[nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

[Melissa Hambleton]

First thing to remember is that you can't change how your mother thinks or feels, she has to change those things herself if some day she is willing to do so.

Now, either your mother may be over protective and says such things to discourage you from doing things more independently so that you will always be around or, she still lacks knowledge of what low vision and blind people can do for themselves. It doesn't matter if you got involved with braille or O&M and things like that, you got those resources and help from other people and not your mother directly so, she doesn't have that experience firsthand of what is possible for those who cannot see. 

Only you know how she will act/react to what you do and the things you try and discuss with her and you have some choices to make. You can come out and tell your mother what your plans are and try and express that you know that both of you don't agree on what you will do or you can let your mother hold you back and you will not progress. Try and come across to your mother in a positive way and mention positive things you will be able to do and accomplish and what your goals are. Try and stay away from blaming your mother of how she doesn't support you and how she has handled things in the past, this will only make her more defensive and more likely she will say negative things that will only make things worse between the both of you. 

The bad side is that you may have to live with hearing such things from your mother and you just need to tell yourself that you "can" do this or that and you will move forward in life and progress. Perhaps in time your mother will come around when she sees you being more independent or maybe she will not but, who is the one who needs to benefit right now with learning more independence and other skills? You do and not your mother. You know what you want to learn so that is a goal...so go out and manifest what you want by learning more skills and becoming more independent. Your mother is the one who has to learn other skills on her own, by owning up to her being non-supportive over overly protective in a very negative way--being protective is fine but, everything has a negative side too it when a person lets it go to an extreme level. Your mother will need to learn to be support and you not teach her that part...that will be her learning process if she chooses to do so.

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ashley Bramlett
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 2:35 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Hi all,

I am going to mainly vent here. Although I may not attend a nfb center, I feel I should go for some training or get in house training from the lighthouse.

I want training tailored to the classes I need without sleepshades and nfb centers have you take everything.

Anyway, I’m very hurt that my mom won’t support training.
For those who did not read much from me before, I’ll say I grew up in a middle class family; pretty in tact. While I did receive fairly good academic support to learn braille, large print, how to label and organize papers, use a talking calculator, and even some jaws training, I did not receive much training in regard to living skills.
I did receive traditional O&M but did get much better O&M training as an adult from our state agency.
My vr agency instructor taught me in some what of a discovery fashion and she encouraged exploration and had me plan routes.
She taught me about our metro system too.

I do have basic living skills from learning via a rehab teacher who came to our home and attending our state center. but I did not get everything at the state center as ADL was only twice a week.

So, when possibly going to WSB for the IRS program came up, mom was negative saying no way I cannot live on my own and how I don’t try anything.
She never says anything positive to move forward. I don’t like the idea of WSB but it was brought up with my new counselor.

She doesn’t support training. She blames me. I’m so tired and hurt she keeps bllaming me. Okay, I cannot simply read a recipe and cook. you have to know how to cut vegies better than I do. You have to know how to measure well and cook meat.
I’ve seen recipies and I don’t understand the lingo.

She says things like
“oh, you don’t need training you had enough. You  just need to try things. You’re here often and don’t do much.” I say I do and I do my laundry and make sandwiches for instance. I said I looked for work myself.
I have used and tried to be actuve with the skills I have.
“Why don’t you look around the kitchen and get recipies and try to cook? you just aren’t adventurous. You should do more.”

I tell her I don’t know how. she just fails to get it. I am not lazy. I’m fairly resourceful; I even taught myself some stuff on the computer. those fs webinars are helpful.
When I was on my own in college, I did explore the area and went to a few malls on my own. My parents wouldn’t support that except for going to the mall where my gym is since they know I had a little orientation to it and I know its layout mostly. So I did use my O&M skills.
When I suggest going places, it seems I often hear from mom, I’ll be lost and no way I could find my way. Okay, I cannot do outside safely, but indoors there should be no excuse; there are people to gather directions from, and walls around so you can only go so far astray.
Thing is my mother is the least supportive person. Never has she showed me to make a dish and she did not even teach me to tie my shoes. My TVI did the shoe thing. Never has she tried to help me much learn anything. Well, she did not help my brothers much but they can see others do it via tv or something.

I’m so tired she blames me when she is the big problem and then to say I don’t need more training is worse. Its like to her, I’m a lost case, and even if I’m trained I won’t learn and won’t try. Not true at all. I’ve used a lot of skills I learned. 

It is just so amazing my mom won’t support my independence and feels I’m incapable of it. I guess I’ll someday move and prove her otherwise.

Ashley
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