[stylist] Last chapter. Is this ending better or worse?

Wed Nov 4 20:11:04 UTC 2009

When you're talking about the frilly dress, you should probably say and 
Nadia is ... fond of it instead of but Nadia.
In the last section you mixed your tenses.  You should probably put it all 
in the past tense since that what the rest of the story is.
Barbara

The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0!  Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!

--------------------------------------------------
From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, November 04, 2009 1:22 PM
To: "A private list for authors" <DB-AUTHORS at tr.wou.edu>; "Writer's Division 
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Subject: [stylist] Last chapter. Is this ending better or worse?

> Chapter 30
> Madrella at large
> Fiona the fader
>
> I'm glad things have changed round here.
> I've finally been asked to bear witness.
> In fact I've been ordered to bear witness, and kept confined in a
> couple of hospital wards that the police have sectioned off, along
> with all the other witnesses.   She insists on keeping us all together
> here just in case Madrella tries to kill us off before Madrella is
> caught and put on trial.  Some of the witnesses are taking it better
> then others.
> "Listen sunshine, I've got a life to lead out there. I can't afford to
> be stuck with a bunch of demons in this place," Demanded a large woman
> in a gaudy pink dress. She was very pale, and smelt strongly of
> tobacco and cheap perfume.
> “Be my guest.  You can go as soon as I get someone to videotape a
> testimony from you.   I didn’t want any of the witnesses to get hurt,
> but I guess a brutal murder would help us put together a better case,”
> P.C. Rickshaw commented through gritted teeth.
>   The woman turned an even paler colour then she normally was, and sat 
> down.
> “I’ve changed my mind,” she stated.  I didn’t know whether to boo or
> cheer.  After all she did see a lot of what Madrella did to Nadia.
> She was the cleaning lady at the central elementary school in
> Stilosarka and also Madrella’s neighbour.  She was also the most
> dislikeable witness that P.C. Rickshaw had lined up.
> "That’s a pity.  If she stays she better stop smoking.  There is a no
> smoking sign up there, just in case she can’t read.  Who does she
> think she is calling a demon anyway?" P.C. Rickshaw’s brother
> retorted. He sat next to Madrella's other ex husband Mr Murat who had
> only just been released from prison, since P.C Rickshaw had decided he
> would be safer with the other witnesses.
> I saw the two men practicing sign language together.  In addition to
> regular newspapers and magazines, P.C. Rickshaw left several
> instruction manuals on how to learn Darthrilan sign language. I see
> her pouring over them whenever she has a moment spare, which is not
> very often.  Sometimes she will go over to me or Katrina to ask us if
> she's got the signs right.
>
> At that moment I saw Liza making her way carefully to where Nadia was
> sitting.   She sat next to Nadia, holding both hands so Nadia could
> feel her aunt’s signs.  Nadia now wore a bright frilly dress, which
> had been given to her from one of the witnesses.  It was the kind of
> dress that little girls wear, but Nadia seems particularly fond of it.
>  The operation to remove her cochlear implant had been successful.
> Nadia’s physical health had greatly improved but she seemed still as
> listless as ever.
> “Nadia?  Are you ok?” Liza signed using tactile sign language.  Nadia
> seemed to respond better to that then visual sign language.  It’s hard
> to know how much she can see these days since she hardly ever wears
> her glasses unless her aunt insists on it.
> Nadia made no response.
> Liza made an impatient noise.  She seemed to be running on a
> particularly short fuse since she was brought here several weeks ago.
> She let go of one of Nadia’s hands so she could count to a hundred,
> in sign language. Then she turned back to her unresponsive niece.
> “Would you like some soup?” she persevered.
> “Is it vegan?” Nadia signed back using the same method.
> “Yes, it is vegan.  One of the Parvesh witches made it for you
> especially.  She even typed out all the ingredients for you to read,
> to put your mind at rest,” Liza reassured her.
> “My mind is never at rest.  I had that dream again.  I keep dreaming
> about mother.  I won’t have to see mother again will I?” Nadia asked
> her.
> “No, your mother will be sent to prison soon as the police catch her,”
> Liza told her reassuringly.
> “I saw her last night, standing at the doorway.  I saw her coming
> towards me…” Nadia told her.
