[nabs-l] Several Questions...

Mon May 19 01:45:55 UTC 2014

Hi Carrie,

I am going to go through every part of your email and write my comments in
this reply. Hopefully my comments as to what part of the email I am
referring to are clear; if not, let me know if anything is unclear. 

The parts I mention about myself are mainly here for example and context; I
am not trying to tell you what to do or spout off stuff that I haven't
semi-experienced. I know that I am in a different stage of my life than you,
but hopefully some of this advice helps you some, or helps you to think. 

First off, I am sorry that you had such a tough time at school. If I may
ask, (and you can think these to yourself in evaluating your next plan of
action or provide these answers on the list so that we could better help
you),  how much of the assignments did you turn in, meaning what percentage?
Were there other reasons besides not feeling up to working that caused you
to have a problem? What reasons made you not want to work. Did you have a
difficult time understanding the class material? Did you have family/friend
support while you were in school?

Also, do not be ashamed of your lack of confidence. This is a struggle for
many blind/visually impaired people, including myself. By posting to this
list, you are taking one of the first steps to helping yourself; the first
step was recognizing that you had these challenges and limitations. 
Working through your struggles will take a lot of time, and it will be an
ongoing process.
In terms of your confidence, you need to start small and build yourself up
gradually. Unfortunately, there will be parts in your life, as well as
people and certain situations that will attempt, and may partially succeed
at tearing you down. However, you cannot let this stop you. Resilience
(being able to get back up after you fall, so to speak) is one of the most
helpful qualities that a blind person can have. Resilience can also take a
long time to build. 
I would recommend following Joes advice of starting a blog. I started a blog
about my crafting adventures a few months ago. The purpose of my blog is to
write about my experiences, as well as help others by providing resources
and directions for various resources related to crafting of any medium that
could particularly help blind people; and to serve as an inspiration and a
starting point for those who want to do some sort of craft or art. 
This blog helps with commitment, as well as confidence. Commitment in the
fact that I need to write regularly to maintain readership, and confidence
in the fact that its cool to have people, no matter the number look at
something you've written. 

I would recommend writing about your passion. If sports are your passion, go
for that. If you don't know what to do, start it out as a blog about a young
adult who is blind trying to find her place in life. The only reason  I
suggest that topic is because I would very strongly recommend writing about
a specific theme so that you have something to write about and not just a
general interest blog. 

Everyone else has given you really good advice and I do not want to repeat
what has already been said. 
Remember, it is way easier to tear someone down than it is to build someone
up; and right now, you need to do things that will solidly build you up in
terms of confidence. 

I hope this helps. 
Lillie

-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kerri Kosten
via nabs-l
Sent: Thursday, May 15, 2014 8:50 PM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list; Anjelina Cruz;
Arielle Silverman
Subject: [nabs-l] Several Questions...

Hi Everyone:

I don't know what to do so figured I'd write to the list for help.
I tried returning to school last semester but it didn't end up working out.
I tried a lot harder than I would have in the past, and I turned in most of
the assignments on time and all, but I still got a C in one class and a F in
the other class. It was my second time applying to this college, and I felt
fortunate I got readmitted. Now, I believe I am on academic suspension.
I have several questions and a lot to say.
If school is not going to work for me, I need to find something to do so was
considering trying to find a job. If I were sighted I'd just go for one of
those starter minimum wage jobs such as a waitress or a bookseller at Barnes
and Noble. However, I know being a bookseller at Barnes and Noble isn't
likely since I can't read the print books. I also know being a waitress
isn't likely.
So, what minimum wage starting jobs can a blind person do without a degree?
What was your first job?
What was the first thing you did that gave you real work experience?
I know our local grocery store, Kroger is always accepting applications. Has
anyone ever worked in a  grocery store? Could I be a bagger or a customer
service person at Kroger?
Where is the best place to look for jobs?
To be honest with everyone, I am really sad. I was heartbroken by my grades.
I'm sad that It doesn't look like school is going to work out for me and I
won't get a degree. I've always had a passion for sports, and have said
since I was 15 years old I want to be a sportswriter, sports reporter,
sports caster, or something with sports. I was a journalism major, figuring
journalism would give me a good foundation in helping me become a better
writer and would help my communication skills.
Please don't judge me too harshly for this, but the problem with me is I
have zero confidence in myself, and I have zero self-esteem. The other
problem with me (and I am ashamed to say this) is that the truth is I've
never really had to work in my entire life. I've always just been the star
without having to really work. I worked when I was in training, but that was
it. I also worked in high school, but again I was always the star and got
huge praise for just turning in and actually doing the work. Though I again
hate to admit this, I believe deep deep down though I hate this about myself
I have engrained all that praise. I am also a very, very impatient person.
The reason I am saying all of this is because I feel like when something is
a lot of work or it is something that requires a lot of time, I become so
impatient because I just want to finish whatever work it is, I either don't
do the work or I do it but at the very last minute, hating to do it the
whole time, doing it kicking and screaming (figuratively, not literally.) I
also work best with consequences. In training, I knew if I didn't do what
was required/asked of me I would first disappoint the director whom I looked
up to, I would second disappoint the staff members who I looked up to, I
would likely get kicked out which would mean having to return home and
having to explain to my family and rehab counselor (who I also look up to)
why I got kicked out. That is a lot of consequences and of course I didn't
want to face any of them or see what would happen. I also wanted to learn
the skills to be more independent for myself so I worked as hard as I could.
But, it seems unless there are consequences, or I am in an environment where
I am forced to do the work I become very lazy and if there is work (such as
for school or something) I dread doing it.
I also admit, I often feel depressed. I am often afraid and will worry that
I will never find my passion or figure anything out and will end up doing
nothing for the rest of my life and will be unable to contribute to society.
This makes me feel helpless and that then sends me into a negative
depression. As I said earlier, I forced myself with school and got most of
the work done I needed to but there were many nights where I would be so
negative and depressed I couldn't focus on schoolwork and would have to wait
until the next day.
Another thing that really brings me down and depresses me is that I have
always been passionate about sports. The thing I have come to recently
realize is that maybe even with sports I've sort of been tricked. When I was
a teenager/younger, and I would talk to people I always brought up sports. I
would say a few things, a few stats and I was always the star, always
"amazing" or whatever. Even now, to someone who isn't into sports it looks
like I really know what I am talking about. But, being able to say a few
things is a lot different than having to write a whole article. I feel like
when there is a big story going on, I often feel like I should write about
it since I always say I want to be a sportswriter but when I sit down to
write I don't know what to say. I often feel like my thoughts come from what
I read on sites such as ESPN.com or what I hear on ESPNRadio or ESPN rather
than myself forming my own opinion. Even when I listen to sports talk radio
(which I do constantly) I am amazed at how much of an expert they seem to
be. It makes me honestly feel stupid and makes me really question my wanting
to be a sportswriter. This then really makes me sad.
Another thing that is big in sports journalism but that I admit I have never
really done but that really really freaks me out a lot is interviewing. I am
terrified if I ever have to interview anyone my questions will be horrible
and they'll see right through me.
I just feel that similarly with the rest of my life, it's like everyone let
me go through life just talking and smiling and being all amazing but when
it comes to the real thing I am horrible and have no idea and though I
listen to sports talk radio all the time I probably don't know nearly as
much as I think I do especially in comparison to sighted males who have
studied this stuff their whole lives. Again, I am just begun to realize all
of this and this all makes me so sad and depressed.
For example, how do you "break down" a game?
Do you take notes during the game, then get the stats from somewhere online
afterwords and write about the game that way?
Is it normal to do a bunch of reading about a certain story from sites such
as Espn, Si (Sports Illustrated), Bleacher Report, FoxSports, Yahoo Sports,
and Cbs Sports and then write a little opinion thing based on what you have
read and your own opinions/knologe?
Sometimes, I even wonder if I really know that much about the games I listen
to. Sure, I know the basics of football and basketball, but many times when
I listen to sports talk radio I feel like I don't really know the games at
all.
This all worries me, makes me feel depressed, and negative and I'm afraid
I'll never figure any of this out and will have to spend the rest of my life
doing nothing and that makes me feel so negative and depressed.
How can I develop a better self-esteem and have more confidence?
How can I teach myself to think more positively rather than negatively all
the time?
How can I teach myself to be more determined/work harder when I've never
really had to work or really do anything?
Is there someone I could talk to every week or something that could help me
learn to work? Like, maybe give me writing prompts or maybe I could try
writing a sports column/opinion piece for them and they could look at it?
Like, they could help me take baby steps to figure things out?
I was very motivated in training. Having consequences and looking up to the
staff members and not wanting to disappoint them really drove me to work
hard. Is there something from training I could use to motivate me? Is there
something I'm not thinking of that I could use to motivate me?
Of course since I've graduated and the staff have understandably moved onto
other students I don't really get to talk to people from the center much. I
understand all of this, but I feel being back here I am just all by myself
and I realize this is part of being an adult but I really really struggle
when it's just me and myself.
I somehow need consequences, or someone on me or something in my mind to
look up/be motivated by. Otherwise, I seem to really get depressed,
negative, and end up failing/not wanting to do anything.
I realize I am an adult, but is there any way to find something to look up
to or is there any way I could have consequences or someone sort of on me
about getting things done?
Am I the only one who works in this way?
I wonder if I would've had someone nagging at me constantly whether I could
have possibly done better in school?
How do you all deal with this?
How do you continuously stay so determined?
For those of you who have had similar childhoods as me where you were always
told you are amazing and were never made to really work how do you force
yourself to work so hard?
I am sorry to post such a long message with so many questions. I don't know
where or who else to post this to. I can't just keep going on, doing
nothing, and just being depressed certain days and then be great on happy
good days.
Thanks,
Kerri

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