>
>> To: <jsoro620 at gmail.com>; "National Association of Blind Students mailing
>> list" <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Monday, May 27, 2013 6:42 PM
>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] offensive questions
>>
>>
>> Agreed. Unfortunately there are times when people ask questions out of
>> doubt or sarcasm rather than out of true curiosity. They already
>> believe we can't do something and answering their question about how
>> we do it doesn't persuade them to give us a job, or a second date, or
>> whatever. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a question is asked out of
>> curiosity or if the questioner has already made up his/her mind.
>> However, I do think we should give folks the benefit of the doubt and
>> at least attempt to educate them the best we can. We don't want
>> well-intentioned folks to feel they have to bottle their questions
>> inside and never learn what they want to learn about blindness. I also
>> agree that if a question crosses personal boundaries, such as a
>> question about how we handle toilet matters, then it should be
>> addressed more assertively. I have luckily not been asked any
>> questions that I found to be rude or invasive, but I know others have
>> at times.
>> I don't mind answering (appropriate) questions at all, but I am always
>> stumped when some stranger tells me I am
>> amazing/brave/inspiring/courageous. I can never figure out how to
>> respond in such a way that acknowledges their goodwill but also
>> attempts to educate them about the fact I am not very amazing or brave
>> just because I can walk somewhere by myself. I could just say "thank
>> you" and move on, but I don't like doing that because I feel like by
>> thanking them I am validating what they think about blind people being
>> amazing for doing the simplest things. Sometimes I find myself just
>> ignoring the comment because I don't know what to say. Other times I
>> will attempt to briefly explain the relevant techniques that I use, if
>> time allows and if they seem interested. How do you handle this?
>>
>> Arielle
>>
>> On 5/27/13, Joe <jsoro620 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>> Damn, this stupid JAWS thing isn't letting me respond to sender. LOL Just
>>> to
>>> chime in that I thought this was an excellent and well-written post. I'm
>>> sure you're a superb journalist.--Joe
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of The weird
>>> writer
>>> Sent: Saturday, May 25, 2013 1:40 AM
>>> To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
>>> Subject: [nabs-l] offensive questions
>>>
>>> The restaurant bustles with activity as my date and I sit opposite each
>>> other, talking about ourselves and what we do. To my immediate right, a
>>> woman is talking to her mom on her cell phone about the baseball game she
>>> missed. Different smells bounce off my nose as men and women pass us
>>> making
>>> their way to their tables. Dishes clatter in the kitchen behind me, and
>>> my
>>> date’s cologne, masked over with deodorant, sprays my sense of smell as I
>>> gaze towards his ebony accented voice. We’re chatting jovially, our
>>> laughter
>>> dicing holes in conversations around us, making people stop, and, I'm
>>> sure,
>>> stare at this interracial gay couple.
>>>
>>> When the dishes come, we get into the topic of careers. He's a teacher.
>>> With a mouth full, and hesitation dotting his syllables like rain, he
>>> asks
>>> me a very important question.
>>>
>>> “If you’re blind, how can you be a journalist?”
>>>
>>> Instantly the talons rise, and my fingers toy with the idea of creeping
>>> towards his throat. A dozen retorts bang into my head as if it were a
>>> chamber full of bullets, ready to blast this rude insensitive sighted
>>> person
>>> away. After a split second however, I suddenly realize that he's never
>>> seen
>>> adaptive technology, and he's never seen a Braille display, and he's
>>> certainly never seen a victor reader stream or a computer with a screen
>>> reader before. He's not in my world and he never was. Taking a deep
>>> breath,
>>> I explain how I'm a journalist when I'm blind, all with a huge smile on
>>> my
>>> face. The reason I choose to answer all his questions, and many others,
>>> instead of following my gut instinct to be sarcastic is, he may not be in
>>> my
>>> world, but I know he can be if I just teach him.
>>>
>>> Whenever I hang around blind people and we make jokes about speech
>>> synthesizers that sighted people wouldn't understand a sentence is
>>> uttered
>>> without fail. Sooner or later, we get to talking about sighted people and
>>> their lack of blindness knowledge. The words fly at me like sharp bullets
>>> that are not meant for me. They’re angry at the sighted people who ask us
>>> how we type on a computer. It's an angry question that's become a common
>>> one
>>> in the blindness community.