> “You must have had a bad dream.  She wouldn’t come here because there
> are a lot of police officers guarding this ward.  They would arrest
> her in no time if she came anywhere near this hospital.  Your old
> bodyguard Katrina is also here,” Liza told her.
> “But the police don’t believe me,” She commented.
> "They do now.  They are going to arrest your mother as soon as they
> can find out where she‘s gone to.  You are safe here with us, and when
> she is arrested and put on trial I will take you to the cave where
> Sunniva and Pluto live.  They are very keen to see you and so is
> Vinny.”
> “I don‘t feel safe.  I feel scared.  You won‘t abandon me again for
> Vinny will you?” she replied.
> Liza started counting again.
> I only hoped Liza didn’t run out of patience entirely.  I know how
> it’s like as my husband and I both suffered from PTSD.   I've somehow
> managed to overcome my problems as long as I avoid certain triggers,
> but my husband still suffers from regular flashbacks whenever he goes
> indoors.  His fear of enclosed spaces is so great that he spends most
> of his life roaming about outdoors.  He’s a very lovable man
> underneath it all, but he does need a lot of patience at times.
>
>              ***  ***  ***
>
>
> “Look at this! It’s really disgusting, and to think I was planning to
> send my daughter there,” exclaimed Mr Rickshaw passionately.
> He handed me the newspaper article.
>
> “Dark secrets discovered at the dodgy deaf unit
> Many will know about the 'let them fly' research team.  However, the
> research team were recently horrified to make discoveries of an
> entirely different nature, concerning the heartless hearing impaired
> unit that they formally shared the premises with.
> "All this started when Adam Wood went completely deaf," admits Mrs
> Bird from 'Let Them Fly', "Adam is one of our most promising fliers.
> We were hoping the hearing impaired unit would assist us in finding an
> appropriate mode of communication for him.  Unfortunately he was far
> too deaf to befit from their training methods.  They advised us to get
> a cochlear implant for Adam, which we did at great expense.  Sadly
> Adam died soon after being returned to the hearing impaired unit.  We
> were assured that this was a fluke of nature.  Lots of children are
> implanted without them dying, so we put Adam's death down as a tragic
> accident and carried on as before.  I'm deeply ashamed to confess that
> although we shared the building, we have never really had much to do
> with the hearing impaired unit before Adam's deafness was discovered.
> They took care of their children, and we took care of ours."
> A few months after Adam's tragic loss,   the units dark secrets were
> discovered, when a severely abused and starved child was found.
> 'Let them fly' hired an undercover agent to investigate further.
> Their shocking finds reveal outdated forms of corporal punishment and
> the regular withdrawal of food.  Such forms of discipline simply don't
> belong at the end of the 20th century.
> "I'm absolutely appalled,” Mrs Bird continues, "We had no idea any of
> this was going on, under our very nose.  I'm glad to say the culprits
> have been sentenced to jail and long may they rot there.   We have
> just evicted the whole unit.     The deaf children have now all been
> transferred to a really good deaf school in Druzil where they will be
> more appropriately cared for.
>
>                          ***  *** ***
>
> I woke up that night to hear Nadia screaming in her sleep again.
> She's been having really bad nightmares recently.
> I turn to see that pale skinned cleaning lady shaking Liza awake.  It
> seems wrong to disturb her.  After all, the advantages of being deaf
> are you don't get disturbed by such notices.
> I watched Liza putting on her cochlear implant.  Not that it helps
> that much now she can't see well enough to lip read, but she still
> seems to want to wear it. In fact she's been talking about going
> Bilateral.
>
> “It’s all right Nadia, you were just having a bad dream,” Liza signs.
> “I saw mother again.  She was coming to get me.  Keep her away from
> me!” Nadia signs back.
> “Don’t worry, we won’t let her hurt you,” Liza soothes.  She's given
> up trying to convince Nadia that her mother wasn’t really there.
> Nadia can't see that far even in the best light conditions which this
> isn't. I doubt she can see anything at all and neither can her aunt.
> Yet the notion that her mother was in the room was unshakable.
> Liza wrapped Nadia in a loving embrace, while Nadia clung to her in a
> state of terror.  I left them like that and tried to get back to
> sleep.
>
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