[Nebraska-students] Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3

Fri Feb 12 06:50:35 UTC 2010

Hi, Everyone:

This is one of the best discussions I've read on this list.  All of you have 
been both honest and considerate.  Although I'm old enough to be your mother 
(Karen's mom was my best friend in school and beyond), I, too, have 
experienced much of what you're sharing.

I especially remember when I started using my cane in unfamiliar places when 
walking with my mom.  I soon realized that, as long as I was walking 
directly with her, I wasn't paying attention to where I was and wasn't 
really using the cane.  When I mentioned that and started walking by myself 
when we were out, she seemed upset and that was confusing to me, because I 
thought I had explained my action thoroughly and she had said she was glad I 
was using my cane.  Ultimately, I thought things were resolved.

Years later, though, when something caused a discussion to come up about 
that time, she said she thought I was suddenly ashamed to be with her or 
that someone in the Federation had told me not to walk with her and I was 
more interested in doing what that person said than being close to my 
family.  She didn't really trust the Federation because the people at the 
school for the blind hadn't thought highly of it and she thought my sister 
and I were being brainwashed by people in the organization.  I was really 
taken aback by that and described again why I had done things the way I did, 
feeling sad that she had thought something like that all those years.

It really does take courage--that is, doing something in spite of how scary 
it feels--to claim one's independence.  And what I'm thinking of when I use 
the word independence is the definition in Dr. Jernigan's speech, The Nature 
of Independence:  "doing what you want when you want, and doing it without 
paying such a heavy price (either monetarily or otherwise) that the thing is 
hardly worth having once you get it or do it."  In the speech, he mentions, 
among other things, that blind people, when in training,  often experience 
"fear and insecurity, rebellious independence, and normal independence".  I 
find it useful to revisit this speech from time to time for perspective.

It also takes courage to walk that path of letting go as a parent alongside 
offspring, whether blind or sighted.  Having now been both a child and a 
parent, I know from more than one perspective both the stretching to pull 
away and the yearning to draw close.  What I continue to strive for, not 
only with my parents, but also with my offspring, is relationship.

I applaud all of you for continuing to seek adult give and take in your 
families.  While they may often be the source of our deepest relational 
frustrations, they are also the well from which we draw, again and again, 
opportunities to flesh out, through struggle and soul-searching, who we are.

Barbara

----- Original Message ----- 
From: <nebraska-students-request at nfbnet.org>
To: <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, February 11, 2010 12:00 PM
Subject: Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3

