[nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Fri Apr 25 02:05:05 UTC 2014

Hello Arielle,

A great post! I do not think I could have said it any better than what you wrote. I think you really hit the nail on the head with this one. It seems to explain everything rather nicely.

Warm regards,
Elizabeth

> Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2014 19:20:41 -0600
> From: arielle71 at gmail.com
> To: nabs-l at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words
> 
> Hi Ashley,
> 
> First, I think you have already received quite a bit of training. You
> could probably benefit from getting more, but I think it's important
> to ensure that whatever new training you get is actually
> higher-quality than the training you have already received. I am
> pretty sure that WSB would be a step backward in this regard. The NFB
> centers, however, could give you more rigorous training than what you
> have already gotten. Even just working informally with another blind
> person would probably advance your skills.
> Have you thought about going to an NFB center just for a brief test
> run? You could go for a month and, if you don't like it, leave at the
> end of the month. You don't have to make a commitment to the center
> when you first arrive.
> 
> Second, while I don't agree with your mom's approach, I do think she
> is right that even the best training can only go so far. Eventually
> all of us need to be in the real world using our skills to solve
> everyday problems in order for those skills to really be effective. I
> believe that for many blind adults, living under the roof of a sighted
> parent can be extremely restrictive and prevent skills from naturally
> developing. Even if that parent is very supportive and empowering, at
> the end of the day the parent is still putting food on the table,
> still available to provide travel assistance, etc. One can learn a
> tremendous amount just by living independently and having to figure
> out the best way to meet one's real needs. I suspect that you already
> know a lot more than you think about how to care for yourself. But you
> won't find out how much you know until you are able to put that
> knowledge into action.
> 
> The NFB centers are great because they provide both training and
> real-world experience living away from family.
> Again, I am starting to think that living at home with sighted parents
> is one of the worst places for a young blind adult to be. Keep in mind
> that it's hard for any parent to think of the baby they nursed and
> diapered as a real mature adult. Then add on top of that the fact that
> most sighted people really don't get blindness at all or truly
> understand how we do things, and the result is that we have parents
> who will always infantilize us on some level. Even in the best
> possible situation, it can be incredibly difficult for a blind adult
> to explore real self-sufficiency while under a parent's control. Then,
> add to that any normal human failings, prejudices or challenges your
> parents may have, financial challenges, marital stress, etc. and it
> can be a pretty crappy situation. And then finally, it seems like most
> sighted couples our parents' age tend to live in places with terrible
> public transportation. This means the blind adult living at home is
> struggling to get to job interviews and other career-related
> activities and often has to rely on the aforementioned infantilizing
> parents for basic necessities. Am I exaggerating here or does this
> sound about right to those of you living at home? I seriously wonder
> if VR could improve their success rate if they helped subsidize rent
> for young blind clients so they can live on their own in places with
> good transit and natural opportunities to develop confidence and
> self-reliance.
> I moved into the dorms when I was 18 and only came home for summers
> and breaks during college, and then as soon as I graduated I went to
> LCB and then to Boulder. I can't imagine myself ever moving back for
> any extended period of time. My parents and I get along fairly well,
> but even when I just visit them for a few days, my self-confidence and
> independence always takes a hit. It's clear to me that on some level,
> no matter how much education I get or how prestigious of a job I have,
> they will always see me as lacking in basic agency or awareness of the
> world around me because I can't see. I never really had
> age-appropriate opportunities to learn about life or to expand my
> skills until I was out of their house. Again, I love and respect my
> parents a lot and think they're great people, but the dynamic between
> them and me just isn't one to support my independence. I also have a
> few different blind friends who have successfully moved out and I can
> see the difference in their confidence and the things they are doing
> with their lives.
> I know money is a huge obstacle for many of us, but remember that the
> NFB centers are fully paid for by rehab, giving you an opportunity to
> live rent-free away from home for up to nine months while also
> receiving excellent training you can translate into a job. And, you
> can often find relatively inexpensive room-sharing options. I guess
> the first step is just to recognize that you are not only capable of
> living on your own, but I think you are entitled to the self-respect
> and independence it can give you, regardless of what anybody else
> thinks.
> 
> Best,
> Arielle
> 
> On 4/24/14, Hope Paulos <hope.paulos at gmail.com> wrote:
> > I would tell her you want to go to a mall and show her what you can do. As
> > far as WSB, they will teach you daily living skills  before the IRS program
> > I believe.
> > You just need to show your Mom you can do these things.
> > I wish you all the best.
> >
> >
> > Hope Paulos
> >
> >> On Apr 24, 2014, at 8:14 PM, anjelinac at att.net wrote:
> >>
> >> Hi all, I don't think anyone has ever advocated to "screw what your
> >> parents say "and do whatever you want. There does come a point however
> >> where as adults we have to start start taking responsibility for our
> >> actions and our lives.
> >> If you wanted to go to training center and you needed assistance say in an
> >> airport there always people there who can help you. The training center is
