[nabs-l] offensive questions

[Sophie Trist]

Melissa, while I had to laugh at your funny email, I disagree 
with you. If we want sighties to stop patronizing us, we have to 
be polite and respectful to them. If we don't educate them and 
instead be rude to them and patronize them, no progress will be 
made. I know it's hard. I know it's not been easy to be 
respectful and patient. Sometimes, when I'm reading or writing 
and someone asks me ten billion questions about my braillenote 
like it's some kind of machine from outer space, I just wanna 
say, "I'm busy here. Leave me alone." But because I want them to 
know that I can do anything they can do and to prove that my 
blindness doesn't make me an antisocial psychopath, I stop and 
briefly explain my braillenote to them. The same goes for my 
iPhone with voiceover or anything else I use or do. Patience can 
get us places. After all, a lot of times sighties have to explain 
things to us (or at least to me) about things like colors and 
fashion. All I'm saying is, treat others how you wanna be 
treated.

 ----- Original Message -----
From: "melissa Green" <lissa1531 at gmail.com
To: "National Association of Blind Students mailing list" 
<nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Tue, 28 May 2013 16:32:18 -0600
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] offensive questions

If I ruled the world.
All of the sighted people would be blind for a few years.
The blind would be in control and we would do all the patronizing 
things
that they do to us to them.
*dreamful sigh*.

Sincerely,
Melissa and Pj
"Forever is composed of nows." -Emily Dickinson
facebook Melissa R Green
Linkedin www.linkedin.com/in/melissagreen5674
skype: lissa5674

----- Original Message -----
From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com
To: "Misty Dawn Bradley" <MistyDBradley at gmail.com>; "National 
Association of
Blind Students mailing list" <nabs-l at nfbnet.org
Sent: Monday, May 27, 2013 7:45 PM
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] offensive questions


Misty,
What happened to you yesterday sounds very aggravating. If I may 
ask,
was this offending person an employee at an establishment where 
you
were hanging out, or just someone who was part of your social 
group?
If she was an employee, then perhaps you might want to call the
manager and complain about what happened? It's one thing to ask
questions, but what's maddening about this situation is that it 
sounds
like you told her how you do things, and how you prefer to be 
treated,
and she simply didn't listen. I often feel like strangers I 
encounter
on the street don't fully listen to what I am saying. Sometimes 
if I
do need some information and ask a question, they don't really 
listen
to my question and just say what they think I want to hear. For
example, on Saturday I was walking through a parking lot to get 
to a
restaurant. There was a sidewalk path, but I remembered that it 
had
been under construction and was walking in  the parking lot to 
avoid
the construction. Someone came up and offered to help me get back 
on
the sidewalk. I asked him if the sidewalk barricades had been 
removed,
but instead of answering me he kept saying he wanted to help me 
get
back on the sidewalk and going on about how dangerous it was for 
me to
be walking in the parking lot. Anyway, I finally had to stop him 
and
say "Could you please answer the question I'm asking you? Are 
there
barricades on the sidewalk?" and finally he told me the 
barricades had
been removed. It would have gone much faster for both of us if he 
had
just answered my original question the first time and then I 
could
have moved to the sidewalk without assistance.
I also think the patronizing actions of others are most 
frustrating of
all. Too often I have people patting me on the arm or telling me 
I'm
doing a good job as I walk by them, as if I need a cheerleader. I
sometimes am tempted to grab some of these people, inform them 
that I
will be receiving my Ph.D. in the next year, and then ask them if 
they
would speak to an adult of my educational stature this way?
As a psychologist I am really intrigued by the ways that sighted
people think about how they would behave if they became blind. It 
has
been well-documented that people neglect how much they can, and 
would,
adapt to new situations over time. The fact is that if any of 
these
doubting sighted folks became blind, they would have to adapt in 
order
to keep living their lives. Some of them might lapse into 
depression,
or be rich enough to hire full-time help with everything, but 
most of
these people would be resilient enough (and practical enough) to 
learn
the exact same skills we take for granted. However, sighted 
people
looking into the future don't realize that this would happen. In 
one
of my blindness simulation experiments I actually asked sighted 
people
how well they thought they could perform various activities if 
they
became blind, and most said they thought they would be extremely
incapable. Notably, this was worse for those who had just been
blindfolded and asked to walk around with a cane without any 
training.
The participants' ratings of how capable they would be as blind 
people
were closely related to their ratings of how capable actual blind
people would be at the exact same tasks, suggesting that sighted
people think about how they would do it and then use that 
prediction
to make a judgment about how others would do the same thing 
blind.
I think when we work on educating people, we want to get across 
to
them that blindness techniques are things that pretty much anyone 
can
learn. Those of us who have learned blindness techniques aren't
special and we don't have superpowers. We just learned these 
skills
because we were motivated to do normal things and we had no other
choice but to use the alternative skills. It's simply not 
practical
for most of us to have sighted help doing everything, and when we 
do
take sighted assistance there is often a cost of some sort 
(monetary
cost, being a burden on others or giving up some of our freedom). 
So
to minimize these costs we figure out nonvisual ways to get 
things
done. That's it.