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> Today's Topics:
>
>   1. Parents (Rachael Vacanti)
>   2. Re: Parents (Mary Gould)
>   3. Re: Parents (Countryperson94 at aol.com)
>   4. Re: Parents (Rachna Keshwani)
>   5. Re: Parents (Countryperson94 at aol.com)
>   6. Re: Parents (Karen Anderson)
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Message: 1
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:52:24 -0600
> From: "Rachael Vacanti" <racheer42 at cox.net>
> To: <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <F8E0542247794A2BB50DC2CF73AAF5C1 at Blondie>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
>
> Hi!  I'm Rachael Vacanti.  I'm a senior in high school in Omaha, Nebraska 
> and I have a huge problem on my hands.  My parents do not understand my 
> blindness.  They deny the fact that I am even blind.  They use the term 
> visually impaired and when I do things under my sleepshades, they don't 
> give me the encouragement or support or praise I want and slightly need to 
> keep going.  Every time I try and talk about it with them, we either end 
> up screaming at one another, or I won't have the words to explain things, 
> or the conversation will go in a totally different direction or I get 
> interrupted and ignored.  I just feel like my parents don't care about my 
> other world with my blind friends.  Whenever I've tried to explain it we 
> usually end up  mad at one another and so they have pretty much decided 
> they are not even going to try to understand it.  At least that's what it 
> feels like to an 18-year-old.  I'm just not sure what to do or how to 
> approach this subject with my parents. I know I should have a talk with 
> them about all of this and I will, but I just don't know how to approach 
> it and keep the conversation focused on me and not drifting off somewhere 
> else.  If anyone has any advice, that would be highly benificial right now 
> because I really feel lost.
>
> Rachael E. Vacanti
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Message: 2
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:03:35 -0800 (PST)
> From: Mary Gould <meleeri at yahoo.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <401117.67109.qm at web54101.mail.re2.yahoo.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
>
> Try writing down your thoughts in a letter to them or at least as notes 
> for yourself to refer to when you don't have the right words.? It won't 
> solve all the problems, but?it will help you get your point(s) across if 
> you can come up with what they are when you are thinking clearly and not 
> on the spur of the moment or in ressponse to some rebuttle or accusation 
> that probably doesn't make sense anyway.? Good luck and keep me posted 
> on?how it goes.
> Mary
>
> --- On Wed, 2/10/10, Rachael Vacanti <racheer42 at cox.net> wrote:
>
>
> From: Rachael Vacanti <racheer42 at cox.net>
> Subject: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Date: Wednesday, February 10, 2010, 3:52 PM
>
>
> Hi!? I'm Rachael Vacanti.? I'm a senior in high school in Omaha, Nebraska 
> and I have a huge problem on my hands.? My parents do not understand my 
> blindness.? They deny the fact that I am even blind.? They use the term 
> visually impaired and when I do things under my sleepshades, they don't 
> give me the encouragement or support or praise I want and slightly need to 
> keep going.? Every time I try and talk about it with them, we either end 
> up screaming at one another, or I won't have the words to explain things, 
> or the conversation will go in a totally different direction or I get 
> interrupted and ignored.? I just feel like my parents don't care about my 
> other world with my blind friends.? Whenever I've tried to explain it we 
> usually end up? mad at one another and so they have pretty much decided 
> they are not even going to try to understand it.? At least that's what it 
> feels like to an 18-year-old.? I'm just not sure what to do or how to 
> approach
> this subject with my parents. I know I should have a talk with them about 
> all of this and I will, but I just don't know how to approach it and keep 
> the conversation focused on me and not drifting off somewhere else.? If 
> anyone has any advice, that would be highly benificial right now because I 
> really feel lost.
>
> Rachael E. Vacanti
> _______________________________________________
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>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Message: 3
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:05:58 EST
> From: Countryperson94 at aol.com
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <1c95e.41f43d8c.38a4ce16 at aol.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
>
> I know exactly how you feel dear. It doesn't help to fight with them. Like
> Mary said, write it down and try to talk out sensibly. It's one of the
> hardest  things to endure but I promise you'll get through it. At some 
> point you
> just  have to say "it's my life and I am blind. Deal with it."  Maybe not
> in  those terms, but it is your life. Make it what you want it to be.
> Kelly
>
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Message: 4
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:03:04 -0500
> From: Rachna Keshwani <rachna.keshwani at gmail.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID:
> <1d03f66c1002102003r618fb2abj177e4196b5300924 at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
>
> Hello,
> I experience the same complications with my parents and it can be
> quite frustrating. They acknowledge my blindness only in moments where
> I ask for assistance, or when they want me to request it. When I wore
> sleepshades around them, they panicked, warning me that if I did not
> use my residual sight to the fullest, then I could lose it. They hold
> eyesight to a high regard, and frequently test the extent of my
> vision. We have our share of disputes, and I can never make my point
> known ie. Although they have attended a convension, it was more to
> spend time with me than learning about the philosophy. They have not
> had an opportunity to join the  National Organization of Parents of
> Blind Children division, so their differing views are justifable. I
> hope that someday our parents realize that we are active citizens
> leading productive lives, and we just happen to be blind.
> Sincerely,
> Rachna Keshwani
>
> On 2/10/10, Countryperson94 at aol.com <Countryperson94 at aol.com> wrote:
>> I know exactly how you feel dear. It doesn't help to fight with them. 
