[stylist] sample of work rewritten. 3rd attempt.

[helene ryles]

Thankyou for everyone who has helped so far.
I've been rewritting the sample as a few things accured to me about my
work. When I reread it to try and make their destination a little
clearer it occured to me that they wouldn't be making their way
lesurely to the infirmary with Paril. So I've rewritten the whole
section and hope this is an emprovement:

  Chapter 3:

  "Paril? I've come to show you how to use a long cane…" Hari Murdag
called as he stood listening in front of Paril's tent.  He heard
exactly the same snores that he had heard earlier on.  Their was
something unnatural  about the noise he was hearing.
"Wake up Paril! you are going to have to face facts eventually" Hari
yelled.   Still the same snoring noise.   Then silence.  Then their
was a click a whirring noise and the snores started up again.
Hesitantly Hari opened  Paril's tent and went in.  There was nobody
there.  He felt something hard under the bed.   A tape recorder.   So
that's where the sounds had come from.   Paril had enchanted his tape
recorder to play repetitively without batteries.    How could he have
been taken in so easily.  After all he'd once played the same trick
himself.
"Paril!" he called into the desert air around him.   Not really
expecting a response.  Hari wondered  where Paril had got to.  Paril
was supposed to have stayed on camp with him while the other men went
out to hunt for a dragon.   Hari didn't take any part in the actual
hunting or slaying of dragons.  His job was to treat any wounds that
the team mates came back with.
Today his half brother Venom had given him the extra task of making
sure  Paril stayed on camp.  Paril must have given him the slip while
he'd been busy clearing away the breakfast things.    That's when he
must have pressed his tape recorder on play.  So it sounded like he'd
gone back to sleep.
 Just then he heard his name being called.  He headed in that
direction.  Nimbly avoiding  several obstacle that his cane came into
contact with.
"Hari! You were asked to mind Paril!" Venom called out.  Running up to
him.  He was panting heavily.
"Don't be so hard on  him.  The guy is blind too…"  Interposed a team
mate whilst  gasping for breath.  The two men must have  run all the
way back to camp.
"He's a Blind Murdag!   We expect things from our Blind members.  We
don't keep them locked away like our best china in the way you Skunki
do with yours.  So I'd appreciate it if you just minded your own
bloody business…"
It seemed that Paril had managed to join the other slayers.  Thirteen
year old  Mitzi  Murdag had heard him stumbling about while loitering
with the other under aged slayers.  Paril had ordered Mitzi to take
him to his other team mates so that was what Mitzi did.   Venom was
still very angry with Mitzi.   Although personally Hari felt that it
was Venom's own fault for press ganging under aged family members into
his team in the first place.     Not that Mitzi was a particularly
biddable child, but Venom had threatened him with the painful curse
next time he failed to obey the orders of an adult slayer.
To bring down one of the smaller green dragons the men usually threw
spears and lighted fire sticks at them.  It was not easy to kill a
dragon that way but it usually maimed and distracted them.   Whilst
that went on Venom would hit the dragon with a lethal curse which
would usually finished him off.
It had been very difficult to accomplish this today since Paril had
been in the way.    Making  it hard for everyone to manoeuvre  without
accidentally harming him in the process.  Shirn had risked his life to
push Paril out of harms way.  Just as he did so the injured dragon
blasted a volley of flames at Shirn's exposed legs,  before taking
flight.
"Ah there you are.  Taken your time didn't you…" snarled Venom as two
more men came panting up.  Hari heard them putting  Paril and Shirn
down.  Before making a hasty retreat.  Nobody liked to cross Venom
when he was in one of his rages.
"Right Hari,  Just give Paril a brief check over while I load Shirn
onto a carpet.  He's not part of the team any more so it really
doesn't matter whether he makes it or not…"
"You can keep your hands off me you bloody faggot.  I'm not wounded…"
objected Paril as Hari tried to check him for burns.
"Really Paril, Blindness isn't as bad as you think it is.  Once you
learn the necessary blind skills you will find you can do anything you
want.  Except for slaying Dragons…" Hari told his ex colleague.
"Come on Hari! Just leave him to stew.  I left the brats to clear away
the spears and fire sticks.  I'd like to know what's keeping them!  I
haven't finished with Mitzi yet, still I don't have time to hang
around! Everyone  is to pack up camp and follow us to Port Nisea.
We're taking Shirn to the hospital there…"  ordered Venom.   Hari
headed towards the sound of Venom's voice.   His cane coming into
contact with the rough fabric of the carpet where Venom was waiting
along with Shirn's semi conscious form.   Ready to set off in all
haste to Port Nisea infirmary.
   "Well I know the sort of things you get up to.    Can't you and
that infuriating bat get it into your heads that I don't need your
blind skills as I'm not blind" Yelled Paril.  Just as Venom, Shirn and
Hari took off on their  flying carpet.
The last Hari heard was Paril tripping over,  followed by several
hostile jeers from the other slayers.    They were all extremely angry
with Paril.
 "Just concentrate on the right leg. I think that leg can be saved but
 the other will just have to be amputated."  instructed Venom as they
all clung to the carpet which was moving as fast as Venom could make
it go.  Venom was particularly furious because Shirn had been one of
his best slayers.  Shirn's legs were now badly burnt.
"I think they both need to go" Shirn whispered.  Gasping with pain,
"Please don't be too hard on Paril.  We were such good friends
before…Try and understand what he's going through…"
"Well I don't have any sympathy.  He used to be a good slayer, so I
was meaning to give him simple jobs to do until he was better adapted
to his blindness but I'm damned if I'm going to waste any more time on
the wretched dog.   I've been trying  to send him for some training
with old bat features.  He's been refusing to go.  He wouldn't let
Hari teach him  anything either.   Should think himself lucky I've not
cursed him out of existence!"
   Hari sighed.  Venom had spoken harshly but for once Hari couldn't
disagree.  Whenever Hari had tried to get through to Paril he'd been
quick to bring his sexuality into the conversation, along with all
sorts of lies that his crazy wife Savasha came up with.  Despite this,
 Hari couldn't help but pity the guy. It was clear to everyone else on
the team that Paril's sight had been deteriorating for months.  It was
due to some sort of human ailment called retinitis pigmentosa which
was quite rare for people with demon blood to inherit.   He was also
in deep denial.    It was as if Paril believed that the total
rejection of everything to do with blindness would somehow prevent his
sight from leaving him completely.  Hari could only hope he came to
his senses soon.