[stylist] sample of work rewritten. Is it any better?

[helene ryles]

Thankyou for everyone who has helped so far.
I've been rewritting the sample as a few things accured to me about my
work. When I reread it to try and make their destination a little
clearer it occured to me that they wouldn't be making their way
lesurely to the infirmary with Paril. So I've rewritten the whole
section and hope this is an emprovement:

  "Paril?" Hari called out into the silent desert air.   Hari wondered
 where Paril had got to.  Paril was supposed to have stayed on camp
with him while the other men went out to hunt for a dragon.   Hari
didn't take any part in the actual hunting or slaying of dragons.  His
job was to treat any wounds that the team mates came back with.  Only
today  Venom had given him the extra task of making sure  Paril stayed
on camp.  He must have given him the slip while he'd been clearing
away the breakfast things.   Since then  there had been no sound of
him anywhere on camp or the surrounding area either.
Just then he heard his name being called.  He headed in that
direction.  Nimbly avoiding  several obstacle that his cane came into
contact with.
"Hari! You were asked to mind Paril" Venom called out.  Running up to
him.  He was panting heavily.
"Don't be so hard on  him.  The guy is blind too…"  Interposed a team
mate whilst  gasping for breath.  The two men must have  run all the
way back to camp.
"He's a Blind Murdag!   We expect things from our Blind members.  We
don't keep them locked away like our best china in the way you Skunki
do with yours.  So I'd appreciate it if you just minded your own
bloody business and let me deal with him…"
It seemed that Paril had somehow managed to join the other slayers.
It had been his reckless determination to get into the line of
conflict with the dragon that had almost cost the life of another
slayer.
Paril hadn't even been throwing his spear in the right direction.
Narrowly missing another slayer.   It was just as well that nobody had
trusted him with any of the fire sticks that the men used to maim and
distract the dragon, while Venom got ready to cast one of his lethal
curses that would finish him off.
Paril had made it hard for everyone to manoeuvre  without accidentally
harming him in the process.  Shirn had risked his own life to push
Paril out of harms way.  Just as he did so the injured dragon blasting
a volley of flames at Shirn's exposed legs before taking flight.
"Ah there they are.  Taken your time didn't you…" snarled Venom as two
more men came panting up.  Hari heard them putting  Paril and Shirn
down.  Before making a hasty retreat.
"Right Hari,  Just give Paril a brief check over while I load Shirn
onto a carpet.  He's not part of the team any more so it really
doesn't matter whether he makes it or not…"
"You can keep your hands off me you bloody faggot.  I'm not wounded…"
objected Paril as Hari tried to check him for burns.
"Really Paril, Blindness isn't as bad as you think it is.  Once you
learn the necessary blind skills you will find you can do anything you
want.  Except for slaying Dragons…" Hari told his ex colleague.
"Come on Hari! Just leave him to stew.  I left the brats to clear away
the spears and fire sticks.  I'd like to know what's keeping them!  I
don't have time to hang around! Everyone  is to pack up camp and
follow us to Port Nisea. We're taking Shirn to the hospital there…"
ordered Venom.   Hari headed towards the sound of Venom's voice.   His
cane coming into contact with the rough fabric of the carpet where
Venom was waiting along with Shirn's semi conscious form.   Ready to
set off in all haste to Port Nisea infirmary.
   "Well I know the sort of things you get up to.    Can't you and
that infuriating bat get it into your heads that I don't need your
blind skills as I'm not blind" Yelled Paril.  Just as Venom, Shirn and
Hari took off on their  flying carpet.
The last Hari heard was Paril tripping over followed by several
hostile jeers from the other slayers.    They were all extremely angry
with Paril.
 "Just concentrate on the right leg. I think that leg can be saved but
 the other will just have to be amputated."  instructed Venom as they
all clung to the carpet which was moving as fast as Venom could make
it go.  Venom was particularly furious because Shirn had been one of
his best slayers.  Shirn's legs were now badly burnt.
"I think they both need to go" Shirn whispered.  Gasping with pain,
"Please don't be too hard on Paril.  We were such good friends…Try and
understand what he's going through…"
"Well I don't have any sympathy.  He used to be a good slayer, so I
was meaning to give him simple jobs to do until he was better adapted
to his blindness but I'm damned if I'm going to waste any more time on
the wretched dog.   I've been trying  to send him for some training
with old bat features.  He's been refusing to go.  He wouldn't let
Hari teach him  anything either.   Should think himself lucky I've not
cursed him out of existence!"
   Hari sighed.  Venom had spoken harshly but for once Hari couldn't
disagree.  Whenever Hari had tried to get through to Paril he'd been
quick to bring his sexuality into the conversation, along with all
sorts of lies that his crazy wife Savasha came up with.  Despite this,
 Hari couldn't help but pity the guy. It was clear to everyone else on
the team that Paril's sight had been deteriorating for months.  It was
due to some sort of human ailment called retinitis pigmentosa which
was quite rare for people with demon blood to inherit.   He was also
in deep denial.    It was as if Paril believed that the total
rejection of everything to do with blindness would somehow prevent his
sight from leaving him completely.  Hari could only hope he came to
his senses soon.