[NAGDU] Our Girl Is Safely Home

[Dani Pagador]

Hi, Everyone.
My Dad took David, Peg, and me to the vet yesterday afternoon. We did
tests to see how her kidneys were, and the numbers looked better than
they did on Saturday, but weren't at normal levels.

The vet was willing to let us try more IV fluid, and David would've
needed to give them to her four times a day instead of the two times a
day we'd been doing over the last four days.

Peg was needing to go out every four hours to relieve herself, and
we'd sometimes just barely make it outside.

She started eating, but only a little bit, and only if I hand fed her.
She'd only want sweet bread and peanut butter. No kidney diet dog
food, no matter whether it was wet or dry, no matter if it came from
my hand or the bowl.

The vet said that the fluids could help with maintainance of the
kidneys, but that they couldn't bring the kidneys back to normal
function. She also said that there was no telling how short or long
the maintainance would be effective, and that as far as food went,
we'd need to keep her on the strict kidney diet, and possibly feed her
with a syringe and blended food if she didn't eat the dry or canned
food.

David and I talked some more, and decided to go with our original
decision to let her go. She's such a lady, so faithful to her training
that she wouldn't pee in the house, even on puppy pads; when she'd wet
the bed or have accidents, she'd have this look on her face like, "I
know I was a bad dog." She wasn't enjoying her food, couldn't eat or
drink comfortably, and couldn't move around as freely or as
independently. She was happy to be with us, and would've kept going
and trying for us, even if it meant waking up every four hours and
being carried outside to pee. But that's no life for my Peg. I didn't
want her staying around just for her Mama and Papi, as much as we
wanted her with us.

We got to spend some time with her to say goodbye and lots of I love
yous, and I got to hold her and sing to her as the doctor gave her the
shot and she crossed Rainbow Bridge.

We had a good day yesterday. We got to go riding on our tandem
bike--she sat in the cargo basket under my seat, with her head
sticking out, looking around attentively. She was a little more
herself, walking around the house, wanting to be by my workstation or
in the kitchen. But she still had her tired moments, when she needed
to rest.

We wanted to let her go on a good day. We couldn't see having to come
back to do this again, the let go for real this time, not just for
practice.

It's been a long, hard time since. I've been doing a lot of crying, a
lot of praying, and a lot of just sitting around and stress eating.
The apartment is too quiet; it feels too different, like something
huge and too important is missing. I can't walk around the complex
without tearing up; I have to walk past all of the places Peg and I
would have to go on a daily basis.

I'm soo happy for her; she gets to be with Jesus and all of her dog
friends. She gets to be herself again, whole and without pain. I
couldn't rob her of that chance yesterday by making her come back home
to be with us.

But I'm sooo  sad for us. It sucks to be without her. I miss my girl.
For as hard and as much as you love your dog, that's how much it'll
hurt to let go. It'll be better. ... Just not today.

I wrote this for her, but couldn't sing it, because the ache was too
big, and I was crying too hard.

(To the tune of Danny Boy)
Oh, Peggy girl, our Lord, our Lord is calling.
His loving arms will meet you when you come.
You'll be so missed, I'll always hold you close to me.
Oh, pretty girl, my lovely girl, I love you so.

Thanks for reading this long ramble, for all of your kind words on and
off list. Your care, encouragement, and support have helped me not be
so mean to myself.

More Later, when I figure out up from down,
Dani