[nabs-l] How to handle creepy blind-obsessed people
Elizabeth Mohnke
lizmohnke at hotmail.com
Tue Oct 20 19:05:48 UTC 2015
Hello Kaiti,
I think choosing to ignore him is a suitable option for dealing with this
situation. However, incorporating social skill sessions into the disability
group with the hope that he may learn something from them sounds like a
passive aggressive way of dealing with this situation to me. My suggestion
had absolutely nothing to do with you teaching this person any kind of
social skills. It was to encourage you to voice your discomfort with
someone who was making you feel uncomfortable in a way that would be safe
for you while showing some kindness and compassion towards this person. I
agree with you that you should not be responsible for teaching this person
social skills if this is not something you wish to do. However, I believe it
is your responsibility to learn how to speak up for yourself when someone is
doing or saying something that makes you feel uncomfortable.
After rereading your initial post, I do not see how this person is
specifically targeting you. The post talks about how he attended some of the
disability events and had one conversation with you on Facebook. I do not
understand how this behavior meets the definition of stalking. If the
disability group is for all disabilities, and he has a disability, this
seems to be a good enough reason for him to be there. And if you are a
member of this group, or perhaps a leader of this group, then it would seem
rather reasonable to me how he would want to connect with you as another
member of the group. Perhaps he is looking for friendship, or perhaps he is
looking for something more. However, how can you expect other people to
respect your comfort zone if you are not willing to tell other people what
makes you feel uncomfortable?
Your post says that you believe this man to be harmless. If this is the
case, then what harm would it be to sit down with him and take the time to
get to know him? From what I understand about neurological disorders is that
they can often make a person feel lonely, isolated, and misunderstood by
others. If you would be willing to take the time to reach out to him, or
perhaps find another male who would be willing to reach out to him, it could
really mean a lot to him. One of the things I do not like about the NFB is
how so many people claim to know so much about me when most people have
never actually taken the time to get to know me as a person. It sounds to me
like what you know about him is based on your own assumptions rather than
who he is as a person. So I honestly do not see the harm in talking to him
if he is as harmless as you are making him out to be.
Warm regards,
Elizabeth
-----Original Message-----
From: nabs-l [mailto:nabs-l-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kaiti Shelton
via nabs-l
Sent: Tuesday, October 20, 2015 12:43 AM
To: National Association of Blind Students mailing list <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Kaiti Shelton <crazy4clarinet104 at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [nabs-l] How to handle creepy blind-obsessed people
Hi all,
There have certainly been a wide variety of thoughts on how to handle the
issue, which is great because from them I think I've picked out the most
helpful elements for this situation.
I held off on replying till now specifically to collect my thoughts and
weigh the options so far. Before I wrote I was mainly concerned with how to
just get rid of the problem because it made me and my friend uncomfortable.
I thought I had no obligation to explain my discomfort or to teach this
other student social skills because that really isn't my role or something I
would normally be concerned with if it were a neurotypical guy doing the
"stalking" as my friend called it. I felt that even though I have an
obligation to be cordial to him if/when we were in the same place, and I
need to promote understanding of neurological issues including these
maladaptive behaviors to the general campus public, that this crosses a line
and my own comfort and security should be of a higher priority than playing
social skills coach. Especially since I don't know this guy from Adam I
just wanted him to leave us alone except for when we are in club meetings or
functions.
I see the value of talking to him, but Kennedy brought up a great point that
we wouldn't want to ambush him and potentially make the problem worse. As
much as I would rather just not deal with this and hope he just goes away
from me and my friend, since we have the club and it is cross-disability
he's probably going to show up to something eventually. I like the idea of
talking to the club advisors, and I think that since both of them work in
disability services they could be helpful, neutral parties if we do need to
talk about the behaviors.
The Disability office could also be a neutral place to talk, since there are
always people filtering in and out but we could also have the conversations
in a confidential space, mainly for his benefit. I also thought today that
if this is something that must be addressed, having a social skills workshop
might not be a bad idea. I'm not sure how receptive the rest of the exec
board would be to it as there are only two people with neurological
disabilities which seem to impact their understanding of appropriate and
inappropriate actions in social situations, one more than the other, and we
wouldn't want to make them feel singled out by having those with
disabilities but adequate social skills honing in on one or both of them.
We may be able to weave it into a breakout session like we usually have, but
the conversation would be pretty pointless for everyone else in the club as
well unless those of us who have physical disabilities talked about other
aspects of social behavior that are issues to us. Personally I think the
issues of speaking down to someone in a wheelchair, or issues of not
understanding gestures or body language as well for a blind person are very
different from knowing when an action is appropriate or not and moderating
that behavior, but it might be the best way to bridge the gap and have other
people at least talk about aspects of socializing that are challenging for
them.
I definitely want to keep my interactions with him to a minimum and don't
want to jump the gun either (as nothing has been done to warrant that), but
this is an issue I think I'll have to monitor carefully.
The club has its meetings on Wednesdays, so I guess I will see what will
happen potentially as soon as this week. My fight or flight reflex is still
wishing he'd just go away so I don't have to deal with the conflict or fear
that he'll come up to me as I'm trying to get lunch or go to a class, but we
can't win 'em all.
On 10/19/15, STOMBERG, KENNEDY via nabs-l <nabs-l at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> Josh, I know! It's super gross!
>
> On Mon, Oct 19, 2015 at 10:18 PM, josh lester via nabs-l
> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
> wrote:
>
>> Wow!