Arielle

On 5/27/13, Misty Dawn Bradley <mistydbradley at gmail.com> wrote:
 Arielle,
 I get those same comments about being "amazing" or "inspiring" 
also. I
 usually just respond by saying that I am a normal person who is 
just doing
 what they need to do in life. I try to explain also how I do it 
if there
 is
 time, but usually I do not know what to say either, so I just 
tell them
 that
 I just do what I need to do like other people do. A lot of 
sighted people
 tell me that they could never travel independently or do 
anything on their
 own if they were blind and that they would have someone doing 
everything
 for
 them all of the time. I just tell them that there are things in 
life that
 need to get done, such as grocery shopping, working, and many 
other daily
 things, and it is much easier and makes me feel more free and 
independent
 to
 do these things when I want to do them instead of always relying 
on
 everyone
 to take me or do it for me on their own time. I have a lot more 
freedom
 and
 flexibility that way. Sometimes, when I put it that way, they 
can
 understand
 somewhat what I mean, and they will tell me so.
 Misty

 ----- Original Message -----
 From: "Arielle Silverman" <arielle71 at gmail.com
 To: <jsoro620 at gmail.com>; "National Association of Blind 
Students mailing
 list" <nabs-l at nfbnet.org
 Sent: Monday, May 27, 2013 8:42 PM
 Subject: Re: [nabs-l] offensive questions


 Agreed. Unfortunately there are times when people ask questions 
out of
 doubt or sarcasm rather than out of true curiosity. They already
 believe we can't do something and answering their question about 
how
 we do it doesn't persuade them to give us a job, or a second 
date, or
 whatever. Sometimes it's hard to tell if a question is asked out 
of
 curiosity or if the questioner has already made up his/her mind.
 However, I do think we should give folks the benefit of the 
doubt and
 at least attempt to educate them the best we can. We don't want
 well-intentioned folks to feel they have to bottle their 
questions
 inside and never learn what they want to learn about blindness. 
I also
 agree that if a question crosses personal boundaries, such as a
 question about how we handle toilet matters, then it should be
 addressed more assertively. I have luckily not been asked any
 questions that I found to be rude or invasive, but I know others 
have
 at times.
 I don't mind answering (appropriate) questions at all, but I am 
always
 stumped when some stranger tells me I am
 amazing/brave/inspiring/courageous. I can never figure out how 
to
 respond in such a way that acknowledges their goodwill but also
 attempts to educate them about the fact I am not very amazing or 
brave
 just because I can walk somewhere by myself. I could just say 
"thank
 you" and move on, but I don't like doing that because I feel 
like by
 thanking them I am validating what they think about blind people 
being
 amazing for doing the simplest things. Sometimes I find myself 
just
 ignoring the comment because I don't know what to say. Other 
times I
 will attempt to briefly explain the relevant techniques that I 
use, if
 time allows and if they seem interested. How do you handle this?

 Arielle

 On 5/27/13, Joe <jsoro620 at gmail.com> wrote:
 Damn, this stupid JAWS thing isn't letting me respond to sender. 
LOL
 Just

 to
 chime in that I thought this was an excellent and well-written 
post. I'm
 sure you're a superb journalist.--Joe

 -----Original Message-----
 From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of The 
weird
 writer
 Sent: Saturday, May 25, 2013 1:40 AM
 To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
 Subject: [nabs-l] offensive questions

 The restaurant bustles with activity as my date and I sit 
opposite each
 other, talking about ourselves and what we do. To my immediate 
right, a
 woman is talking to her mom on her cell phone about the baseball 
game
 she
 missed. Different smells bounce off my nose as men and women 
pass us
 making
 their way to their tables. Dishes clatter in the kitchen behind 
me, and
 my
 date’s cologne, masked over with deodorant, sprays my sense of 
smell as
 I
 gaze towards his ebony accented voice. We’re chatting 
jovially, our
 laughter
 dicing holes in conversations around us, making people stop, 
and, I'm
 sure,
 stare at this interracial gay couple.

 When the dishes come, we get into the topic of careers. He's a 
teacher.
 With a mouth full, and hesitation dotting his syllables like 
rain, he
 asks
 me a very important question.

 “If you’re blind, how can you be a journalist?”

