[Nebraska-students] Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3

Thu Feb 11 22:20:02 UTC 2010

Rachael,

I was a bit older and already out of the house when I lost my vision, but I still had to deal with parents who were not sure what to do with a blind child.  Dependence was never an option, but it was believed that I now had limitations.  I forged my own way and struck out to find what I was capable of.  I entered a training facility as soon as I could to emerse myself in the skills and attitude that are essential.  I am rebellious by nature so going against my parents has never been an issue, but it is frusterating nonetheless when they just don't get it.

Parents ultimately love us, and want what is best for us, but the time comes when we must make our own decisions.  We alone set the course for our life.  My family was never out-right against anything, and I was not expected to deny my blindness, but they did have fears, and they did believe in limitations.  Over time, though, they have come to realize that an obstacle is only such when we it allow it to be an obstacle.  They are not perfect, but they have come so far.

As previously stated I can be rebellious, and I tend to defy authority, but as I knock on 30's door, oh dear God really?, I know when to keep my mouth shut, and when to open it.  Fighting with your parents will only result in frusteration and words spoken out of context for both partys.  Writing them a well-thought out letter is a fantastic idea.  As a teen I use to write poems to express my feelings to my parents.  It allowed me to think my feelings through, and state my arguement in a calm manner.  This does not mean they always came around, but at least I had the opportunity to get my point across.

We will not change the minds of all people, and unfortunately this may mean family as well.  Be positive, but also be realistic.  You must do what is best for you, and you must seek out your own life.  Family is important, but they must understand what is important for you as well.  Give your parents the chance to draw their own conclusions.  Invite them to NFB events, provide material for them to peruse, introduce them to blind friends and blind people who have proven what the blind are capable of.  Saturate them in your philosophy and independence.  Eventually it will rub off on them.  Or rather rub into them!

As Karen said, you do not have two lives that must be seperate.  You are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Blindness is not a blemish marking us as broken or flawed beings.  We are humans who live among other humans.  It is difficult for many to understand that a physical disability really is just a characteristic, but we are attempting to change this mind-set.  I have an instructor who wants me to always write about blindness because, "It is a fascinating story."  I have plenty to say on blindness, but I have plenty to say on other topics as well.  Blindness is not who we are, but a part of who we are.  It does not make up our personality, it does not determine our interest or our ideas.  I could just as easily write about being female or being brunette.  We are all complex people.

Sorry, I digress.  It is time for you to create your own identity.  Be gentel, but strong.  You have the support of many, and in the grand scheme of things, one day both you and your parents will look back on this and wonder why it was such a huge deal.

Best of luck, and never hesitate to ask for advice from any of us.

