[nagdu] Why so hard?

[Jenine Stanley]

Marsha, 

It's never silly or inappropriate to cry over losing such an important being
in your life. Remember, the emotions you're feeling right now aren't good or
bad, they just are and gee, isn't it good that you can actually feel them?
Yep, it's definitely the worst part of working with our dogs, that letting
go. Never apologize though for having emotions about it. <smile> 

Jenine Stanley
jeninems at wowway.com
http://www.twitter.com/jeninems


-----Original Message-----
From: nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:nagdu-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf
Of Marsha Drenth
Sent: Wednesday, August 22, 2012 12:41 PM
To: the National Association of Guide Dog Users NAGDU Mailing List
Subject: [nagdu] Why so hard?

Hi List, 

Although I have been writing that Emma is retired, or semi-retired for
weeks. And although she hasn't been able to work in a good while. Its
official now. She is officially retired. I just continue to say that over
and over in myhead, and its not real. *sigh* Why is retiring a guide so
hard? I have cried over this so much, and then I think to myself how can I
be so attached to this puppy. I feel stupid for crying. But how can one
retire a pup without. I know its for the best, for her health, for me, for
our stress level. She has not been happy working in several months, and I
hate to see her tense because of it. currently she is here with me, and
hasn't gone to her retirement home. But to think I'll never leave this
house, with her in harness, with her next to me, her protecting me, watching
out for me, guiding me. It just makes my heart hurt. This beautiful German
Shepard, who has lived in three different states with me, who has traveled
on three different college campuses, traveled to numerous cities and places,
was in my life at the hardest and the happiness times of my life. She has
always been there. My Emma girl, my emmalena. My emma girl who will let
babies crawl all over her and not bat an eye lash, who will run, play and
jump with my older kids. The girl who has saved my life on numerous
occasions, and probably more times that I didn't know about. It just hurts
so very very much. Its like you know something in your heart, but your mind
hasn't kept up with that thought, and vice versa. Every time I have a
birthday I will remember my Emma and the day that we met. It was my present,
best one ever. A part of my grief is that I feel like I failed her. Yes she
got sick. Which changed her in so many ways. But couldn't I do more, I could
have done this or that. Why did I wait so long to to take her to the vet
with her EPI. She was a perfect dog for me. This girl had so much energy, so
much spunk, she fit me to the T. She absolutely loved working, and now she
doesn't. I want that happy, go lucky, spunky girl back! 

The why is it so hard question, wasn't one really I needed an answer to. And
over the years on this list I have seen lots of pups being retired and their
handlers go through the same thing I am now. Yes I have a class date for
another pup, but up until then, my mind and heart are going to be with Emma.


Sorry for the rambling. 

Marsha drenthSent from my iPhone
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