[nfbwatlk] understanding our reaction to proffered help

[Mary ellen]

It's possible to understand the underlying beliefs behind an offer of help
while appreciating the courteous intent.

 

Don describes a situation in which a woman acts on her assumption that Don
would be unable to determine whether the coast was clear without the
information she provided.  Her assumption is incorrect in his case at that
time.  If her assumption had been accurate, her help would have been
essential.  It was not correct, so her help was superfluous.  That's really
all Don was saying.  The woman made an assumption that was inaccurate.
Assumptions like that go to the heart of one of our most significant
problems.  We are presumed to be less aware of what's happening around us
than we are.  That assumption leads to decisions that tend to exclude us
from things that matter.  For example, blind people are still not routinely
trusted minding young children because we're not perceived as being able to
know what they're doing and therefore are thought to be unable to keep them
safe.

 

It's very possible to observe and recognize inaccurate assumptions without
being offended by them.  It's also quite reasonable to be frustrated by
ignorance, no matter how well intentioned.

 

Rudeness did not happen in this case.  Rudeness is not an appropriate way
for human beings to deal with one another.  I know of no responsible person
anywhere who advocates that blind people be rude to the public.  If some
blind people choose to be rude, what can we do about it?  We certainly can't
tell them, "Sorry, you can't be blind anymore!"

 

I have personally been in situations on many occasions where I politely
declined help and was called rude.  There have also been occasions where my
frustration about the assumption of incompetence came through despite my
preference not to let it show.  

 

We need to be kind to sighted people who are acting out of well-intentioned
ignorance.  We also need to be kinder to ourselves and to one another when
we don't live up to the level of courtesy we all prefer.  Every human being
I've ever known has been snappish once in a while.

 

There are times when behavior needs to be directly challenged and subtle
hints just don't cut it.  A very good friend teaches me tai chi.  In class,
it's essential that she describe the moves in detail and physically show me
when her verbal instructions aren't sufficient.  Outside of class, it can
get annoying when she does the same thing.  Most of the time I just listen
to her overabundant info about steps, fence posts, and other environmental
information.  A few days ago she started telling me things about my stairway
at home.  I finally said, in an unmistakably stern tone, "Catherine, I live
here."  She got the point.  If I had given her a long, gentle explanation,
she would have felt embarrassed and the incident would have loomed large.
Bluntness in that instance solved the problem quickly with the minimum
amount of fuss.

 

Rebellious independence is a necessary step on the road to true first class
status.  It's not a pleasant passage for anyone, but without passing through
rebellious independence a person really cannot internalize strong
self-confidence.  Getting stuck in rebellious independence is like getting
stuck in adolescence.  

 

My kids are either just out of adolescence or smack dab in the middle of it.
I would be genuinely worried about them if they were always placid and never
questioned my authority as a parent.  I insist on mutual civility (most of
the time) but their sometimes snarky rebellions tell me they're on the way
to genuine maturity.  They are most likely to get short tempered and even
rude when they believe their personhood and competence is being
disrespected.  As a blind person, I really get that!