[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Shelley J. Alongi
qobells at roadrunner.com
Mon Nov 2 06:28:33 UTC 2009
I did a cursory look at this. This chapter is a good length. It introduces
us to some characters which tells me the other chapter must be a flash back?
Some of the transitions are a little choppy, I think the deep conversation
about career and life is a little intense for someone who has just been hit
by something larger than her, it might be an idea better introduced in a
later chapter. I would watch that passive voice, too, it sneaks out and
grabs me here and there. Check the sentences for stronger constructions.
Keep writing.
Shelley J. Alongi
Home Office: (714)869-3207
**
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"What sparked your interest in trains?"
"The face of an engineer who knew he was going to get killed by a freight
train."
---SJA for anyone who wants to know
To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident,
Metrolink 111 or other interests click on
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updated September 24, 2009
----- Original Message -----
From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 9:58 AM
Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to make
> sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter as the
> first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader to the
> characters. Judith
>
> CHAPTER ONE
>
>
>
> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>
> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world she
> could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic state she
> managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this Saturday
> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds of
> people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As she wandered
> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and
> navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone. Suddenly
> horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed. She lay on the street
> oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>
> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging
> down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the scene and saw
> Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her. "Is she
> all right?"
>
> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>
> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>
> "Can you get her parents?"
>
> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they taking
> her?"
>
> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll need
> her guardian's signature."
>
> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close. With
> one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>
> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>
> "Where is she?"
>
> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street. The
> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>
> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy,
> watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>
> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen. Respiratory
> distress!"
>
> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
> body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her. "Jennifer,
> it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time is not up.
> Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear. I love you."
>
> Jennifer started following her mother.
>
> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had
> been brought in.
>
> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>
> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay
> here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>
> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people will
> prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go back now."
>
> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate Jennifer.
> The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge burst of
> energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a deep, labored
> breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors and
> nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was trundled
> at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that neither her
> spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have any internal bleeding. Dr.
> Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>
> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
> Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the coach to tell
> him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering. Be right
> back."
>
> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her bed
> gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor. Sheila
> thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>
> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game again.
> After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in the
> world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse his
> dates?
>
> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing into
> the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring the
> panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want to go
> back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me all the time."
>
> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You have a
> beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>
> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>
> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The doctor
> lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back, Jennifer. Hang
> in there."
>
> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep fighting,
> Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>
> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It looks
> like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the field. Be
> back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that her favorite
> foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be going in and out
> of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly before slipping back
> into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila couldn't tell. She just
> kept watching, waiting and praying while nurses and doctors entered the
> room to take Jennifer's vitals and read the monitors.
>
> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>
> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>
> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>
> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>
> "Let me find out."
>
> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their best
> wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>
> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that trophy
> means to you."
>
> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside. "The
> nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen. I brought
> you a sandwich."
>
> "Thanks, Sheila."
>
> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send Ted up
> with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed Jennifer
> and left.
>
> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton asked
> the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until tomorrow
> morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is there anything
> else I can do for you?"
>
> "Can I take a shower?"
>
> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
> everything else all right?"
>
> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>
> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>
> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
> remember anything?"
>
> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that serious."
>
> "How are you feeling now?"
>
> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>
> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>
> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>
> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>
> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten it
> all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world. Just
> keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for me."
>
> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that part of
> the problem you have to work out?"
>
> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need
> answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>
> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess right
> now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out of a spool
> of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need more than that. I
> need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my parents were Jewish. How
> else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz? Right now I don't know
> where to begin my search."
>
> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>
> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>
> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who got
> into a fight and almost lost."
>
> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
> mirror."
>
> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>
> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>
>
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