[nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Thu Apr 24 20:04:00 UTC 2014

Melissa,
Right. my mom is protective alright. I
think this is part of her negativity. She never remembers the various good 
things I do but every time something goes wrong like if I spill something 
like jelly when I was spreading it on a sandwich, she will comment, oh, how 
can you live on your own, you always make messes.
Well, this is a very exaggeration and what about the hundreds of times I 
make a sandwich  and nothing happens. Its rediculous.

Its just hard to be an adult and hear I fail to try stuff when really I 
cannot do it without the knowledge. I do what I can myself now though.
It seems like she should try to help me with independence if she supported 
it; sure she has no adaptive training but she could show me hand over hand. 
my dad shows me things a lot and I help him with the dishes sometimes.
He and I have made a few things together like salad and breakfast food, but 
he's no cook. if he can do it, it seems like mom could if she wanted to.

Yes I cannot change her. I guess I need to remember that and just move 
forward with out her support. If I opt to attend training, and she is still 
negative, I'll somehow move out; maybe find a cheap room; I won't be able to 
afford an apartment without a job, but maybe a room or something where I 
share a place.
Something has to change.

Thanks for the advice.
Ashley
-----Original Message----- 
From: Melissa Hambleton
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 3:33 PM
To: 'National Association of Blind Students mailing list'
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

First thing to remember is that you can't change how your mother thinks or 
feels, she has to change those things herself if some day she is willing to 
do so.

Now, either your mother may be over protective and says such things to 
discourage you from doing things more independently so that you will always 
be around or, she still lacks knowledge of what low vision and blind people 
can do for themselves. It doesn't matter if you got involved with braille or 
O&M and things like that, you got those resources and help from other people 
and not your mother directly so, she doesn't have that experience firsthand 
of what is possible for those who cannot see.

Only you know how she will act/react to what you do and the things you try 
and discuss with her and you have some choices to make. You can come out and 
tell your mother what your plans are and try and express that you know that 
both of you don't agree on what you will do or you can let your mother hold 
you back and you will not progress. Try and come across to your mother in a 
positive way and mention positive things you will be able to do and 
accomplish and what your goals are. Try and stay away from blaming your 
mother of how she doesn't support you and how she has handled things in the 
past, this will only make her more defensive and more likely she will say 
negative things that will only make things worse between the both of you.

The bad side is that you may have to live with hearing such things from your 
mother and you just need to tell yourself that you "can" do this or that and 
you will move forward in life and progress. Perhaps in time your mother will 
come around when she sees you being more independent or maybe she will not 
but, who is the one who needs to benefit right now with learning more 
independence and other skills? You do and not your mother. You know what you 
want to learn so that is a goal...so go out and manifest what you want by 
learning more skills and becoming more independent. Your mother is the one 
who has to learn other skills on her own, by owning up to her being 
non-supportive over overly protective in a very negative way--being 
protective is fine but, everything has a negative side too it when a person 
lets it go to an extreme level. Your mother will need to learn to be support 
and you not teach her that part...that will be her learning process if she 
chooses to do so.

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Ashley Bramlett
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 2:35 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Hi all,

I am going to mainly vent here. Although I may not attend a nfb center, I 
feel I should go for some training or get in house training from the 
lighthouse.

I want training tailored to the classes I need without sleepshades and nfb 
centers have you take everything.

Anyway, I’m very hurt that my mom won’t support training.
For those who did not read much from me before, I’ll say I grew up in a 
middle class family; pretty in tact. While I did receive fairly good 
academic support to learn braille, large print, how to label and organize 
papers, use a talking calculator, and even some jaws training, I did not 
receive much training in regard to living skills.
I did receive traditional O&M but did get much better O&M training as an 
adult from our state agency.
My vr agency instructor taught me in some what of a discovery fashion and 
she encouraged exploration and had me plan routes.
She taught me about our metro system too.

I do have basic living skills from learning via a rehab teacher who came to 
our home and attending our state center. but I did not get everything at the 
state center as ADL was only twice a week.

So, when possibly going to WSB for the IRS program came up, mom was negative 
saying no way I cannot live on my own and how I don’t try anything.
She never says anything positive to move forward. I don’t like the idea of 
WSB but it was brought up with my new counselor.

She doesn’t support training. She blames me. I’m so tired and hurt she keeps 
bllaming me. Okay, I cannot simply read a recipe and cook. you have to know 
how to cut vegies better than I do. You have to know how to measure well and 
cook meat.
I’ve seen recipies and I don’t understand the lingo.

She says things like
“oh, you don’t need training you had enough. You  just need to try things. 
You’re here often and don’t do much.” I say I do and I do my laundry and 
make sandwiches for instance. I said I looked for work myself.
I have used and tried to be actuve with the skills I have.
“Why don’t you look around the kitchen and get recipies and try to cook? you 
just aren’t adventurous. You should do more.”

I tell her I don’t know how. she just fails to get it. I am not lazy. I’m 
fairly resourceful; I even taught myself some stuff on the computer. those 
fs webinars are helpful.
When I was on my own in college, I did explore the area and went to a few 
malls on my own. My parents wouldn’t support that except for going to the 
mall where my gym is since they know I had a little orientation to it and I 
know its layout mostly. So I did use my O&M skills.
When I suggest going places, it seems I often hear from mom, I’ll be lost 
and no way I could find my way. Okay, I cannot do outside safely, but 
indoors there should be no excuse; there are people to gather directions 
from, and walls around so you can only go so far astray.
Thing is my mother is the least supportive person. Never has she showed me 
to make a dish and she did not even teach me to tie my shoes. My TVI did the 
shoe thing. Never has she tried to help me much learn anything. Well, she 
did not help my brothers much but they can see others do it via tv or 
something.

I’m so tired she blames me when she is the big problem and then to say I don’t 
need more training is worse. Its like to her, I’m a lost case, and even if I’m 
trained I won’t learn and won’t try. Not true at all. I’ve used a lot of 
skills I learned.

It is just so amazing my mom won’t support my independence and feels I’m 
incapable of it. I guess I’ll someday move and prove her otherwise.

Ashley
_______________________________________________
nabs-l mailing list
nabs-l at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
nabs-l:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/nightfury19%40verizon.net

_______________________________________________
nabs-l mailing list
nabs-l at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nabs-l_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
nabs-l:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nabs-l_nfbnet.org/bookwormahb%40earthlink.net 