[stylist] sample of work rewritten. 3rd attempt.
LoriStay at aol.com
LoriStay at aol.com
Sun Oct 26 02:55:49 UTC 2008
In a message dated 10/25/08 9:37:24 PM, dreamavdb at googlemail.com writes:
>
> "Paril? I've come to show you how to use a long cane…" Hari Murdag
> called as he stood listening in front of Paril's tent. He heard
> exactly the same snores that he had heard earlier on. Their was
> something unnatural about the noise he was hearing.
>
Their was... Nope. Wrong "there." check your spelling.
Then their was a click
Same comment. This should be spelled t h e r e
Then their(that is, t h e r e) was a click a whirring noise and the snores
started up again.
Put a comma after click. Or use the word "and"
(A click and a whirring noise)
How could he have been taken in so easily.
Need question mark here rather than a period.
After all he'd once played the same trick himself.
comma after the word "all"
"Paril!" he called into the desert air around him. Not really
expecting a response.
There's that sentence fragment again. Try a comma after the word "him," and
make the second sentence into a dependent clause.
Sometimes people dislike my editing their work without mentioning that I do
this all the time (for those who do ask for it). Let me know your thoughts.
Lori
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