[stylist] Last chapter. Is this ending better or worse?

Wed Nov 4 20:52:07 UTC 2009

Hi Barbara,
thanks for the feedback. I'll make those adjustments.
Apart from that, is it better then the first version?

Helene

On 04/11/2009, Barbara Hammel <poetlori8 at msn.com> wrote:
> When you're talking about the frilly dress, you should probably say and
> Nadia is ... fond of it instead of but Nadia.
> In the last section you mixed your tenses.  You should probably put it all
> in the past tense since that what the rest of the story is.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0!  Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
> Sent: Wednesday, November 04, 2009 1:22 PM
> To: "A private list for authors" <DB-AUTHORS at tr.wou.edu>; "Writer's Division
> Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] Last chapter. Is this ending better or worse?
>
>> Chapter 30
>> Madrella at large
>> Fiona the fader
>>
>> I'm glad things have changed round here.
>> I've finally been asked to bear witness.
>> In fact I've been ordered to bear witness, and kept confined in a
>> couple of hospital wards that the police have sectioned off, along
>> with all the other witnesses.   She insists on keeping us all together
>> here just in case Madrella tries to kill us off before Madrella is
>> caught and put on trial.  Some of the witnesses are taking it better
>> then others.
>> "Listen sunshine, I've got a life to lead out there. I can't afford to
>> be stuck with a bunch of demons in this place," Demanded a large woman
>> in a gaudy pink dress. She was very pale, and smelt strongly of
>> tobacco and cheap perfume.
>> “Be my guest.  You can go as soon as I get someone to videotape a
>> testimony from you.   I didn’t want any of the witnesses to get hurt,
>> but I guess a brutal murder would help us put together a better case,”
>> P.C. Rickshaw commented through gritted teeth.
>>   The woman turned an even paler colour then she normally was, and sat
>> down.
>> “I’ve changed my mind,” she stated.  I didn’t know whether to boo or
>> cheer.  After all she did see a lot of what Madrella did to Nadia.
>> She was the cleaning lady at the central elementary school in
>> Stilosarka and also Madrella’s neighbour.  She was also the most
>> dislikeable witness that P.C. Rickshaw had lined up.
>> "That’s a pity.  If she stays she better stop smoking.  There is a no
>> smoking sign up there, just in case she can’t read.  Who does she
>> think she is calling a demon anyway?" P.C. Rickshaw’s brother
>> retorted. He sat next to Madrella's other ex husband Mr Murat who had
>> only just been released from prison, since P.C Rickshaw had decided he
>> would be safer with the other witnesses.
>> I saw the two men practicing sign language together.  In addition to
>> regular newspapers and magazines, P.C. Rickshaw left several
>> instruction manuals on how to learn Darthrilan sign language. I see
>> her pouring over them whenever she has a moment spare, which is not
>> very often.  Sometimes she will go over to me or Katrina to ask us if
>> she's got the signs right.
>>
>> At that moment I saw Liza making her way carefully to where Nadia was
>> sitting.   She sat next to Nadia, holding both hands so Nadia could
>> feel her aunt’s signs.  Nadia now wore a bright frilly dress, which
>> had been given to her from one of the witnesses.  It was the kind of
>> dress that little girls wear, but Nadia seems particularly fond of it.
>>  The operation to remove her cochlear implant had been successful.
>> Nadia’s physical health had greatly improved but she seemed still as
>> listless as ever.
>> “Nadia?  Are you ok?” Liza signed using tactile sign language.  Nadia
>> seemed to respond better to that then visual sign language.  It’s hard
>> to know how much she can see these days since she hardly ever wears
>> her glasses unless her aunt insists on it.
>> Nadia made no response.
>> Liza made an impatient noise.  She seemed to be running on a
>> particularly short fuse since she was brought here several weeks ago.
>> She let go of one of Nadia’s hands so she could count to a hundred,
>> in sign language. Then she turned back to her unresponsive niece.
>> “Would you like some soup?” she persevered.
>> “Is it vegan?” Nadia signed back using the same method.
>> “Yes, it is vegan.  One of the Parvesh witches made it for you
>> especially.  She even typed out all the ingredients for you to read,
>> to put your mind at rest,” Liza reassured her.
>> “My mind is never at rest.  I had that dream again.  I keep dreaming
>> about mother.  I won’t have to see mother again will I?” Nadia asked
>> her.
>> “No, your mother will be sent to prison soon as the police catch her,”
>> Liza told her reassuringly.
>> “I saw her last night, standing at the doorway.  I saw her coming
