[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Barbara Hammel
poetlori8 at msn.com
Tue Nov 3 12:23:55 UTC 2009
Last night the Phillies look like the team that beat the best in the
National League, but I do have to give you that the Yankees want the
championship more.
It's too bad they put divisions in place instead of just having east versus
west. Of course, it might still be that the Yankees would be playing the
Phillies, then again they might be playing my Dodgers. Now that would have
been a more even World Series.
And they get to win at home after all.
Barbara
The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
--------------------------------------------------
From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 3:36 PM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> The object is to win. If they clinch in Philly at least they'll have
> their parade in the city. Sorry, Barbara. The Yanks are just better.
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 2:49 PM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>
>> Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight so
>> the fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of my
>> misery. I'm a National League fan.
>> I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the Braves
>> as America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You either love 'em
>> or hate 'em.
>> I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
>> Barbara
>>
>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------
>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>
>>>
>>>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in
>>>> Chapter 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>>>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know
>>>> how these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that
>>>> meet.
>>>> Barbara
>>>>
>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>
>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>>>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>
>>>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to
>>>>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter
>>>>> as the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader
>>>>> to the characters. Judith
>>>>>
>>>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world
>>>>> she could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic state
>>>>> she managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this
>>>>> Saturday morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out
>>>>> the sounds of people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As
>>>>> she wandered aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of
>>>>> jeans, a sweater and navy ski jacket she thought about her inability
>>>>> to love anyone. Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens
>>>>> wailed. She lay on the street oblivious to the sounds and horror
>>>>> engulfing her.
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be
>>>>> jogging down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the
>>>>> scene and saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering
>>>>> over her. "Is she all right?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they
>>>>> taking her?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll
>>>>> need her guardian's signature."
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>>>>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.
>>>>> With one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>>>>
>>>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>>>
>>>>> "Where is she?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street. The
>>>>> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>>>
>>>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter,
>>>>> "Cindy, watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>>>
>>>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
>>>>> body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time
>>>>> is not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear.
>>>>> I love you."
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>>>
>>>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer
>>>>> had been brought in.
>>>>>
>>>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>>>>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>>>
>>>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to
>>>>> stay here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>>>
>>>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people
>>>>> will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go
>>>>> back now."
>>>>>
>>>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge
>>>>> burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a
>>>>> deep, labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the
>>>>> doctors and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own
>>>>> she was trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical
>>>>> team that neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have
>>>>> any internal bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
>>>>> Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the coach to
>>>>> tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering.
>>>>> Be right back."
>>>>>
>>>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her
>>>>> bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.
>>>>> Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game
>>>>> again. After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl
>>>>> in the world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to
>>>>> refuse his dates?
>>>>>
>>>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing
>>>>> into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring
>>>>> the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't
>>>>> want to go back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me
>>>>> all the time."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You
>>>>> have a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>>>
>>>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep fighting,
>>>>> Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>>>
>>>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the
>>>>> field. Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that
>>>>> her favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be
>>>>> going in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly
>>>>> before slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila
>>>>> couldn't tell. She just kept watching, waiting and praying while
>>>>> nurses and doctors entered the room to take Jennifer's vitals and read
>>>>> the monitors.
>>>>>
>>>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>>>>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Let me find out."
>>>>>
>>>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their best
>>>>> wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>>>> trophy means to you."
>>>>>
>>>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>>>>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen. I
>>>>> brought you a sandwich."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>>>>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send
>>>>> Ted up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed
>>>>> Jennifer and left.
>>>>>
>>>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is there
>>>>> anything else I can do for you?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>>>> everything else all right?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>>>
>>>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
>>>>> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
>>>>> remember anything?"
>>>>>
>>>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>>>> serious."
>>>>>
>>>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>>>
>>>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten
>>>>> it all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world.
>>>>> Just keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for
>>>>> me."
>>>>>
>>>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that
>>>>> part of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
>>>>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need
>>>>> answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>>>>>
>>>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess
>>>>> right now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out
>>>>> of a spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need
>>>>> more than that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my
>>>>> parents were Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like
>>>>> Rabinowitz? Right now I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>>>
>>>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>>>
>>>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who
>>>>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>>>
>>>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>>>> mirror."
>>>>>
>>>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>>>
>>>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>
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>>
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>
>
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