> >> also not expecting that you're calling to come in with excellent skills.
> >>
> >> Sent from my iPhone
> >>
> >>> On Apr 24, 2014, at 5:58 PM, "justin williams"
> >>> <justin.williams2 at gmail.com> wrote:
> >>>
> >>> Where there is a will, there is a way.
> >>>
> >>> -----Original Message-----
> >>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Andy
> >>> Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 5:51 PM
> >>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
> >>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative
> >>> words
> >>>
> >>> Honestly, I'm in the same boat as Ashley, except I'm in college.  To
> >>> those
> >>> that say to basically screw what your parents tell you, get training
> >>> anyway,
> >>> I 100% agree.  Problem is, how to get to an NFB center?  You'd probably
> >>> need
> >>> to fly (I would, at least), and having basically no orientation and
> >>> mobility
> >>> skills, I would need their help to get there.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>> On 4/24/14, anjelinac at att.net <anjelinac at att.net> wrote:
> >>>> Hi Ashley, as many other people have said it is  up  to  your mom to
> >>>> change her attitude and perceptions on blindness. All you can do is
> >>>> work on yourself and give yourself the opportunities you need and
> >>>> deserve. I think the benefit of and Nfb training center is that you
> >>>> have to take all the classes. The classes can be geared toward your
> >>>> skills and abilities, but being able to increase your skills is just
> >>>> as good as being able to learn new skills.
> >>>>
> >>>> Sent from my iPhone
> >>>>
> >>>>> On Apr 24, 2014, at 2:35 PM, "Ashley Bramlett"
> >>>>> <bookwormahb at earthlink.net>
> >>>>> wrote:
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Hi all,
> >>>>>
> >>>>> I am going to mainly vent here. Although I may not attend a nfb
> >>>>> center, I feel I should go for some training or get in house training
> >>>>> from the lighthouse.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> I want training tailored to the classes I need without sleepshades
> >>>>> and nfb centers have you take everything.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Anyway, I'm very hurt that my mom won't support training.
> >>>>> For those who did not read much from me before, I'll say I grew up in
> >>>>> a middle class family; pretty in tact. While I did receive fairly
> >>>>> good academic support to learn braille, large print, how to label and
> >>>>> organize papers, use a talking calculator, and even some jaws
> >>>>> training, I did not receive much training in regard to living skills.
> >>>>> I did receive traditional O&M but did get much better O&M training as
> >>>>> an adult from our state agency.
> >>>>> My vr agency instructor taught me in some what of a discovery fashion
> >>>>> and she encouraged exploration and had me plan routes.
> >>>>> She taught me about our metro system too.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> I do have basic living skills from learning via a rehab teacher who
> >>>>> came to our home and attending our state center. but I did not get
> >>>>> everything at the state center as ADL was only twice a week.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> So, when possibly going to WSB for the IRS program came up, mom was
> >>>>> negative saying no way I cannot live on my own and how I don't try
> >>>>> anything.
> >>>>> She never says anything positive to move forward. I don't like the
> >>>>> idea of WSB but it was brought up with my new counselor.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> She doesn't support training. She blames me. I'm so tired and hurt
> >>>>> she keeps bllaming me. Okay, I cannot simply read a recipe and cook.
> >>>>> you have to know how to cut vegies better than I do. You have to know
> >>>>> how to measure well and cook meat.
> >>>>> I've seen recipies and I don't understand the lingo.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> She says things like
> >>>>> "oh, you don't need training you had enough. You  just need to try
> >>> things.
> >>>>> You're here often and don't do much." I say I do and I do my laundry
> >>>>> and make sandwiches for instance. I said I looked for work myself.
> >>>>> I have used and tried to be actuve with the skills I have.
> >>>>> "Why don't you look around the kitchen and get recipies and try to
> >>>>> cook?
> >>>>> you just aren't adventurous. You should do more."
> >>>>>
> >>>>> I tell her I don't know how. she just fails to get it. I am not lazy.
> >>>>> I'm fairly resourceful; I even taught myself some stuff on the
> >>>>> computer. those fs webinars are helpful.
> >>>>> When I was on my own in college, I did explore the area and went to a
> >>>>> few malls on my own. My parents wouldn't support that except for
> >>>>> going to the mall where my gym is since they know I had a little
> >>>>> orientation to it and I know its layout mostly. So I did use my O&M
> >>> skills.
> >>>>> When I suggest going places, it seems I often hear from mom, I'll be
> >>>>> lost and no way I could find my way. Okay, I cannot do outside
> >>>>> safely, but indoors there should be no excuse; there are people to
> >>>>> gather directions from, and walls around so you can only go so far
> >>> astray.
> >>>>> Thing is my mother is the least supportive person. Never has she
> >>>>> showed me to make a dish and she did not even teach me to tie my
> >>>>> shoes. My TVI did the shoe thing. Never has she tried to help me much
> >>>>> learn anything. Well, she did not help my brothers much but they can
> >>>>> see others do it via tv or something.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> I'm so tired she blames me when she is the big problem and then to
> >>>>> say I don't need more training is worse. Its like to her, I'm a lost
> >>>>> case, and even if I'm trained I won't learn and won't try. Not true
> >>>>> at all. I've used a lot of skills I learned.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> It is just so amazing my mom won't support my independence and feels
> >>>>> I'm incapable of it. I guess I'll someday move and prove her
> >>>>> otherwise.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Ashley
> >>>>> _______________________________________________
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