[stylist] sample of work rewritten. Is it any better?

[LoriStay at aol.com]

Some suggestions (on only part of this material) from an editing perspective, 
interspersed with the text.   Read on...
In a message dated 10/25/08 12:33:13 AM, dreamavdb at googlemail.com writes:


> 
> 
>   "Paril?" Hari called out into the silent desert air.   Hari wondered
> where Paril had got to.  Paril was supposed to have stayed on camp
> with him
> 
Do you mean in camp?

>  while the other men went out to hunt for a dragon.   Hari
> didn't take any part in the actual hunting or slaying of dragons.  His
> job was to treat any wounds that the team mates came back with. 
> 
teammates is one word

>  Only
> today  Venom had given him the extra task of making sure  Paril stayed
> on camp.
> 
I think you do mean in camp.   I've never heard the phrase "on camp" before.
Unless you have a reason for this odd phrase, such as it means staying on a 
camel, then you might want to go through your text and fix it wherever it 
appears.

>   He must have given him the slip while he'd been clearing
> away the breakfast things.   Since then  there had been no sound of
> him anywhere on camp or the surrounding area either.
> Just then he heard his name being called. 
> 
Try to avoid repetition of words if they aren't absolutely necessary.   The 
second use of the word "then" can be eliminated.   Begin the sentence with "He 
heard..."   And I think I'd use his name also.   You have several men to refer 
back to.   So whose name is being called?

>  He headed in that
> direction.  Nimbly avoiding  several obstacle that his cane came into
> contact with.
> 
You might want to combine the two sentences:   He headed in that direction, 
nimbly avoiding...
because if you don't, you've got a sentence fragment.

> "Hari! You were asked to mind Paril" Venom called out.  Running up to
> him. 
> 
Same comment.   Venom called out, running....

>  He was panting heavily.
> "Don't be so hard on  him.  The guy is blind too…"  Interposed a team
> mate whilst  gasping for breath. 
> 
as the word "interposed" is part of a sentence, it doesn't need to be 
capitalized.   

>  The two men must have  run all the
> way back to camp.
> "He's a Blind Murdag!   We expect things from our Blind members.  We
> don't keep them locked away like our best china in the way you Skunki
> do with yours.  So I'd appreciate it if you just minded your own
> bloody business and let me deal with him…"
> It seemed that Paril had somehow managed to join the other slayers.
> It had been his reckless determination to get into the line of
> conflict with the dragon that had almost cost the life of another
> slayer.
> 
Here's another case where you might want to combine two sentences, not to 
avoid a sentence fragment, but to get rid of the words "It had been":   ...Paril 
had somehow managed to join the other slayers in his reckless determination...

> Paril hadn't even been throwing his spear in the right direction.
> Narrowly missing another slayer. 
> 
"Narrowly missing..." etc is a sentence fragment.   Try:   Paril hadn't even 
been throwing his spear in the right direction, narrowly missing... (combine 
with comma to produce one independent clause and one dependent clause as part 
of the sentence.

That's as far as I'll go, but you see that you might want to rethink your 
sentence structures.   This is not a comment about content, by the way.
Lori

>   It was just as well that nobody had
> trusted him with any of the fire sticks that the men used to maim and
> distract the dragon, while Venom got ready to cast one of his lethal
> curses that would finish him off.
> Paril had made it hard for everyone to manoeuvre  without accidentally
> harming him in the process.  Shirn had risked his own life to push
> Paril out of harms way.  Just as he did so the injured dragon blasting
> a volley of flames at Shirn's exposed legs before taking flight.
> "Ah there they are.  Taken your time didn't you…" snarled Venom as two
> more men came panting up.  Hari heard them putting  Paril and Shirn
> down.  Before making a hasty retreat.
> "Right Hari,  Just give Paril a brief check over while I load Shirn
> onto a carpet.  He's not part of the team any more so it really
> doesn't matter whether he makes it or not…"
> "You can keep your hands off me you bloody faggot.  I'm not wounded…"
> objected Paril as Hari tried to check him for burns.
> "Really Paril, Blindness isn't as bad as you think it is.  Once you
> learn the necessary blind skills you will find you can do anything you
> want.  Except for slaying Dragons…" Hari told his ex colleague.
> "Come on Hari! Just leave him to stew.  I left the brats to clear away
> the spears and fire sticks.  I'd like to know what's keeping them!  I
> don't have time to hang around! Everyone  is to pack up camp and
> follow us to Port Nisea. We're taking Shirn to the hospital there…"
> ordered Venom.   Hari headed towards the sound of Venom's voice.   His
> cane coming into contact with the rough fabric of the carpet where
> Venom was waiting along with Shirn's semi conscious form.   Ready to
> set off in all haste to Port Nisea infirmary.
>    "Well I know the sort of things you get up to.    Can't you and
> that infuriating bat get it into your heads that I don't need your
> blind skills as I'm not blind" Yelled Paril.  Just as Venom, Shirn and
> Hari took off on their  flying carpet.
> The last Hari heard was Paril tripping over followed by several
> hostile jeers from the other slayers.    They were all extremely angry
> with Paril.
> "Just concentrate on the right leg. I think that leg can be saved but
> the other will just have to be amputated."  instructed Venom as they
> all clung to the carpet which was moving as fast as Venom could make
> it go.  Venom was particularly furious because Shirn had been one of
> his best slayers.  Shirn's legs were now badly burnt.
> "I think they both need to go" Shirn whispered.  Gasping with pain,
> "Please don't be too hard on Paril.  We were such good friends…Try and
> understand what he's going through…"
> "Well I don't have any sympathy.  He used to be a good slayer, so I
> was meaning to give him simple jobs to do until he was better adapted
> to his blindness but I'm damned if I'm going to waste any more time on
> the wretched dog.   I've been trying  to send him for some training
> with old bat features.  He's been refusing to go.  He wouldn't let
> Hari teach him  anything either.   Should think himself lucky I've not
> cursed him out of existence!"
>    Hari sighed.  Venom had spoken harshly but for once Hari couldn't
> disagree.  Whenever Hari had tried to get through to Paril he'd been
> quick to bring his sexuality into the conversation, along with all
> sorts of lies that his crazy wife Savasha came up with.  Despite this,
> Hari couldn't help but pity the guy. It was clear to everyone else on
> the team that Paril's sight had been deteriorating for months.  It was
> due to some sort of human ailment called retinitis pigmentosa which
> was quite rare for people with demon blood to inherit.   He was also
> in deep denial.    It was as if Paril believed that the total
> rejection of everything to do with blindness would somehow prevent his
> sight from leaving him completely.  Hari could only hope he came to
> his senses soon.
> 
> 




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