[nfbwatlk] understanding our reaction to proffered help

[Arielle Silverman]

Hi Mary Ellen,
A couple points you raised really speak to me. First, your example
with your friend shows that appropriate behavior is
situation-specific. Her abundant descriptions are appropriate in tai
chi but over the line in your house. Similarly, the lady who spoke to
Don was making an inaccurate assumption that day. But what if there
had been a construction truck or other loud noise going at the time?
Then, a hint about a break in traffic might have been
much-appreciated. Because our needs and preferences vary so much
between situations, I maintain that the most courteous way for sighted
people to interact with us is simply to ask if we need help and let us
decide what we think is appropriate in that moment.
Second, it's interesting how you describe rebellious independence
because my own rebellious independent stage coincided with my
adolescence. I spent several years struggling to gain age-appropriate
independence from parents who meant well but who harbored their own
wrong assumptions about blindness. Around that time I was frequently
admonished not to be rude to well-meaning peers and adults who were
"just trying to help" when they grabbed me or or were otherwise
disrespectful. In fact, I still have a bit of a negative reputation
among family for being "too independent". I was rebellious then, a
little rude, but I really believe in retrospect that I had no other
choice. It was because I refused to succumb to these assumptions that
I was able to succeed in college and work and teach myself how to have
high expectations for myself and eventually find people who treated me
like a competent person. Today I reach out to parents of blind
children in hopes that these children can learn more positive messages
about their blindness and how to handle inappropriate interactions
from the public. I am forever grateful to the NFB for helping me
understand how I deserve to be treated.
Arielle

On 12/13/14, Mary ellen via nfbwatlk <nfbwatlk at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> It's possible to understand the underlying beliefs behind an offer of help
> while appreciating the courteous intent.
>
>
>
> Don describes a situation in which a woman acts on her assumption that Don
> would be unable to determine whether the coast was clear without the
> information she provided.  Her assumption is incorrect in his case at that
> time.  If her assumption had been accurate, her help would have been
> essential.  It was not correct, so her help was superfluous.  That's really
> all Don was saying.  The woman made an assumption that was inaccurate.
> Assumptions like that go to the heart of one of our most significant
> problems.  We are presumed to be less aware of what's happening around us
> than we are.  That assumption leads to decisions that tend to exclude us
> from things that matter.  For example, blind people are still not routinely
> trusted minding young children because we're not perceived as being able to
> know what they're doing and therefore are thought to be unable to keep them
> safe.
>
>
>
> It's very possible to observe and recognize inaccurate assumptions without
> being offended by them.  It's also quite reasonable to be frustrated by
> ignorance, no matter how well intentioned.
>
>
>
> Rudeness did not happen in this case.  Rudeness is not an appropriate way
> for human beings to deal with one another.  I know of no responsible person
> anywhere who advocates that blind people be rude to the public.  If some
> blind people choose to be rude, what can we do about it?  We certainly
> can't
> tell them, "Sorry, you can't be blind anymore!"
>
>
>
> I have personally been in situations on many occasions where I politely
> declined help and was called rude.  There have also been occasions where my
> frustration about the assumption of incompetence came through despite my
> preference not to let it show.
>
>
>
> We need to be kind to sighted people who are acting out of well-intentioned
> ignorance.  We also need to be kinder to ourselves and to one another when
> we don't live up to the level of courtesy we all prefer.  Every human being
> I've ever known has been snappish once in a while.
>
>
>
> There are times when behavior needs to be directly challenged and subtle
> hints just don't cut it.  A very good friend teaches me tai chi.  In class,
> it's essential that she describe the moves in detail and physically show me
> when her verbal instructions aren't sufficient.  Outside of class, it can
> get annoying when she does the same thing.  Most of the time I just listen
> to her overabundant info about steps, fence posts, and other environmental
> information.  A few days ago she started telling me things about my
> stairway
> at home.  I finally said, in an unmistakably stern tone, "Catherine, I live
> here."  She got the point.  If I had given her a long, gentle explanation,
> she would have felt embarrassed and the incident would have loomed large.
> Bluntness in that instance solved the problem quickly with the minimum
> amount of fuss.
>
>
>
> Rebellious independence is a necessary step on the road to true first class
> status.  It's not a pleasant passage for anyone, but without passing
> through
> rebellious independence a person really cannot internalize strong
> self-confidence.  Getting stuck in rebellious independence is like getting
> stuck in adolescence.
>
>
>
> My kids are either just out of adolescence or smack dab in the middle of
> it.
> I would be genuinely worried about them if they were always placid and
> never
> questioned my authority as a parent.  I insist on mutual civility (most of
> the time) but their sometimes snarky rebellions tell me they're on the way
> to genuine maturity.  They are most likely to get short tempered and even
> rude when they believe their personhood and competence is being
> disrespected.  As a blind person, I really get that!
>
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