>> What I can't stand is people that when taught how to guide me, insist
>> on me putting my hand on their shoulder, or letting them hold my hand
>> like a child!
>> It's annoying!
>> Alana, when did you start losing your sight?
>> Thanks
>>
>> On 10/19/15, Alana Leonhardy via nabs-l <nabs-l at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> > This sounds very disturbing. I have also encountered a person like
>> > this.
>> It
>> > was right as I was losing my vision that I met this person, and the
>> > only reason things didn't escalate beyond control is because I
>> > moved away.
>> > The
>> > things you mentioned sound very similar, and it sounds like he
>> > makes you feel really uneasy. People can show interest in the
>> > disabled for a
>> number of
>> > reasons, some good and some not so much. Sometimes it's because
>> > they
>> think
>> > they'll be an easy victim, sometimes they're interested in the
>> > person as
>> a
>> > whole and they're disability doesn't make them uncomfortable or
>> > lose the attraction, blind and sighted people end up together all
>> > the time. But sometimes, it's the disability itself that excites
>> > the person, like my
>> sick
>> > ex and maybe the guy you're talking about. I can't say for sure
>> > since I don't know the man. But if that's what is going on, then
>> > the word you've used, target, is a good one. I can certainly
>> > understand why you may be worried for yourself and your friend if
>> > you reject his advances, but just because he has a creepy fetish
>> > doesn't mean he will become violent. My advice is to to tell him
>> > you're not interested via private Facebook
>> message,
>> > so there's a record of your saying no and his reaction. There has
>> > been
>> some
>> > good advice offered previously too :) I hope I'm overreacting
>> > because of my own previously mentioned situation, and that your
>> > creep is easier to deal with.
>> > Best of luck,
>> > Alana
>> >
>> > Sent from my iPhone
>> >
>> >> On Oct 18, 2015, at 21:41, Kaiti Shelton via nabs-l
>> >> <nabs-l at nfbnet.org>
>> >> wrote:
>> >>
>> >> Hi all,
>> >>
>> >> I'm sure you're wondering about the strange subject line, but the
>> >> situation is exactly how it sounds. This guy started pestering a
>> >> friend of mine who is also blind on campus, and since we've
>> >> started a disability organization and have been seen together and
>> >> he saw my cane he's now starting to do it to me. Apparently he
>> >> has some neurological problems that are supposedly controled, but
>> >> the odd behavior isn't something that we're aware of that can be
>> >> related to seizure disorders. He has admitted to my friend that
>> >> he has a thing for girls with disabilities, and since meeting her
>> >> has been fascinated by blind chicks. It was a little disturbing
>> >> to me when he started sending me really forward facebook messages
>> >> and mentioned my friend, and when I asked her about it the next
>> >> day she half-jokingly referred to him as "Her stalker," and told
>> >> me she'd fill me in further in private, which she did. He seems
>> >> fairly harmless for the time being and she's so far been
>> >> successful in just ignoring him or not giving information, and she
>> >> certainly made it known that she does not return the liking he
>> >> says he has for her, but I still am creeped out a bit by the
>> >> pattern of going after blind chicks. Obviously I haven't given
>> >> him any information and have mostly ignored his messages he's been
>> >> sending me, but I'm a little hesitant to just block him because he'll
probably show up to the club meetings now that he knows about them.
>> >>
>> >> I've been advised by a male friend of mine to just tell him to
>> >> back off and leave me alone, but I'll admit that as a woman who is
>> >> fairly identifyable as the only one with a cane and who is unable
>> >> to see him coming I don't know if that is the best approach or
>> >> not. He hasn't done anything at this point that is reportable, so
>> >> I don't quite know what the best approach would be. I am pretty
>> >> creeped out how he targets disabled women and blind women in
>> >> particular now, but that isn't a crime in and of itself.
>> >> Thankfully I had class the time when he showed up to our table
>> >> hours for our awareness week on campus, and he didn't show up to
>> >> the described movie night we just had like he said he was going
>> >> to. I usually have chapter meetings for another organization
>> >> directly after the club meetings so I do have an excuse to leave
>> >> club by a certain time, but I'm not thrilled by the idea of this
>> >> dude showing up and being weird with my friend and I while we're
>> >> trying to get work done, or meeting me in person and making it harder
for him to miss me when I'm going about my business on campus.
>> >>
>> >> Don't get me wrong---I totally have ignored creepy online people
>> >> before in the few instances where they have sent me strange
>> >> facebook chats or what have you, but the fact that this is a
>> >> sighted dude on my campus who is going after a specific disability
>> >> is really creepy to me and I do not feel comfortable about it.
>> >> Advice? Also, I do understand that this topic kind of verges on
>> >> adult conversations, but please keep your responses G or PG as I
>> >> do not intend to break any list guidelines and nothing grossly
inappropriate has happened here.
>> >>
>> >> _______________________________________________
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>>
>>
>> --
>> Joshua Lester
>> Blessings to you in the name of Jesus Christ "Then Peter said unto
>> them repent and be baptized everyone of you in the name of Jesus
>> Christ for the remission of sins and ye shall receive the gift of the
>> Holy Ghost," (Acts, 2:38.)
>>
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--
Kaiti Shelton
University of Dayton-Music Therapy
President, Ohio Association of Blind Students 2013-Present Secretary, The
National Federation of the Blind Performing Arts Division 2015-2016
"You can live the life you want; blindness is not what holds you back!"
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