[nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Fri Apr 25 03:39:02 UTC 2014

Arielle,

Thanks. I think your post raises some good points  and I do agree that 
parents can be protective coupled with the fact that yes indeed
the transportation is a lot to be desired where sighted couples tend to 
live. We live in suburbs. The metro subway is extending near us but still I 
would need a cab; its approx 3 miles to the new metro so I need a ride via 
cab or family to get there. Still it will augment my travel options once its 
here in about four months.
This I really look forward to because it knocks out one of the biggest 
excuses for not using the rail system more; its inconvenient to get there 
having to  not only attempt to park in the crowded lot, but also take like 
25 minutes to get there.

I have access to paratransit now which I sometimes use like to get to the 
mall I know where my gym is.
You're right that only training can go so far and I  do agree that you have 
to experiment some, but still if you don't have a basis for recipe language 
or you cannot tell when your meat is cooked, you don't  have a safe or 
adaquate foundation to cook.

As for my mom, she is overprotective and overlooks skills  I need. I'll 
never change her mind so I guess I should just learn what I can and go on.
I'll just try and ignore the negativity rather than argue.

I totally feel what you're saying about jobs. When I sought internships, I 
came back home from the freedom I had in the dorm setting.
Here I relied on my parents for transit to the job interviews and even to 
work in the morning but did use the metro to go part way home and got a ride 
from the metro.
Since they really did not want to fight rush hour traffic on a huge busy 
road we nick name the belt way around here, I was easily able to advocate to 
them I'd do the metro route fine and since it required little outdoor 
travel, I think
even my mom was okay with it.

I also relied on them for basic necessities like any college student would; 
I did not have the money to buy my own work clothes or buy my metro fares. 
So, they had to support me  in my work related expenses in terms of dressing 
and transit. I am actually pretty grateful since my dad did support me also 
in filling out paperwork for my federal internships. I had to have a scribe 
as there was no way
to do it otherwise. This also helped me in a way for the rest of the summer 
to have income and when in school, I had extra money to do as I pleased.
You also implied that many young blind adults may find their independence 
being curtailed between college and work, and I agree.
Its unfortunate that not all parents show us things and embrace the 
abilities of blind people. They equate lack of sight with lack of ability, 
and perhaps there is no way to change this.

I'm glad you had a plan that worked for you and I think you have a job now 
which is excellent given our economy.
Well, nice food for thought.
Oh, rent being paid for by rehab, a pipe dream.
Ashley
Ashley
-----Original Message----- 
From: Arielle Silverman
Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 9:20 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative words

Hi Ashley,

First, I think you have already received quite a bit of training. You
could probably benefit from getting more, but I think it's important
to ensure that whatever new training you get is actually
higher-quality than the training you have already received. I am
pretty sure that WSB would be a step backward in this regard. The NFB
centers, however, could give you more rigorous training than what you
have already gotten. Even just working informally with another blind
person would probably advance your skills.
Have you thought about going to an NFB center just for a brief test
run? You could go for a month and, if you don't like it, leave at the
end of the month. You don't have to make a commitment to the center
when you first arrive.

Second, while I don't agree with your mom's approach, I do think she
is right that even the best training can only go so far. Eventually
all of us need to be in the real world using our skills to solve
everyday problems in order for those skills to really be effective. I
believe that for many blind adults, living under the roof of a sighted
parent can be extremely restrictive and prevent skills from naturally
developing. Even if that parent is very supportive and empowering, at
the end of the day the parent is still putting food on the table,
still available to provide travel assistance, etc. One can learn a
tremendous amount just by living independently and having to figure
out the best way to meet one's real needs. I suspect that you already
know a lot more than you think about how to care for yourself. But you
won't find out how much you know until you are able to put that
knowledge into action.

