[Nfbc-info] FW: [il-talk] 'Tis the season

[Mary Willows]

I am passing this message along to all of you because I thought you would
enjoy it.
Happy holidays.
Mary Willows
-----Original Message-----
From: il-talk [mailto:il-talk-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Don Gillmore
Sent: Thursday, November 07, 2013 12:10 PM
To: il-talk at nfbnet.org
Subject: [il-talk] 'Tis the season

. 'Tis the season for ideologically pure Yule carols Hallmark's offending
ornament highlights need for old songs to toe today's political line. Rex W.
Huppke. As any biblical scholar will tell you, Christmas carols are
meaningful only if their lyrics align perfectly with the singer's ideology.
. If you attempt to sing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" without a
heartfelt belief that reindeer have a God-given right to trample the
elderly, the words undoubtedly ring hollow. So I was surprised last week to
see the greeting card company Hallmark in trouble for making a
sweater-shaped ornament adorned with the words: "Don we now our FUN apparel!
The actual Christmas carol lyrics are: "Don we now our gay apparel. Hallmark
officials said they were trying to make the words more current, but liberals
and conservatives both took umbrage. Conservatives felt changing "gay" to
"fun" was an example of political correctness run amok, and the only thing
worse for a conservative than amok-running political correctness is gay
people co-opting the festive word "gay. Liberals suspected Hallmark was
having a homophobic reaction to the word "gay," presuming, I suppose, that
the company was guilty of catering to the coveted "bigoted ornament
purchaser" demographic. Regardless of which side was right -- and because we
live in a politically polarized country, I'll assume both were right --
Hallmark did us a great service by drawing attention to the ideological
impurity of many Christmas songs. To right this wrong, I assembled the
lyrics to some of the more popular Christmas carols and scoured them for
words or phrases that might be offensive to liberals or conservatives. Here
are the results, along with recommendations to make sure our holiday songs
pair nicely with each person's politics. For liberals: The song "Deck the
Halls," which contains the aforementioned gay apparel reference, has another
problematic phrase: "See the blazing yule before us. That refers to a large
log, usually burned in a fireplace on Christmas Eve. This raises concerns
over carbon emissions and deforestation. The lyric should read: "See the
blazing hi-def fireplace iPad app before us. In "A Holly Jolly Christmas,"
the lyrics refer to "the best time of the year. This is potentially
offensive to other times of the year and should be changed to: "a time of
year that's equally as good as any other. The classic "White Christmas" is,
of course, completely racist and must be banished entirely from liberal
holiday songbooks. "Frosty the Snowman" is a nearly flawless carol, aside
from the nettlesome fact that his eyes are "made out of coal. More
environmentally friendly eyes are in order, preferably "eyes made out of
locally grown edamame soybeans. The line from "The Christmas Song" that
refers to "folks dressed up like Eskimos" may be insulting to indigenous
peoples and should be generalized to: "folks dressed up in culturally
authentic regional garb. For conservatives: The classic "Here Comes Santa
Claus" contains the phrase: "He doesn't care if you're rich or poor, he
loves you just the same. That clearly does not encourage American
exceptionalism and should be changed to: "He only cares that you lift
yourself up by the bootstraps without governmental assistance. "I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus" does not reflect decent family values and should be
thrown on the yule log. (Yule log is fine for conservative carols.) "Feliz
Navidad" is a wonderful tune, but it must be sung ONLY in English. While
well-intentioned, "Joy to the World" makes America sound weak on foreign
policy. It should be tweaked to read: "Joy to America and to Any Other
Country That Does Not Present a Threat to Our Safety and Sovereignty.
Finally, in "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the bearded man from the North
Pole is "making a list and checking it twice. That sounds too much like
centralized government picking winners and losers. The preferred phrasing
would be: "He's allowing the free market to decide who is worthy. A couple
of other songs might be of concern to both liberals and conservatives.
"Winter Wonderland" refers to a snowman called "Parson Brown. The liberal
version should include a nondenominational justice of the peace who could be
either a snowman or snowwoman. Conservatives should opt for an evangelical
Christian snowman. Also, liberals need the song to make clear that the
marriage in question is available to opposite- or same-sex couples, while
conservatives must assert that meadow marriages are only between a man and a
woman. "The Twelve Days of Christmas," for liberals, creates problems with
the gender-demeaning "maids a-milking" and "ladies dancing," along with
"geese a-laying," which hints at animals living in confinement. For
conservatives, the song presents only one problem: Who the heck would
celebrate Christmas with "French" hens? 
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