[stylist] chapter one- need feedback

[Shelley J. Alongi]

I did a cursory look at this. This chapter is a good length. It introduces 
us to some characters which tells me the other chapter must be a flash back? 
Some of the transitions are a little choppy, I think the deep conversation 
about career and life is a little intense for someone who has just been hit 
by something larger than her, it might be an idea better introduced in a 
later chapter. I would watch that passive voice, too, it sneaks out and 
grabs me here and there. Check the sentences for stronger constructions. 
Keep writing.
Shelley J. Alongi
Home Office: (714)869-3207
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"The face of an engineer who knew he was going to get killed by a freight 
train."
---SJA for anyone who wants to know
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updated September 24, 2009
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 9:58 AM
Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback


> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one.  However, I wanted to make 
> sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter as the 
> first.  Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader to the 
> characters.  Judith
>
> CHAPTER ONE
>
>
>
> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>
> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world she 
> could escape to for security.  Usually while in her hypnotic state she 
> managed to be cognizant of the world around her.  But this Saturday 
> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds of 
> people talking, kids playing and horns honking.    As she wandered 
> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and 
> navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone.  Suddenly 
> horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed.  She lay on the street 
> oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>
> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging 
> down the street when the accident happened.  He ran to the scene and saw 
> Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her.  "Is she 
> all right?"
>
> "Don't know.  Just called for an ambulance.  Who is she?"
>
> "Jennifer Rabinowitz.  She lives a block from here."
>
> "Can you get her parents?"
>
> "She's an orphan.  I'll get her Foster mother.    Where are they taking 
> her?"
>
> "Arthur Memorial Hospital.  They have a good trauma center.  They'll need 
> her guardian's signature."
>
> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face.  Randy's 
> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.  With 
> one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>
> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>
> "Where is she?"
>
> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street.  The 
> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>
> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy, 
> watch the kids.  There's an emergency!"
>
> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.  Respiratory 
> distress!"
>
> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her 
> body ending up in a different place.  A woman approached her.  "Jennifer, 
> it's me, mommy.  I want you to know I love you.  Your time is not up. 
> Your life will get better.  Everything will be fine, dear.  I love you."
>
> Jennifer started following her mother.
>
> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had 
> been brought in.
>
> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately.  One doctor 
> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>
>  Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay 
> here.  My life is awful.  I can't love anyone."
>
> "You need to continue.  Your life will get better.  Wonderful people will 
> prove to you that you can love and be loved.  I love you.  Go back now."
>
> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate Jennifer. 
> The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest.  A huge burst of 
> energy started her heart beating again.  Jennifer took a deep, labored 
> breath.  In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors and 
> nurses.  As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was trundled 
> at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that neither her 
> spine nor limbs were broken.  She didn't have any internal bleeding.  Dr. 
> Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>
> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about 
> Jennifer.  Randy glanced at his watch.  "I have to call the coach to tell 
> him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering.  Be right 
> back."
>
> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her bed 
> gazing bleakly at the   oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.  Sheila 
> thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>
> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game again. 
> After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in the 
> world?  Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse his 
> dates?
>
> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing into 
> the room pushing the platform that held those paddles.   Ignoring the 
> panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want to go 
> back.  I'm different from the other kids.  They remind me all the time."
>
> "Don't worry about being different.  Everything will be fine.  You have a 
> beautiful life ahead of you.  It's time to go back now."
>
> "No, Mommy!  Don't make me go!"
>
> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain.  The doctor 
> lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved.  "Welcome back, Jennifer.  Hang 
> in there."
>
> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed.  "Keep fighting, 
> Jennifer.  We're all praying for you."
>
> They kept their vigil beside her bed.  At one point Randy said, "It looks 
> like she's stabilized.  I think I'd better head over to the field.  Be 
> back right after the game."  Sheila continued praying that her favorite 
> foster child would be all right.  Jennifer seemed to be going in and out 
> of consciousness.  She would open her eyes briefly before slipping back 
> into either slumber or unconsciousness.  Sheila couldn't tell.  She just 
> kept watching, waiting and praying while nurses and doctors entered the 
> room to take Jennifer's vitals and read the monitors.
>
> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few 
> minutes.  Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>
> "Weak and sore.  When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>
> "I'll check.  Can I get you something to eat?"
>
> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>
> "Let me find out."
>
> After she left Randy said, "I played today.  Everyone sends their best 
> wishes.  I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass.  We lost."
>
> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy.  I know how much that trophy 
> means to you."
>
> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.  "The 
> nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.  I brought 
> you a sandwich."
>
> "Thanks, Sheila."
>
> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get 
> going.  Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work.  I'll send Ted up 
> with your things.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."  She kissed Jennifer 
> and left.
>
> A minute later a doctor came in.  "Good evening, Jennifer.  I'm Dr. 
> Jackson.  I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight.  Mrs. Hamilton asked 
> the nurse about the oxygen.  I want to keep it going until tomorrow 
> morning.  Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time.  Is there anything 
> else I can do for you?"
>
> "Can I take a shower?"
>
> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that.  Is 
> everything else all right?"
>
> "I guess so.  Thanks."  He left the room.
>
> Jennifer turned to Randy.  "Thanks for everything, Randy.  I don't 
> remember anything.  Can you tell me about it?"
>
> Randy described the activities that morning.  "A few times your heart 
> stopped beating.  It was strange.  You looked so peaceful.  Do you 
> remember anything?"
>
> She lied, "I don't remember a thing.  I had no idea it was that serious."
>
> "How are you feeling now?"
>
> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>
> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>
> "Sure.  But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>
> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>
> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head.  I need time to straighten it 
> all out.  Right now you are the best friend I have in the world.  Just 
> keep on being my friend.  That's the best thing you can do for me."
>
> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name.  Is that part of 
> the problem you have to work out?"
>
> "That's a big part of it.  I don't know who I am.  You guys know your 
> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need 
> answers to important questions.  I haven't had that since I was two.
>
> I also have my career in clothing design to think about.  I guess right 
> now that's my identity.  But how can you create an identity out of a spool 
> of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions?  I need more than that.  I 
> need to explore this Jewish thing.  I guess my parents were Jewish.  How 
> else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz?  Right now I don't know 
> where to begin my search."
>
> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>
> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>
> Randy smiled.  "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who got 
> into a fight and almost lost."
>
> "I guess I didn't lose.  When I get up my courage I'll look in the 
> mirror."
>
> "You're looking tired.  I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>
> "Good night, Randy.  Thanks again."
>
>
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