[nagdu] Goodbye My Lovely

[Joy Relton]

Oh Meghan,

My heart goes out to you. Your love goes with her. All that you can do is
work hard to ensure that she gets a new home. No, that's not true, you also
need to forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Here's sending you a
virtual hug.

Joy with Belle

-----Original Message-----
From: nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Meghan Whalen
Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 6:01 PM
To: common-lounge at googlegroups.com; doggie-den at yahoogroups.com;
buddy-l at yahoogroups.com; gsdguides at yahoogroups.com; NAGDU Mailing List, the
National Association of Guide Dog Users
Subject: [nagdu] Goodbye My Lovely


The below text was written about two weeks ago, below that, you will find an
update from today.  I don't have words.

Jade will be going to live with someone else. I don't know who yet. She
attacked Snickers, again. She does this whenever I am not home and someone
else is here caring for the dogs. I cannot deal with it. It is not fare to
Snickers for him to be afraid all of the time. I don't know why it happens.
I am too tired of this. She has punctures on her face from him defending
himself. He is shakey and clingy and super insecure now. This dog as been
scared and hurt too many times in his life.

I love Jade to death. It will kill me to let her go, but I know this is not
safe for anybody. She still has separation anxiety, but I had decided I
would deal with that. Every day, when I get home, she has releived in the
house, and I clean it up right when I get home. It is stressful and a pain,
but I was willing to do that so she could be a part of my life. It looks
like it is not safe to keep her. This is what I get for writing such an
optimistic post about her the other day. So, four years to the day after I
got her, I found out I will have to let her go. I am so broken that I think
I am out of words.

And now, the update.

I've been gone for the last ten days. I was at NFB convention, then I worked
at a fair selling pizza. I'm so tired. On Thursday, I found out that Jade
attacked my mom's dog, too and put her in the emergency vet, so there goes
my theory about her and Snickers. There is no way my mom can keep her. I
need to get her everything to get her ready for her new home, but I can't do
it. I can't get her the new leash so I can keep the other one. I can't bring
myself to order her the fish oil she needs for her coat so I can hand it
over to someone else and worry that they're not giving it to her. I need to
write up everything I want them to know about her. I need to get copies of
all of her records. I can't. She is my love, my little lady. I can't let her
go. She gave me so much. We traveled so far together, and went through so
many gains and losses together. I can't imagine the killing pain this will
cause when it is all said and done. I took her ID tag with my info from her
collar and put it  on my keychain. I will have that constant reminder for
the rest of my life, I swear it. I feel like I am the most disloyal and
unloving friend she could ever ask for. I cannot seperate the dogs, because
I am just one person, and that would give them both a half-life. That would
be the selfish solution, and I refuse to demote either of them to half-time
companion. I know the truth is that she will settle into her new home and be
content, but I cannot imagine it. I dont' know how to imagine going to sleep
everynight knowing she is sleeping at the feet of someone I barely know. I
don't know how to go on not knowing if they are monitoring her Panis. I
don't know how to feed my dogs every morning and not worry that she isn't
getting the fish oil and pumpkin that she needs. I just don't know how to
say goodbye. I only know how to say I love you. 

End pasting.

I can't process.  I can't function.  I can't do what I need to do to find
her the life she needs.  I want to hide from it, like that will make it go
away.  I just have no idea where it all came from, and I blame myself.  What
could I do different?  I just don't know.  Now that she has hurt my mom's
dog, I don't trust her around any of my dogs at any time.  I have broken my
promise to her.  When I got her, on the first day, I listened to her crying
and I promised her she would never have to lose anyone ever again.  I hate
broken promises.  And now, I retreat.

Meghan 
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