Bridgit P
> From: nebraska-students-request at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 12:00:19 -0600
> 
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> Today's Topics:
> 
> 1. Parents (Rachael Vacanti)
> 2. Re: Parents (Mary Gould)
> 3. Re: Parents (Countryperson94 at aol.com)
> 4. Re: Parents (Rachna Keshwani)
> 5. Re: Parents (Countryperson94 at aol.com)
> 6. Re: Parents (Karen Anderson)
> 
> 
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Message: 1
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 15:52:24 -0600
> From: "Rachael Vacanti" <racheer42 at cox.net>
> To: <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <F8E0542247794A2BB50DC2CF73AAF5C1 at Blondie>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1"
> 
> Hi! I'm Rachael Vacanti. I'm a senior in high school in Omaha, Nebraska and I have a huge problem on my hands. My parents do not understand my blindness. They deny the fact that I am even blind. They use the term visually impaired and when I do things under my sleepshades, they don't give me the encouragement or support or praise I want and slightly need to keep going. Every time I try and talk about it with them, we either end up screaming at one another, or I won't have the words to explain things, or the conversation will go in a totally different direction or I get interrupted and ignored. I just feel like my parents don't care about my other world with my blind friends. Whenever I've tried to explain it we usually end up mad at one another and so they have pretty much decided they are not even going to try to understand it. At least that's what it feels like to an 18-year-old. I'm just not sure what to do or how to approach this subject with my parents. I know I should have a talk with them about all of this and I will, but I just don't know how to approach it and keep the conversation focused on me and not drifting off somewhere else. If anyone has any advice, that would be highly benificial right now because I really feel lost.
> 
> Rachael E. Vacanti
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 2
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:03:35 -0800 (PST)
> From: Mary Gould <meleeri at yahoo.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <401117.67109.qm at web54101.mail.re2.yahoo.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=iso-8859-1
> 
> Try writing down your thoughts in a letter to them or at least as notes for yourself to refer to when you don't have the right words.? It won't solve all the problems, but?it will help you get your point(s) across if you can come up with what they are when you are thinking clearly and not on the spur of the moment or in ressponse to some rebuttle or accusation that probably doesn't make sense anyway.? Good luck and keep me posted on?how it goes.
> Mary
> 
> --- On Wed, 2/10/10, Rachael Vacanti <racheer42 at cox.net> wrote:
> 
> 
> From: Rachael Vacanti <racheer42 at cox.net>
> Subject: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Date: Wednesday, February 10, 2010, 3:52 PM
> 
> 
> Hi!? I'm Rachael Vacanti.? I'm a senior in high school in Omaha, Nebraska and I have a huge problem on my hands.? My parents do not understand my blindness.? They deny the fact that I am even blind.? They use the term visually impaired and when I do things under my sleepshades, they don't give me the encouragement or support or praise I want and slightly need to keep going.? Every time I try and talk about it with them, we either end up screaming at one another, or I won't have the words to explain things, or the conversation will go in a totally different direction or I get interrupted and ignored.? I just feel like my parents don't care about my other world with my blind friends.? Whenever I've tried to explain it we usually end up? mad at one another and so they have pretty much decided they are not even going to try to understand it.? At least that's what it feels like to an 18-year-old.? I'm just not sure what to do or how to approach
> this subject with my parents. I know I should have a talk with them about all of this and I will, but I just don't know how to approach it and keep the conversation focused on me and not drifting off somewhere else.? If anyone has any advice, that would be highly benificial right now because I really feel lost.
> 
> Rachael E. Vacanti
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> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 3
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 22:05:58 EST
> From: Countryperson94 at aol.com
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <1c95e.41f43d8c.38a4ce16 at aol.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> 
> I know exactly how you feel dear. It doesn't help to fight with them. Like 
> Mary said, write it down and try to talk out sensibly. It's one of the 
> hardest things to endure but I promise you'll get through it. At some point you 
> just have to say "it's my life and I am blind. Deal with it." Maybe not 
> in those terms, but it is your life. Make it what you want it to be. 
> Kelly
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 4
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:03:04 -0500
> From: Rachna Keshwani <rachna.keshwani at gmail.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID:
> <1d03f66c1002102003r618fb2abj177e4196b5300924 at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> 
> Hello,
> I experience the same complications with my parents and it can be
> quite frustrating. They acknowledge my blindness only in moments where
> I ask for assistance, or when they want me to request it. When I wore
> sleepshades around them, they panicked, warning me that if I did not
> use my residual sight to the fullest, then I could lose it. They hold
> eyesight to a high regard, and frequently test the extent of my
> vision. We have our share of disputes, and I can never make my point
> known ie. Although they have attended a convension, it was more to
> spend time with me than learning about the philosophy. They have not
> had an opportunity to join the National Organization of Parents of
> Blind Children division, so their differing views are justifable. I
> hope that someday our parents realize that we are active citizens
> leading productive lives, and we just happen to be blind.
> Sincerely,
> Rachna Keshwani
> 
> On 2/10/10, Countryperson94 at aol.com <Countryperson94 at aol.com> wrote:
> > I know exactly how you feel dear. It doesn't help to fight with them. Like
> > Mary said, write it down and try to talk out sensibly. It's one of the
> > hardest things to endure but I promise you'll get through it. At some point
> > you
> > just have to say "it's my life and I am blind. Deal with it." Maybe not
> > in those terms, but it is your life. Make it what you want it to be.