 Instantly the talons rise, and my fingers toy with the idea of 
creeping
 towards his throat. A dozen retorts bang into my head as if it 
were a
 chamber full of bullets, ready to blast this rude insensitive 
sighted
 person
 away. After a split second however, I suddenly realize that he's 
never
 seen
 adaptive technology, and he's never seen a Braille display, and 
he's
 certainly never seen a victor reader stream or a computer with a 
screen
 reader before. He's not in my world and he never was. Taking a 
deep
 breath,
 I explain how I'm a journalist when I'm blind, all with a huge 
smile on
 my
 face. The reason I choose to answer all his questions, and many 
others,
 instead of following my gut instinct to be sarcastic is, he may 
not be
 in

 my
 world, but I know he can be if I just teach him.

 Whenever I hang around blind people and we make jokes about 
speech
 synthesizers that sighted people wouldn't understand a sentence 
is
 uttered
 without fail. Sooner or later, we get to talking about sighted 
people
 and
 their lack of blindness knowledge. The words fly at me like 
sharp
 bullets
 that are not meant for me. They’re angry at the sighted people 
who ask
 us
 how we type on a computer. It's an angry question that's become 
a common
 one
 in the blindness community.

 “They should know better. Why are they so stupid?”

 When that's uttered, I immediately see things through the 
sighted point
 of
 view. The truth is, they won’t be an expert about blindness 
ways or
 technology. They shouldn’t know better because no one knows 
everything,
 especially about a different way of living. They shouldn’t 
know better.
 Instead, we have to get angry less, and educate more.

 Education is the key of knowledge that will turn itself, 
unlocking the
 right
 doors if the right direction is given. Among the disabled 
community who
 tend
 to get angry when they're asked to educate, this applies to 
people with
 HIV
 and aids as well.

 I've seen countless instances where someone with HIV or AIDS 
gets
 offended
 when a potential partner asks him if he will contract if they 
exchange
 saliva. The contracted person became offended, and stormed off, 
hurt.
 Upon
 further investigation, I learned that his date didn't even know 
what HIV
 did. He didn't even know that it didn't have a cure.

 A lot of people say ignorance is bliss, but it's also a divider. 
Even
 today,
 the biggest hurtle that we all have to overcome is inclusion and
 acceptance,
 even among the gay community, disabled community, and HIV 
community. In
 today's day and age, just simple curiosity could ruin a good 
friendship
 or
 relationship because of “offensive questions.” That divide 
grows because
 we
 are easily offended at the questions we asked ourselves at one 
point.

 When I was learning the bus route for my daily commutes, I 
wondered if
 it
 would even work, me having to travel on the bus for field 
reporting.
 I've asked the same question as my restaurant date. “How am I 
going to
 be

 a
 journalist?” with patience, and persistence, I figured out the 
answers
 with
 trial and error and learning from my own past mistakes. If I 
would have
 let
 my own question offend me then I wouldn't have figured out the 
answer.

 I don't have HIV but I had to ask the above question in order to 
find
 out
 that you can't get HIV from a small exchange of saliva. I know 
now how
 to
 better do my job as a blind journalist because I had to find an 
answer.
 I
 couldn't let those two questions go unanswered. If I did, then 
how
 blissful
 would I be, ignorant about knowledge that would help someone 
else as
 well

 as
 me in the future.

 I don't think anyone should remain in the dark if I have an 
answer to a
 question. Answers, with all their simplicity sprinkle awareness 
along
 with
 their validity. Not far behind awareness comes understanding, 
and soon,
 acceptance. An answer to a seemingly offensive question doesn't 
just
 satisfy
 curiosity but it opens up a door to understand. There are a lot 
of other
 positive things behind that door even if they’re not visible
 immediately.
 Some effects are immediate, such as inclusion, and others are 
far off,
 such
 as advocacy born from awareness.

 When I look around and see a world that's divided as it is, I 
don’t want
 to
 divide it even more just because someone asks me how I use a 
computer.
 If
 education breeds positive results then people who live in 
different
 conditions should educate others how they do it. it's the only 
way to
 end
 these “offensive questions.”

 The goal of inclusion is to do just that, include. My sighted 
date lives
 in
 an ethnic world I'll never completely understand because I've 
never
 lived
 through the discriminatory history but I can ask questions, and 
with
 each
 answer, I'm no longer on the outside anymore. We’re together.
 With every answer I give about my adaptive life, we’re coming 
together
 in

 a
 way that offended people won’t be able to do for a very long 
time.
 He understands me now and that's the most valuable education I 
could
 ever
 give.

 If people really want to have us unite to stand for a positive 
voice
 then

 we
 can't widen the distance because we’re offended at questions.
 Instead, we should open our world to people and share as much as 
we can,
 if
 asked. If we keep doing that I know that the door will open wide 
enough
 to
 let all of us through to a better world, a world where we all 
know each
 other, stand for one another, and unite for equality and embrace 
the
 best
 teacher of all, differences. That would make a beautifully 
educated
 world,
 one where I’d be happy to say that this positive change was 
the result
 of
 answering offensive questions.

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