>> towards me…” Nadia told her.
>> “You must have had a bad dream.  She wouldn’t come here because there
>> are a lot of police officers guarding this ward.  They would arrest
>> her in no time if she came anywhere near this hospital.  Your old
>> bodyguard Katrina is also here,” Liza told her.
>> “But the police don’t believe me,” She commented.
>> "They do now.  They are going to arrest your mother as soon as they
>> can find out where she‘s gone to.  You are safe here with us, and when
>> she is arrested and put on trial I will take you to the cave where
>> Sunniva and Pluto live.  They are very keen to see you and so is
>> Vinny.”
>> “I don‘t feel safe.  I feel scared.  You won‘t abandon me again for
>> Vinny will you?” she replied.
>> Liza started counting again.
>> I only hoped Liza didn’t run out of patience entirely.  I know how
>> it’s like as my husband and I both suffered from PTSD.   I've somehow
>> managed to overcome my problems as long as I avoid certain triggers,
>> but my husband still suffers from regular flashbacks whenever he goes
>> indoors.  His fear of enclosed spaces is so great that he spends most
>> of his life roaming about outdoors.  He’s a very lovable man
>> underneath it all, but he does need a lot of patience at times.
>>
>>              ***  ***  ***
>>
>>
>> “Look at this! It’s really disgusting, and to think I was planning to
>> send my daughter there,” exclaimed Mr Rickshaw passionately.
>> He handed me the newspaper article.
>>
>> “Dark secrets discovered at the dodgy deaf unit
>> Many will know about the 'let them fly' research team.  However, the
>> research team were recently horrified to make discoveries of an
>> entirely different nature, concerning the heartless hearing impaired
>> unit that they formally shared the premises with.
>> "All this started when Adam Wood went completely deaf," admits Mrs
>> Bird from 'Let Them Fly', "Adam is one of our most promising fliers.
>> We were hoping the hearing impaired unit would assist us in finding an
>> appropriate mode of communication for him.  Unfortunately he was far
>> too deaf to befit from their training methods.  They advised us to get
>> a cochlear implant for Adam, which we did at great expense.  Sadly
>> Adam died soon after being returned to the hearing impaired unit.  We
>> were assured that this was a fluke of nature.  Lots of children are
>> implanted without them dying, so we put Adam's death down as a tragic
>> accident and carried on as before.  I'm deeply ashamed to confess that
>> although we shared the building, we have never really had much to do
>> with the hearing impaired unit before Adam's deafness was discovered.
>> They took care of their children, and we took care of ours."
>> A few months after Adam's tragic loss,   the units dark secrets were
>> discovered, when a severely abused and starved child was found.
>> 'Let them fly' hired an undercover agent to investigate further.
>> Their shocking finds reveal outdated forms of corporal punishment and
>> the regular withdrawal of food.  Such forms of discipline simply don't
>> belong at the end of the 20th century.
>> "I'm absolutely appalled,” Mrs Bird continues, "We had no idea any of
>> this was going on, under our very nose.  I'm glad to say the culprits
>> have been sentenced to jail and long may they rot there.   We have
>> just evicted the whole unit.     The deaf children have now all been
>> transferred to a really good deaf school in Druzil where they will be
>> more appropriately cared for.
>>
>>                          ***  *** ***
>>
>> I woke up that night to hear Nadia screaming in her sleep again.
>> She's been having really bad nightmares recently.
>> I turn to see that pale skinned cleaning lady shaking Liza awake.  It
>> seems wrong to disturb her.  After all, the advantages of being deaf
>> are you don't get disturbed by such notices.
>> I watched Liza putting on her cochlear implant.  Not that it helps
>> that much now she can't see well enough to lip read, but she still
>> seems to want to wear it. In fact she's been talking about going
>> Bilateral.
>>
>> “It’s all right Nadia, you were just having a bad dream,” Liza signs.
>> “I saw mother again.  She was coming to get me.  Keep her away from
>> me!” Nadia signs back.
>> “Don’t worry, we won’t let her hurt you,” Liza soothes.  She's given
>> up trying to convince Nadia that her mother wasn’t really there.
>> Nadia can't see that far even in the best light conditions which this
>> isn't. I doubt she can see anything at all and neither can her aunt.
>> Yet the notion that her mother was in the room was unshakable.
>> Liza wrapped Nadia in a loving embrace, while Nadia clung to her in a
>> state of terror.  I left them like that and tried to get back to
>> sleep.
>>
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