> > Kelly
> > _______________________________________________
> > Nebraska-students mailing list
> > Nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> > http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org
> > To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> > Nebraska-students:
> > http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org/rachna.keshwani%40gmail.com
> >
> 
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 5
> Date: Wed, 10 Feb 2010 23:04:03 EST
> From: Countryperson94 at aol.com
> To: nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID: <1ded1.7fbcb66b.38a4dbb3 at aol.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> 
> I know. It's sad but very true. 
> Kelly
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
> Message: 6
> Date: Thu, 11 Feb 2010 05:26:17 -0500
> From: Karen Anderson <kea.anderson at gmail.com>
> To: Nebraska Association of Blind Students List
> <nebraska-students at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [Nebraska-students] Parents
> Message-ID:
> <631f35c61002110226w6abcdbc4uff4c51db2d8421ab at mail.gmail.com>
> Content-Type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1
> 
> Rachel and all,
> 
> I think we've hit on one of the toughest questions we face as blind
> people. Its easy for us to say that blindness is just a
> characteristic, like having dark hair or being short, but its hard
> when that isn't how the rest of the world sees it. Especially when its
> family. The one nice thing is that we have each other to bounce ideas
> off of.
> 
> I can't say I have any universal ansers, but here's how I handled things.
> On the surface my family has always been okay with the fact that I'm
> blind. My mom was blind, so it wasn't like it was some huge shock to
> anyone when I became blind too. They always told me that I could do
> anything I wanted, and had high expectations of me. That isn't so
> unlike some other parents of blind kids I know. Mine were okay with
> Braille, and they even encouraged me to have a cane with me at all
> times, though we went everywhere sighted guide with mom on one side of
> dad and me on the other. (Yep, lots of jokes come to mind with that,
> and we all made them and laughed.)
> When I started wanting to use my cane when I walked with Dad, things
> got sticky. When I told Dad I wanted to come to Louisiana for training
> they got downright messy. That wasn't because he doesn't want what's
> best for me. He just thought I already had it covered. We had our fair
> share of yelling matches, especially when I told him that I was
> staying down here an extra semester to finish things up right. I don't
> know that he really gets it now, but we did have a good talk over
> Christmas break. He asked me if I thought it was worth it, if I
> thought I'd made the right decision by coming down here. When I told
> him yes, he asked me why. And rather than telling him the same stuff
> I'd told him a hundred times before, I talked about some of the things
> I've done here that I would have been afraid to do before. I don't
> think he ever realized that I was scared, or uncomfortable with
> certain things, because I never really wanted him to realize it. I
> don't think any of us really like to show weekness, even to the people
> who love us most.
> 
> I couldn't even have come close to having my family be okay with my
> blindness, the fact that I now use a cane that doesn't fold up and
> hide, all of that, until I started being okay with it. I've talked to
> a lot of people, and most of us agree there isn't one specific moment
> when all of a sudden you're just okay with the fact that you're blind.
> It takes time. Having other blind people around you helps, and sighted
> people who treat you like any other person. I personally think going
> to a training center is also a huge help, because everyone is going
> through the same experiences and can offer support. Having your
> parents visit the center with you might help, too, or having them go
> to your center graduation.
> 
> I have a feeling, though I can't really varify this, that one thing
> families are most afraid of when we start going out and exploring
> blindness alternatives, is that we're going to change who we are. We
> start doing things differently, and they wonder if they know us any
> more. The easiest way to combat that, at least for me, has been to
> just go out and keep living my life. If you like to sing, you should
> keep singing, and take your cane on stage with you. If cooking is your
> thing, keep making dinner for your family, just do it using the
> alternatives you learn. Reading, knitting, whatever, just keep doing
> the stuff you love with your family and friends.
> 
> I think its also important to realize that there don't have to be 2
> seperet worlds, your blindness world and the world where your sighted
> friends reside. That pulls you in two directions, and makes your
> family worry that they don't know you or your friends any more. My
> sighted friends and blind friends mix on a fairly regular basis, and I
> don't think many of them really give it much thought any more. A
> friend is a friend, and family is family, whether they can see or not.
> Introducing blind friends to your parents, having them come to
> conventions, all of that helps. My dad's never been too interested in
> the NFB, he's never been to a convention, but we've held plenty of
> parties at our house, and I don't think he really thinks about who's
> blind or sighted any more either.
> 
> Some people said that sometimes family just doesn't get it, and
> doesn't want to get it. Unfortunately, sometimes that's true. i don't
> think we should ever entirely give up, but at some point we have to
> sit down and ask ourselves what's best for us, and do it, regardless
> of whether they understand or not. In the end, as hard as that can be,
> "Its my life."
> 
> Hopefully this helps. If not, I may still be able to get some use out
> of it when I submit it for the record for the longest list post ever
> written.
> 
> Karen
> 
> On 2/10/10, Countryperson94 at aol.com <Countryperson94 at aol.com> wrote:
> > I know. It's sad but very true.
> > Kelly
> > _______________________________________________
> > Nebraska-students mailing list
> > Nebraska-students at nfbnet.org
> > http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org
> > To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
> > Nebraska-students:
> > http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/nebraska-students_nfbnet.org/kea.anderson%40gmail.com
> >
> 
> 
> 
> ------------------------------
> 
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> 
> End of Nebraska-students Digest, Vol 62, Issue 3
> ************************************************

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