[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Judith Bron
jbron at optonline.net
Tue Nov 3 14:21:41 UTC 2009
Last night the Yankees' pitching stunk, the Philly's pitching was great and
the Yankees couldn't pull it out in the later innings. Oh well. We'll try
again Wednesday.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Tuesday, November 03, 2009 7:23 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> Last night the Phillies look like the team that beat the best in the
> National League, but I do have to give you that the Yankees want the
> championship more.
> It's too bad they put divisions in place instead of just having east
> versus west. Of course, it might still be that the Yankees would be
> playing the Phillies, then again they might be playing my Dodgers. Now
> that would have been a more even World Series.
> And they get to win at home after all.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 3:36 PM
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>> The object is to win. If they clinch in Philly at least they'll have
>> their parade in the city. Sorry, Barbara. The Yanks are just better.
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 2:49 PM
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>
>>> Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight so
>>> the fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of my
>>> misery. I'm a National League fan.
>>> I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the
>>> Braves as America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You either
>>> love 'em or hate 'em.
>>> I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
>>> Barbara
>>>
>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>
>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>
>>>> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in
>>>>> Chapter 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>>>>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know
>>>>> how these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that
>>>>> meet.
>>>>> Barbara
>>>>>
>>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>>
>>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>>>>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>
>>>>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to
>>>>>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter
>>>>>> as the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the
>>>>>> reader to the characters. Judith
>>>>>>
>>>>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world
>>>>>> she could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic
>>>>>> state she managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this
>>>>>> Saturday morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out
>>>>>> the sounds of people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As
>>>>>> she wandered aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of
>>>>>> jeans, a sweater and navy ski jacket she thought about her inability
>>>>>> to love anyone. Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens
>>>>>> wailed. She lay on the street oblivious to the sounds and horror
>>>>>> engulfing her.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be
>>>>>> jogging down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the
>>>>>> scene and saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering
>>>>>> over her. "Is she all right?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they
>>>>>> taking her?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll
>>>>>> need her guardian's signature."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>>>>>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.
>>>>>> With one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Where is she?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street.
>>>>>> The policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter,
>>>>>> "Cindy, watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>>>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over
>>>>>> her body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>>>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time
>>>>>> is not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear.
>>>>>> I love you."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer
>>>>>> had been brought in.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>>>>>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to
>>>>>> stay here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people
>>>>>> will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go
>>>>>> back now."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>>>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge
>>>>>> burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a
>>>>>> deep, labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the
>>>>>> doctors and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own
>>>>>> she was trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical
>>>>>> team that neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have
>>>>>> any internal bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word
>>>>>> about Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the
>>>>>> coach to tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not
>>>>>> cheering. Be right back."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside
>>>>>> her bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.
>>>>>> Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game
>>>>>> again. After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl
>>>>>> in the world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to
>>>>>> refuse his dates?
>>>>>>
>>>>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing
>>>>>> into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles.
>>>>>> Ignoring the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy,
>>>>>> I don't want to go back. I'm different from the other kids. They
>>>>>> remind me all the time."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You
>>>>>> have a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>>>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>>>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep
>>>>>> fighting, Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>>>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the
>>>>>> field. Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that
>>>>>> her favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be
>>>>>> going in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly
>>>>>> before slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila
>>>>>> couldn't tell. She just kept watching, waiting and praying while
>>>>>> nurses and doctors entered the room to take Jennifer's vitals and
>>>>>> read the monitors.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>>>>>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Let me find out."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their
>>>>>> best wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>>>>> trophy means to you."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>>>>>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.
>>>>>> I brought you a sandwich."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>>>>>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send
>>>>>> Ted up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed
>>>>>> Jennifer and left.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>>>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>>>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>>>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is
>>>>>> there anything else I can do for you?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>>>>> everything else all right?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>>>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
>>>>>> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
>>>>>> remember anything?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>>>>> serious."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten
>>>>>> it all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world.
>>>>>> Just keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for
>>>>>> me."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that
>>>>>> part of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
>>>>>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you
>>>>>> need answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was
>>>>>> two.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess
>>>>>> right now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out
>>>>>> of a spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need
>>>>>> more than that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my
>>>>>> parents were Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like
>>>>>> Rabinowitz? Right now I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world
>>>>>> who got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>>>>> mirror."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>>>>
>>>>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> Writers Division web site:
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>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>
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>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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>>>
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>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
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>
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