[Ohio-Talk] In the May 2020 Braille Monitor, "The Blessed Blind Big Brother"

[Suzanne Turner]

The Blessed Blind Big Brother


by Shawn Callaway

>From the Editor: Shawn Callaway is a husband, father, breadwinner, the
affiliate president for the District of Columbia, and a member of the
National Federation of the Blind Board of Directors. But before he became
all these things, he was a younger man, who had family responsibilities.
Like Shawn, I am the oldest sibling. As the oldest we are told we need to
model good behavior for the younger children, but it isn't until they become
adults that they tell you how they looked to us for guidance, strength, and
what they might become. Here is Shawn's experience:

For the first ten years of my life, I did not have siblings, and my mother's
siblings did not have children either. Even though I enjoyed the extra
attention from loved ones, I had a burning desire to be a big brother and
not an only child. In 1982 my wish was fulfilled after the arrival of my
little brother Anthony. In 1987 I was blessed with another sibling after the
arrival of my baby sister Fern. 

During my pre-teen and adolescent years, being a big brother was truly a joy
and an honor. I participated in sibling activities such as playing Nintendo
with my brother and playing dolls with my sister. I was often charged by my
parents to take my siblings to the playground. Seeing the smiles on my
sibling's faces as they played on the monkey bars or in the sandbox was a
sight to behold.

Most importantly, as a big brother I was anointed to provide guidance and
advice when necessary. Often my brother would ask for advice, and we would
have discussions on subjects ranging from navigating friendships to how to
avoid getting in trouble with our parents. My sister was a toddler, and she
made sure that I coddled her when she wanted to be coddled. I also read
books to her when she wanted to be read to. 

In 1990 I decided to attend college in South Carolina. Although I was
excited to move eight hours away from home, I felt some sense of sadness
because I truly missed my brother and sister. However, during my second year
in college my life dramatically changed. Due to a horrific accident, I lost
my eyesight and had to return home. As I traveled back from South Carolina,
there were many questions I asked myself. The primary question was "As a
blind person, how will my siblings treat me?" Even though my brother and
sister were nine and four, it truly mattered how they felt about me as a big
brother. 

When I returned home, I was happy to learn that the relationship did not
change. At nine my brother understood that I was blind, and he quickly
adapted to it. On the other hand, my sister was too young to understand my
blindness, and it took time for her to adjust to my vision loss. It happened
at about four-and-a-half. One day she sat in my lap and asked me to read her
a book. I told her "Fern, I cannot read a book to you because I am blind."
My sister paused and said, "That's right, you are blind, so I am going to
get a book and read to you." This scenario warmed my heart, and I was in for
a wonderful supportive ride with my siblings. To them I was still the big
brother. 

As the years passed, they continued to seek advice and guidance from me. My
brother would ask me questions about girls and sports. My sister would ask
questions about choosing a college and the process of buying a home. More
importantly, when I provided them with constructive criticism, they were
never dismissive of my comments or suggestions. In addition, if my siblings
had an issue with me, they had no problems expressing their feelings. 

Observers who are reading this article may say to themselves "Siblings are
supposed to be supportive and caring for their loved one who has become
blind or disabled." However, as a facilitator of a peer support group for
people experiencing vision loss, I have encountered siblings of people who
are blind or disabled who have received negative emotional feelings because
of their sibling's disability. These feelings include resentment,
embarrassment, and feeling as though they are a parent and not a brother or
sister. First, feelings of resentment manifest within a sibling because they
may feel that all of the attention has been diverted to the disabled
sibling. Once a family member acquires a disability, other family members
tend to focus on the disabled loved one at all times. The ongoing special
attention tends to occur because the parents may feel that the primary focus
should be on the disabled child. Also, special attention toward the disabled
sibling can occur at extended family outings and reunions. This attention
may cause a sibling to feel isolated and withdrawn. Secondly, some siblings
feel embarrassed being out in public with their disabled sibling. The
feelings of embarrassment further escalate because the sibling watches
people stare and whisper to themselves about his/her disabled sibling. This
may cause the sibling to feel ashamed and unhappy about the unwanted
attention. Lastly, some siblings feel parentified because their disabled
sibling is not independent and may require constant assistance with daily
needs. This is most common for the sibling of an individual who has
experienced vision loss. If you are a blind person who has not obtained
independent living skills, you are going to be extremely dependent on close
family members and friends. Therefore the sibling is placed in a position of
feeling as if they must always care for the daily needs of his/her disabled
sibling. This can cause high levels of stress and anxiety. 

As I continue to facilitate a peer support group, I have encouraged siblings
to locate and participate in support groups and organizations for siblings
of individuals with disabilities. Also, I have encouraged siblings and other
family members to seek family and group counseling to address negative
feelings developed from interacting with their disabled loved one. Support
groups and group counseling can assist siblings in releasing any suppressed
emotions they may possess toward their disabled sibling. Also, disabled
siblings will be able to freely express themselves about their life as a
disabled person. This is especially important if the sibling recently
acquired the disability. 

Adjusting to having a disability is not only difficult for the sibling who
acquires it but for all family members and friends who play an integral part
in the life of the disabled sibling. 
Recently I had a conversation with my siblings, and I asked them if they
experienced resentment, embarrassment, or feelings of being a parent because
of my blindness. My siblings emphatically said no to the above questions and
made it clear that my blindness was never an issue to them. Credit for my
siblings' feelings must be given to our parents. Whatever situations or
circumstances that have occurred within the lives of my siblings and I, my
parents have always made sure to treat us equally, and neither my siblings
nor I received more attention than the other. Also I am truly blessed to
have uncles, aunts, cousins, and close family friends who have been
supportive of me and have given my siblings the equal attention and support
they deserve. 
Anthony and Fern are now thirty-seven and thirty-two years old respectively,
and they are leading productive lives. Anthony works for Maryland Park and
Planning as a recreational counselor providing guidance and assistance to
children with disabilities. Fern is a senior health analyst for an agency in
Washington, DC. My siblings have provided me support as I continue my tenure
as president of the National Federation of the Blind of the District of
Columbia. They have volunteered and participated in several Federation
events including fundraisers, community outreach events, and state and
national conventions. 

Over the years I have received awards for my volunteer and advocacy efforts
for the blind and disabled community. The recognition ranges from receiving
the NFB of DC Community Services Division Oliver Washington P.A.C.E Award to
receiving a citation from United States Senator Chris Van Hollen for my work
in bringing awareness to the lack of employment opportunities for blind
people. However, my most cherished award was received in a parked car in
Washington, DC. My sister gave me a ride home from a family event, and when
I began to get out of the car my sister told me to stick out my hand. When I
reached my right hand toward her, it touched her arm. On her arm were dots.
I asked my sister, "Why do you have dots on your arm?" She said, "The dots
are a Braille tattoo that spells love." I asked my sister what made her get
a tattoo in Braille? She replied, "It is to honor you and to show you how
proud I am of you." She also said that the tattoo is in recognition of the
blind community. After entering my home I sat on my couch, and tears began
rolling down my face. The tears represented the happiness I felt from my
sister's recognition of me, but the tears also represented my recognizing
that I am a blessed blind big brother. 

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