>> Like
>> Mary said, write it down and try to talk out sensibly. It's one of the
>> hardest  things to endure but I promise you'll get through it. At some 
>> point
>> you
>> just  have to say "it's my life and I am blind. Deal with it."  Maybe not
>> in  those terms, but it is your life. Make it what you want it to be.
>> Kelly
>> _______________________________________________
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>> Nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>> Nebraska-students:
>> http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org/rachna.keshwani%40gmail.com
>>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Message: 5
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:04:03 EST
> From: Countryperson94 at aol.com
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <1ded1.7fbcb66b.38a4dbb3 at aol.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
>
> I know. It's sad but very true.
> Kelly
>
>
> ------------------------------
>
> Message: 6
> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 05:26:17 -0500
> From: Karen Anderson <kea.anderson at gmail.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID:
> <631f35c61002110226w6abcdbc4uff4c51db2d8421ab at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
>
> Rachel and all,
>
> I think we've hit on one of the toughest questions we face as blind
> people. Its easy for us to say that blindness is just a
> characteristic, like having dark hair or being short, but its  hard
> when that isn't how the rest of the world sees it. Especially when its
> family. The one nice thing is that we have each other to bounce ideas
> off of.
>
> I can't say I have any universal ansers, but here's how I handled things.
> On the surface my family has always been okay with the fact that I'm
> blind. My mom was blind, so it wasn't like it was some huge shock to
> anyone when I became blind too. They always told me that I could do
> anything I wanted, and had high expectations of me. That isn't so
> unlike some other parents of blind kids I know. Mine were okay with
> Braille, and they even encouraged me to have a cane with me at all
> times, though we went everywhere sighted guide with mom on one side of
> dad and me on the other. (Yep, lots of jokes come to mind with that,
> and we all made them and laughed.)
> When I started wanting to use my cane when I walked with Dad, things
> got sticky. When I told Dad I wanted to come to Louisiana for training
> they got downright messy. That wasn't because he doesn't want what's
> best for me. He just thought I already had it covered. We had our fair
> share of yelling matches, especially when I told him that I was
> staying down here an extra semester to finish things up right. I don't
> know that he really gets it now, but we did have a good talk over
> Christmas break. He asked me if I thought it was worth it, if I
> thought I'd made the right decision by coming down here. When I told
> him yes, he asked me why. And rather than telling him the same stuff
> I'd told him a hundred times before, I talked about some of the things
> I've done here that I would have been afraid to do before. I don't
> think he ever realized that I was scared, or uncomfortable with
> certain things, because I never really wanted him to realize it. I
> don't think any of us really like to show weekness, even to the people
> who love us most.
>
> I couldn't even have come close to having my family be okay with my
> blindness, the fact that I now use a cane that doesn't fold up and
> hide, all of that, until I started being okay with it. I've talked to
> a lot of people, and most of us agree there isn't one specific moment
> when all of a sudden you're just okay with the fact that you're blind.
> It takes time. Having other blind people around you helps, and sighted
> people who treat you like any other person. I personally think going
> to a training center is also a huge help, because everyone is going
> through the same experiences and can offer support. Having your
> parents visit the center with you might help, too, or having them go
> to your center graduation.
>
> I have a feeling, though I can't really varify this, that one thing
> families are most afraid of when we start going out and exploring
> blindness alternatives, is that we're going to change who we are. We
> start doing things differently, and they wonder if they know us any
> more. The easiest way to combat that, at least for me, has been to
> just go out and keep living my life. If you like to sing, you should
> keep singing, and take your cane on stage with you. If cooking is your
> thing, keep making dinner for your family, just do it using the
> alternatives you learn. Reading, knitting, whatever, just keep doing
> the stuff you love with your family and friends.
>
> I think its also important to realize that there don't have to be 2
> seperet worlds, your blindness world and the world where your sighted
> friends reside. That pulls you in two directions, and makes your
> family worry that they don't know you or your friends any more. My
> sighted friends and blind friends mix on a fairly regular basis, and I
> don't think many of them really give it much thought any more. A
> friend is a friend, and family is family, whether they can see or not.
> Introducing blind friends to your parents, having them come to
> conventions, all of that helps. My dad's never been too interested in
> the NFB, he's never been to a convention, but we've held plenty of
> parties at our house, and I don't think he really thinks about who's
> blind or sighted any more either.
>
> Some people said that sometimes family just doesn't get it, and
> doesn't want to get it. Unfortunately, sometimes that's true. i don't
> think we should ever entirely give up, but at some point we have to
> sit down and ask ourselves what's best for us, and do it, regardless
> of whether they understand or not. In the end, as hard as that can be,
> "Its my life."
>
> Hopefully this helps. If not, I may still be able to get some use out
> of it when I submit it for the record for the longest list post ever
> written.
>
> Karen
>
> On 2/10/10, Countryperson94 at aol.com <Countryperson94 at aol.com> wrote:
>> I know. It's sad but very true.
>> Kelly
>> _______________________________________________
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>>
>
>
>
> ------------------------------
>
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>
> End of Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3
> ************************************************ 