[stylist] Angel Light critique for Keitei

Tue Dec 1 19:38:08 UTC 2009

Hi Keitei,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a lot of talent for 
coming up with a story and getting the reader's attention. I 
particularly like your choice of starting with a poem, and your dialog 
is good.

I do have comments, however, which I think will make your writing 
stronger. I did not mention everything, but only what I noticed in the 
first 12 pages or so. Some things are typos, others involve grammar and 
others are comments about writing in general. I don't know if you really 
want this type of criticism, so just ignore me if you don't, but writing 
is what I do.

Editing is the most time-consuming part of writing. I recently noticed 
the following sentence in my fantasy novel: "His white hair was short 
and his mustache was white."  I had read this chapter literally dozens 
of times, making subtle changes here and there. But, I hadn't noticed 
that there were two instances of the word "white in the same sentence. 
For me, that's always a red flag that something should be re written. I 
only mention this to convey the point that you need to develop a very 
careful and precise method of reviewing your work. Ask yourself if there 
is anything that will confuse the reader or distract him or her from the 
information you are trying to get across. In my example, I thought the 
sentence was a distraction and revised it to: "His short hair and 
mustache were white." Also, grammar is important. You don't have to use 
complete sentences all the time, but where you do, there should be an 
overpowering reason for it.

Good luck and keep writing, you really have something worth nurturing.

Donna Hill

***

"The fear of what was behind him seemed to be overwhelmingly terrifying."

Do you mean that the fear itself was terrifying? If not, you might 
consider revising this sentence, as in: "The reality of what was behind 
him..." or something like that.

Also, are you using the word "seemed" to suggest the possibility that 
this isn't actually the case? I find that words like "seem" which can 
convey a vagueness take away from the power and tention of the reader's 
experience. It works well when you're trying to establish uncertainty in 
the character's own head while in a non-action scene, but when the 
tention is this high, I would think about re structuring the sentence 
like: "He was terrified, and the physical realities of that fear were 
beginning to overwhelm his ability to move or think."

"The streets were quiet and the streets were covered in a little bit of 
snow as Angelus burst out of his house." 

Why are you making this a compound sentence? Is there an advantage of 
having "the streets" repeated over saying, "The streets were quiet and 
covered ...? "

"He must to forget everything but his name and the languages that he 
knew to keep himself alive."

I think you must have revised this sentence at some point and forgot to 
delete "to" in "must to forget."

"Angelus shivered as he ran in his nightgown made of wool."

I think that "woolen nightgown" preserves the tension of the scene 
better -- and is more economical in terms of word count.

"The wind blew in gusts, every time the wind picked up slightly, hair 
covered Angele's eyes for an instant."

I would make this two sentences as in "The wind blew in gusts. Every 
time ..."

Also, Later you use "Angelus'" as the possessive, so I'm thinking 
 "Angele's" is a typo, or is it a nickname?

"A grunt brought Angelus' eyes opening with surprise, wanting to know."

"Brought eyes opening" doesn't sound right to me. Could be "A grunt 
caused Angelus's eyes to open ..." or something else. You could also 
make it into two sentences as in: "There was a grunt. Angelus's eyes 
opened, wanting to know."

"He just saw the sky clearing overhead, the twinkling of the stars and 
the wall of the house where he had fallen."

Are you using "just" as in "the only thing He saw ...: or as in a 
reference to the past tense as in "He had just seen ...?"

"He knew that his angel wouldn't no couldn't have been able to do that."

I'd like to see either a comma after "know" or the insertion of the word 
"and."

/"Their/ numbers were growing masses each day."

I don't understand the need for "masses."

This place was Angele's last hope of not being in danger.

"Angele's" or "Angelus'?"

"The terror was still there, same with the turning of the world."

Same is another one of those words like "just" which is so often used 
and has different senses that using it can water down your writing. Do 
you mean that the terror and the turning of the world were as one? 
 Example: "The terror was still there, at one with the turning of the 
world." The use of "same" could also indicate two separate realities 
unconnected in every sense except that they are simultaneous: "The 
terror was still there as was the turning of the world."

"When he looked back at the monstrous savage of a savior and he took a 
double take.

This is not a complete sentence, merely a phrase after which a sentence 
would appear. To make it a sentence, the simplest thing to do is to drop 
"and place a comma after savior. Also I'm familiar with the expression 
"he did a double take," but I'm not familiar with the use of "took" in 
this way. You're a lot younger than I and have a greater knowledge of 
how your generation is using these expressions, so this may only be an 
issue for older readers.

"I'm not different, or a creamer."

I think "creamer" is a typo.

"His conscious faltered and fell into the blackness that engulfed him so 
completely."

I think you mean "consciousness."  Also, "so completely" is unnecessary 
to the meaning and waters down the power. Did anyone ever tell you about 
Mark Twain's statement that you should write something and then go back 
and remove all of the adverbs and adjectives and then put back only 
those that are essential? I recommend this only as an exercise and as a 
concept to keep in mind. Nouns and verbs are intrinsicly more powerful 
than their modifiers.

"Unwillingly, he had changed into something that he hate with deep 
loathing."

I think you mean "hated."

"I've only started to get to one you. 

I think you mean "know."

Also, the dialog gets a bit confusing. It's OK not to use tags like "he 
said" but in a long passage, it doesn't hurt to throw one in here and 
there. You do this with the use of the name of the character being 
spoken to, but I think it needs a little more. Remember, communicating 
to your reader is important.

"Yes I can do it need be."

Do you mean "Yes, I can do it if need be?" Are you saying, "Yes, I can 
do it, if I have to?"

"Angelus stayed in the cave for days, mourning the lose he had to bare." 

Do you mean "loss?"

"This would be the only time that he would let to despair leave him to 
solidarity."

I have a problem with "let to" and "leave." Maybe you could drop "to." 
Do you mean "... he would allow despair to [lead] him ...?"

"The panic he felt for the woman seemed to overcome home and that's all 
he could think of."

Do you mean "overcome him?"

"People who took pleasure in beating others senseless was maddening."

This needs to be re written. The subject and verb (people was) don't agree.

"The trail down the rocky As he  face of the mountain ..."

Why is "as he" in there?

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