>>>
>>> “They should know better. Why are they so stupid?”
>>>
>>> When that's uttered, I immediately see things through the sighted point
>>> of
>>> view. The truth is, they won’t be an expert about blindness ways or
>>> technology. They shouldn’t know better because no one knows everything,
>>> especially about a different way of living. They shouldn’t know better.
>>> Instead, we have to get angry less, and educate more.
>>>
>>> Education is the key of knowledge that will turn itself, unlocking the
>>> right
>>> doors if the right direction is given. Among the disabled community who
>>> tend
>>> to get angry when they're asked to educate, this applies to people with
>>> HIV
>>> and aids as well.
>>>
>>> I've seen countless instances where someone with HIV or AIDS gets
>>> offended
>>> when a potential partner asks him if he will contract if they exchange
>>> saliva. The contracted person became offended, and stormed off, hurt.
>>> Upon
>>> further investigation, I learned that his date didn't even know what HIV
>>> did. He didn't even know that it didn't have a cure.
>>>
>>> A lot of people say ignorance is bliss, but it's also a divider. Even
>>> today,
>>> the biggest hurtle that we all have to overcome is inclusion and
>>> acceptance,
>>> even among the gay community, disabled community, and HIV community. In
>>> today's day and age, just simple curiosity could ruin a good friendship
>>> or
>>> relationship because of “offensive questions.” That divide grows because
>>> we
>>> are easily offended at the questions we asked ourselves at one point.
>>>
>>> When I was learning the bus route for my daily commutes, I wondered if it
>>> would even work, me having to travel on the bus for field reporting.
>>> I've asked the same question as my restaurant date. “How am I going to be
>>> a
>>> journalist?” with patience, and persistence, I figured out the answers
>>> with
>>> trial and error and learning from my own past mistakes. If I would have
>>> let
>>> my own question offend me then I wouldn't have figured out the answer.
>>>
>>> I don't have HIV but I had to ask the above question in order to find out
>>> that you can't get HIV from a small exchange of saliva. I know now how to
>>> better do my job as a blind journalist because I had to find an answer. I
>>> couldn't let those two questions go unanswered. If I did, then how
>>> blissful
>>> would I be, ignorant about knowledge that would help someone else as well
>>> as
>>> me in the future.
>>>
>>> I don't think anyone should remain in the dark if I have an answer to a
>>> question. Answers, with all their simplicity sprinkle awareness along
>>> with
>>> their validity. Not far behind awareness comes understanding, and soon,
>>> acceptance. An answer to a seemingly offensive question doesn't just
>>> satisfy
>>> curiosity but it opens up a door to understand. There are a lot of other
>>> positive things behind that door even if they’re not visible immediately.
>>> Some effects are immediate, such as inclusion, and others are far off,
>>> such
>>> as advocacy born from awareness.
>>>
>>> When I look around and see a world that's divided as it is, I don’t want
>>> to
>>> divide it even more just because someone asks me how I use a computer. If
>>> education breeds positive results then people who live in different
>>> conditions should educate others how they do it. it's the only way to end
>>> these “offensive questions.”
>>>
>>> The goal of inclusion is to do just that, include. My sighted date lives
>>> in
>>> an ethnic world I'll never completely understand because I've never lived
>>> through the discriminatory history but I can ask questions, and with each
>>> answer, I'm no longer on the outside anymore. We’re together.
>>> With every answer I give about my adaptive life, we’re coming together in
>>> a
>>> way that offended people won’t be able to do for a very long time.
>>> He understands me now and that's the most valuable education I could ever
>>> give.
>>>
>>> If people really want to have us unite to stand for a positive voice then
>>> we
>>> can't widen the distance because we’re offended at questions.
>>> Instead, we should open our world to people and share as much as we can,
>>> if
>>> asked. If we keep doing that I know that the door will open wide enough
>>> to
>>> let all of us through to a better world, a world where we all know each
>>> other, stand for one another, and unite for equality and embrace the best
>>> teacher of all, differences. That would make a beautifully educated
>>> world,
>>> one where I’d be happy to say that this positive change was the result of
>>> answering offensive questions.
>>>
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