[NFBofSC] Surviving Domestic Violence: I Found My Way Out

[Steve Cook]

I received permission to share this message. > 
> Content Warning: The information found below has the potential to hurt 
> or retraumatize others. Please prepare to read about the difficult 
> topic of domestic violence.
> 
> I am Cheryl Fields, one of six dynamic and diverse women that are the 
> National Federation of the Blind Survivor Task Force.
> 
> The pathway of healing and peace is the journey of a lifetime. There's 
> that "ah ha" moment of awareness, then, the question, "now what?"
> 
> What is domestic violence? the United Nations definition uses this language.
> "Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner 
> violence," can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship 
> that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate 
> partner. It is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological 
> actions or threats of actions that influence another person.
> 
> I was seventeen the first time my boyfriend hit me. Our tears mingled 
> together as he graphically detailed how I was responsible for his 
> actions and what would be necessary to prevent him from assaulting me 
> again. I believed him. We tearfully apologized to each other, and I 
> got a treat, the first of many dozens of beautiful long stem red roses 
> and an afternoon of make-up sex. One of my aunts is a survivor of 
> intimate partner abuse, and she was not fooled by my boyfriend. She warned me that the "love of my life"
> was not a good dude and to get out while I could. Of course, I didn't 
> listen to Auntie's warning. Her words couldn't compete with my teenage libido.
> Eventually, I married that boyfriend, and we started a family. The 
> violence escalated, and the gifts were elevated, but the exquisite 
> roses remained the same, with sharper thorns, gouging deep wounds that 
> I thought would never heal.
> 
> The burning question on the lips of observers is, "Why? Why did you 
> stay for so long?" It's difficult to express the amount of shame, 
> guilt, and fear associated with intimate partner abuse. When a victim 
> is terrorized by their abuser who consistently reinforces how 
> unappealing and inadequate the victim is, the stripping away of 
> her/his self-esteem/self-worth can cause the victim to believe the 
> abuser. In spite of his/her many flaws, the perpetrator manipulates 
> the victim into believing he/she is the only person who is able to 
> love the victim. The fact that my family warned me, and I didn't 
> listen, contributed to the guilt I felt and magnified my inability to 
> make good choices. Instead, I chose to stay and work harder to be a better mother, wife, and lover while pretending to be happy.
> 
> That strategy did not work. Variations of the assault repeated 
> themselves for many years. Then I had another "ah ha" moment and 
> didn't know what to do or where to go; I became blind in 1983. At the 
> time, my daughter was two years old and my son was five. Not long 
> after I became blind, I attended the funeral of a classmate I'd known 
> since childhood. Her name was Sharon. I learned that, as her young son 
> and brother watched in horror, she was murdered by her soon-to-be 
> ex-husband. Feeling the grief that day uncovered and exposed the 
> truth. My own life was out of control, and that made me fearful of the 
> future for me and my children. Within a few short months, I filed for 
> divorce and fled the city with my children. I wasn't healthy, happy, 
> or safe and didn't know what to do so again, I faked it until I figured it out. Some years later, while sitting in a support group, "Ah ha!"
> happened again. I learned about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). 
> This knowledge made me feel really good. My problem was identified at 
> last, but I did nothing about it. I was just happy to know I was not the only one.
> 
> PTSD is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a "mental condition that's 
> triggered by a terrifying event. Either experiencing it or witnessing 
> it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety as 
> well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event." For many years, I 
> was unaware of this condition, and I was a contradiction of emotions 
> and actions, constantly angry and depressed while being an 
> overachiever, the rescue squad for others when I was barely hanging on by a thread.
> 
> Merriam Webster defines healing as "A. to make free from injury or 
> disease; B. to make sound or whole." I eventually became intentional 
> and determined to live a whole life free of injury, hurt, and trauma.
> Is it easy? No, but it is worth the journey. Am I better? Absolutely. 
> After years of believing that being a victim defined me, I put the 
> work into affirming and reaffirming who I am and how I choose to live 
> my life, believing I have the right to live the life I want!
> 
> I have the right to experience hope, joy, love, and peace with every 
> new sunrise!
> 
> If you or someone you know is a victim of relationship abuse, there is hope.
> Contact your local domestic violence center, the Rape Abuse and Incest 
> National Network (RAINN), or the NFB Survivor Taskforce for support or 
> additional resources and don't give up!
> 
> - Cheryl Fields
> 
> 
> Resources:
> 
> 
> nfb.org/survivors <https://nfb.org/survivors> survivors at nfb.org 
> <mailto:survivors at nfb.org> 410-659-9314, extension 2238
> 
> 
> RAINN
> 
> 
> Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673), visit 
> the online hotline at hotline.rainn.org <https://hotline.rainn.org/>
>