[nabs-l] Independence and courtesy

Thu Mar 6 02:56:17 UTC 2014

Hi Joe,

I liked your blog post for the most part, but there was something in
there that puzzled me, as it sounded like a bit of a contradiction.
You say that you'd like it if people offered you front seats on the
bus because you are blind, yet admit that you would turn the offer
down. You also make a statement to the effect that if you were sighted
you would offer such special treatment to a blind person.
I question, What is the logic behind advocating special courtesies for
blind people that aren't extended to the sighted? Why should a blind
person be offered preferential seating or a discount as a courtesy
that is not offered to everyone else? Am I missing something? Is
receiving a seat near the door something that addresses
blindness-related needs? Perhaps it is something about being a guide
dog traveler?
While I sometimes take the seat near the door on a bus, it's usually
because I don't want to hold up the bus while I search for a back
seat. If someone wants to be courteous, I'd rather them verbally point
out empty seats to me rather than giving up their seats for me.
Nor do I expect a man to give me a seat because I am female. In fact,
I'd find such treatment insulting.

I appreciate when people offer me courtesies that they would offer
anyone, such as holding the door open. I also like it when people
offer courtesies that address my access needs, like describing visual
things to me. I don't like it when people presume needs I don't have,
such as presuming I can't stand on a crowded bus. If people have
questions about how far my blindness affects my abilities, I'd rather
they ask than assume. I don't consider such assumptions about my
preferences based on my blindness, or my gender for that matter, to be
courtesies.

Best,
Arielle

On 3/5/14, Anjelina <anjelinac26 at gmail.com> wrote:
> Arielle,
> I hope you are archiving your wisdom for a book in the near future! I can't
> add much to your well-written message except I went through similar
> experiences. In my IEP had goals like I had to talk to so many people a day
> since I was a more interverted person.
> Social skills are wonderful and helpful, but real authentic friendships
> which are meaningful friendships are most important.
>
>
> -Anjelina
> Sent from my iPad
>
>> On Mar 5, 2014, at 12:22 AM, Arielle Silverman <arielle71 at gmail.com>
>> wrote:
>>
>> Hi all,
>>
>> OK. Since it was brought up here, I feel compelled to share some of my
>> experiences and controversial views on how blind people should learn
>> social skills. Some of you have heard this rant before in part, but I
>> think it is important enough to bear repeating every few years. I
>> guess I'm also curious if any of you have had similar experiences
>> growing up or if the things I am about to advocate make any sense to
>> others besides me.
>>
>> I have been blind my whole life and I was always an introverted
>> person. As a child I had few close  friends, read a lot by myself.
>> When I did hang out with kids my age I tended to be bossy and want to
>> control what we were doing. When adults came into my house and tried
>> to interact with me in ways I thought were childish or silly, I would
>> go to my room and read. I never was one for a lot of physical
>> affection, hugging, touching etc.
>> When I was growing up it was assumed that all my undesirable traits
>> linked back to my blindness. So it was assumed that because of my
>> blindness I had poor social skills. There were goals on my IEP
>> throughout elementary and middle school that dealt with my social
>> skills and my TVI was tasked with evaluating my progress. For example,
>> in elementary school I would get graded on goals like "Shows interest
>> in other children" or "asks others about their day". In middle school,
>> one goal on my IEP was "compliments others when she likes something".
>> I am not even slightly joking. My TVI would ask me every day to tell
>> her how many people I had complimented that day and she wrote it down
>> on her clipboard. The number of compliments I gave was expected to
>> increase over time. Since I  was usually a good student and I liked
>> and respected this teacher a lot, I tried my hardest to give her a
>> good compliment report every day, by contriving situations where I
>> could compliment my family and classmates. I still don't understand
>> what this had to do with my blindness. If I complimented people less
>> than my parents or teachers expected it was because that just wasn't a
>> big part of how I liked to interact with people. Had I been sighted, I
>> wouldn't have been graded on such a silly thing. She also read me
>> passages from a social skills book as a way to teach me social skills.
>> Eventually my TVI and I discussed this and she told me that my parents
>> had really expected her to do these things and she did even though she
>> knew they were ridiculous.
>> When people in the blindness world talk about social skills, it seems
>> they're usually referring to two things: skills at winning friends and
>> influencing people (charisma, likability, popularity) or following
>> social conventions like being places on time, attempting eye contact,
>> etc. (what Jedi refers to as "blending in"). By the first set of
>> criteria, winning friends and influencing people, Adolf Hitler had
>> wonderful social skills. I think there are other social skills that
>> are much more important for having lasting relationships: things like
>> sharing, helping others in need, being sensitive to other people's
>> feelings, respecting other people's opinions, not holding grudges.
>> There are many sighted politicians who have absolutely terrible social
>> skills by these criteria! These are all things that blind people can
>> learn just as well as sighted people by listening to other people's
>> conversations, talking about issues going on in the world, and
>> actually being a part of close relationships. I think the most social
>> skills I ever learned was by becoming friends with blind people who
>> were willing to be blunt and tell me if I was doing something
>> obnoxious. There is a lot we can learn about social interaction just
>> by listening, talking and sharing with others. Reading about this
>> stuff in a book, or being required to engage in artificial
>> interactions with others, doesn't help build these social skills in
>> the long term. Role-playing social interactions doesn't help when
>> you're out in the real world and the thing you practiced feels really
>> awkward and fake.
>> On blending in, I do think there are certain nonverbal things that
>> congenitally blind people should be explicitly told about so we can
>> make informed decisions about whether or not we want to blend in. For
>> example, of course blind folks should be told about which colors
>> people usually wear together or what kind of clothing is appropriate
>> for a job interview vs. the movies. But then, we still have the right
>> to choose to blend in or not. So  often it seems that blind folks are
>> labeled as having poor social skills when the fact is that they've
>> learned what is "appropriate" but chosen not to follow these norms for
>> whatever reason.
>> I realize now that my parents and teachers were unfortunately using
>> blindness and the IEP system to try to change who I fundamentally
>> was--to turn me into an extroverted, gregarious, charismatic person.
>> It took a long time for me to realize that I was OK being myself, and
>> that I was just reared in an environment where I didn't quite belong.
>> Although I don't have tons of friends, I have great relationships with
>> the friends I do have, a loving husband and co-workers who respect me,
>> and I try to be the best person I can. Most of  the things I learned
>> to get me to this place came from my firsthand experiences making
>> friends, my real discussions with others and a lot of trial and error.
>> I don't think I missed out on the process because I am blind, but I
>> also don't think the attempts to teach me social skills from a
>> textbook were either effective or necessary.
>> In closing, I hope that any good blindness center would support
>> students in developing social skills--by giving them opportunities to
>> make friends and have real social encounters--instead of
>> indoctrinating them with lessons based on a narrow definition of
>> social competence.
>>
>> Best,
>> Arielle
>>
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