The NFB centers are great because they provide both training and
real-world experience living away from family.
Again, I am starting to think that living at home with sighted parents
is one of the worst places for a young blind adult to be. Keep in mind
that it's hard for any parent to think of the baby they nursed and
diapered as a real mature adult. Then add on top of that the fact that
most sighted people really don't get blindness at all or truly
understand how we do things, and the result is that we have parents
who will always infantilize us on some level. Even in the best
possible situation, it can be incredibly difficult for a blind adult
to explore real self-sufficiency while under a parent's control. Then,
add to that any normal human failings, prejudices or challenges your
parents may have, financial challenges, marital stress, etc. and it
can be a pretty crappy situation. And then finally, it seems like most
sighted couples our parents' age tend to live in places with terrible
public transportation. This means the blind adult living at home is
struggling to get to job interviews and other career-related
activities and often has to rely on the aforementioned infantilizing
parents for basic necessities. Am I exaggerating here or does this
sound about right to those of you living at home? I seriously wonder
if VR could improve their success rate if they helped subsidize rent
for young blind clients so they can live on their own in places with
good transit and natural opportunities to develop confidence and
self-reliance.
I moved into the dorms when I was 18 and only came home for summers
and breaks during college, and then as soon as I graduated I went to
LCB and then to Boulder. I can't imagine myself ever moving back for
any extended period of time. My parents and I get along fairly well,
but even when I just visit them for a few days, my self-confidence and
independence always takes a hit. It's clear to me that on some level,
no matter how much education I get or how prestigious of a job I have,
they will always see me as lacking in basic agency or awareness of the
world around me because I can't see. I never really had
age-appropriate opportunities to learn about life or to expand my
skills until I was out of their house. Again, I love and respect my
parents a lot and think they're great people, but the dynamic between
them and me just isn't one to support my independence. I also have a
few different blind friends who have successfully moved out and I can
see the difference in their confidence and the things they are doing
with their lives.
I know money is a huge obstacle for many of us, but remember that the
NFB centers are fully paid for by rehab, giving you an opportunity to
live rent-free away from home for up to nine months while also
receiving excellent training you can translate into a job. And, you
can often find relatively inexpensive room-sharing options. I guess
the first step is just to recognize that you are not only capable of
living on your own, but I think you are entitled to the self-respect
and independence it can give you, regardless of what anybody else
thinks.

Best,
Arielle

On 4/24/14, Hope Paulos <hope.paulos at gmail.com> wrote:
> I would tell her you want to go to a mall and show her what you can do. As
> far as WSB, they will teach you daily living skills  before the IRS 
> program
> I believe.
> You just need to show your Mom you can do these things.
> I wish you all the best.
>
>
> Hope Paulos
>
>> On Apr 24, 2014, at 8:14 PM, anjelinac at att.net wrote:
>>
>> Hi all, I don't think anyone has ever advocated to "screw what your
>> parents say "and do whatever you want. There does come a point however
>> where as adults we have to start start taking responsibility for our
>> actions and our lives.
>> If you wanted to go to training center and you needed assistance say in 
>> an
>> airport there always people there who can help you. The training center 
>> is
>> also not expecting that you're calling to come in with excellent skills.
>>
>> Sent from my iPhone
>>
>>> On Apr 24, 2014, at 5:58 PM, "justin williams"
>>> <justin.williams2 at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>> Where there is a will, there is a way.
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Andy
>>> Sent: Thursday, April 24, 2014 5:51 PM
>>> To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list
>>> Subject: Re: [nabs-l] living skills, unsupportive family and negative
>>> words
>>>
>>> Honestly, I'm in the same boat as Ashley, except I'm in college.  To
>>> those
>>> that say to basically screw what your parents tell you, get training
>>> anyway,
>>> I 100% agree.  Problem is, how to get to an NFB center?  You'd probably
>>> need
>>> to fly (I would, at least), and having basically no orientation and
>>> mobility
>>> skills, I would need their help to get there.
>>>
>>>
>>>> On 4/24/14, anjelinac at att.net <anjelinac at att.net> wrote:
>>>> Hi Ashley, as many other people have said it is  up  to  your mom to
>>>> change her attitude and perceptions on blindness. All you can do is
>>>> work on yourself and give yourself the opportunities you need and
>>>> deserve. I think the benefit of and Nfb training center is that you
>>>> have to take all the classes. The classes can be geared toward your
>>>> skills and abilities, but being able to increase your skills is just
>>>> as good as being able to learn new skills.
>>>>
>>>> Sent from my iPhone
>>>>
>>>>> On Apr 24, 2014, at 2:35 PM, "Ashley Bramlett"
>>>>> <bookwormahb at earthlink.net>
>>>>> wrote:
>>>>>
>>>>> Hi all,
>>>>>
>>>>> I am going to mainly vent here. Although I may not attend a nfb
>>>>> center, I feel I should go for some training or get in house training
>>>>> from the lighthouse.
>>>>>
>>>>> I want training tailored to the classes I need without sleepshades
>>>>> and nfb centers have you take everything.
>>>>>
>>>>> Anyway, I'm very hurt that my mom won't support training.
>>>>> For those who did not read much from me before, I'll say I grew up in
>>>>> a middle class family; pretty in tact. While I did receive fairly
>>>>> good academic support to learn braille, large print, how to label and
>>>>> organize papers, use a talking calculator, and even some jaws
>>>>> training, I did not receive much training in regard to living skills.
>>>>> I did receive traditional O&M but did get much better O&M training as
>>>>> an adult from our state agency.
>>>>> My vr agency instructor taught me in some what of a discovery fashion
>>>>> and she encouraged exploration and had me plan routes.
>>>>> She taught me about our metro system too.
>>>>>
>>>>> I do have basic living skills from learning via a rehab teacher who
>>>>> came to our home and attending our state center. but I did not get
>>>>> everything at the state center as ADL was only twice a week.
>>>>>
>>>>> So, when possibly going to WSB for the IRS program came up, mom was
>>>>> negative saying no way I cannot live on my own and how I don't try
>>>>> anything.
>>>>> She never says anything positive to move forward. I don't like the
>>>>> idea of WSB but it was brought up with my new counselor.
>>>>>
>>>>> She doesn't support training. She blames me. I'm so tired and hurt
>>>>> she keeps bllaming me. Okay, I cannot simply read a recipe and cook.
>>>>> you have to know how to cut vegies better than I do. You have to know
>>>>> how to measure well and cook meat.
>>>>> I've seen recipies and I don't understand the lingo.
>>>>>
>>>>> She says things like
>>>>> "oh, you don't need training you had enough. You  just need to try
>>> things.
>>>>> You're here often and don't do much." I say I do and I do my laundry
>>>>> and make sandwiches for instance. I said I looked for work myself.
>>>>> I have used and tried to be actuve with the skills I have.
>>>>> "Why don't you look around the kitchen and get recipies and try to
>>>>> cook?
>>>>> you just aren't adventurous. You should do more."
>>>>>
>>>>> I tell her I don't know how. she just fails to get it. I am not lazy.
>>>>> I'm fairly resourceful; I even taught myself some stuff on the
>>>>> computer. those fs webinars are helpful.
>>>>> When I was on my own in college, I did explore the area and went to a
>>>>> few malls on my own. My parents wouldn't support that except for
>>>>> going to the mall where my gym is since they know I had a little
>>>>> orientation to it and I know its layout mostly. So I did use my O&M
>>> skills.
>>>>> When I suggest going places, it seems I often hear from mom, I'll be
>>>>> lost and no way I could find my way. Okay, I cannot do outside
>>>>> safely, but indoors there should be no excuse; there are people to
>>>>> gather directions from, and walls around so you can only go so far
>>> astray.
>>>>> Thing is my mother is the least supportive person. Never has she
>>>>> showed me to make a dish and she did not even teach me to tie my
>>>>> shoes. My TVI did the shoe thing. Never has she tried to help me much
>>>>> learn anything. Well, she did not help my brothers much but they can
>>>>> see others do it via tv or something.
>>>>>
>>>>> I'm so tired she blames me when she is the big problem and then to
>>>>> say I don't need more training is worse. Its like to her, I'm a lost
>>>>> case, and even if I'm trained I won't learn and won't try. Not true
>>>>> at all. I've used a lot of skills I learned.
>>>>>
>>>>> It is just so amazing my mom won't support my independence and feels
>>>>> I'm incapable of it. I guess I'll someday move and prove her
>>>>> otherwise.
>>>>>
>>>>> Ashley
>>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>>> et
>>>>
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