[stylist] theme flaw and premise
The Crowd
the_crowd at cox.net
Fri Nov 6 16:43:59 UTC 2009
Actually I'm 50.000 words into the novel. lol
Atty
----- Original Message -----
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Thursday, November 05, 2009 2:20 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] theme flaw and premise
> Oh, I think you probably could pull off that kind of story. Too bad you
> don't have to write it. Unless he was a vampire, I'd love to read
> it--provided he wouldn't be my nightmare after reading it.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "The Crowd" <the_crowd at cox.net>
> Sent: Wednesday, November 04, 2009 11:01 AM
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] theme flaw and premise
>
>> Hi guys, it's Atty, back on the list again.
>>
>> I'm taking a mystery writing class and one of the assignments is write
>> the theme, protag flaw and premise for a story, then share it with a
>> person or writing group to see if they have comments or questions, so
>> here it is....
>>
>>
>>
>> Theme: Reality is all perception.
>>
>> Flaw: She has a fairy-Tale out-look. Everything has to work out in the
>> end.
>>
>> Premise:
>> What if a woman gifted with allegory energy finds herself in love with a
>> living nightmare trapped in her world and must find the doorway in a wall
>> of worlds to send him back home without his most precious possession?
>>
>> Steve said we didn't have to actually answer the questions just make sure
>> we could answer them and if not adjust the premise. So if anyone wants to
>> comment, please feel free!
>>
>> Atty
>>
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Tuesday, November 03, 2009 6:23 AM
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>
>>> Last night the Phillies look like the team that beat the best in the
>>> National League, but I do have to give you that the Yankees want the
>>> championship more.
>>> It's too bad they put divisions in place instead of just having east
>>> versus west. Of course, it might still be that the Yankees would be
>>> playing the Phillies, then again they might be playing my Dodgers. Now
>>> that would have been a more even World Series.
>>> And they get to win at home after all.
>>> Barbara
>>>
>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>
>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 3:36 PM
>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>
>>>> The object is to win. If they clinch in Philly at least they'll have
>>>> their parade in the city. Sorry, Barbara. The Yanks are just better.
>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 2:49 PM
>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>> Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight
>>>>> so the fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of
>>>>> my misery. I'm a National League fan.
>>>>> I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the
>>>>> Braves as America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You
>>>>> either love 'em or hate 'em.
>>>>> I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
>>>>> Barbara
>>>>>
>>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>>
>>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
>>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>
>>>>>> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go
>>>>>> Yanks!
>>>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
>>>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in
>>>>>>> Chapter 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>>>>>>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know
>>>>>>> how these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that
>>>>>>> meet.
>>>>>>> Barbara
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>>>>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>>>>>>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>>>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted
>>>>>>>> to make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second
>>>>>>>> chapter as the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce
>>>>>>>> the reader to the characters. Judith
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the
>>>>>>>> world she could escape to for security. Usually while in her
>>>>>>>> hypnotic state she managed to be cognizant of the world around her.
>>>>>>>> But this Saturday morning she was so deep in thought she managed to
>>>>>>>> block out the sounds of people talking, kids playing and horns
>>>>>>>> honking. As she wandered aimlessly down the street in the
>>>>>>>> teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and navy ski jacket she thought
>>>>>>>> about her inability to love anyone. Suddenly horns blared, tires
>>>>>>>> squealed and sirens wailed. She lay on the street oblivious to the
>>>>>>>> sounds and horror engulfing her.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be
>>>>>>>> jogging down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the
>>>>>>>> scene and saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman
>>>>>>>> hovering over her. "Is she all right?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they
>>>>>>>> taking her?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center.
>>>>>>>> They'll need her guardian's signature."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face.
>>>>>>>> Randy's inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that
>>>>>>>> close. With one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the
>>>>>>>> Hamilton house.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Where is she?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street.
>>>>>>>> The policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter,
>>>>>>>> "Cindy, watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>>>>>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over
>>>>>>>> her body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>>>>>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your
>>>>>>>> time is not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be
>>>>>>>> fine, dear. I love you."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer
>>>>>>>> had been brought in.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One
>>>>>>>> doctor commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to
>>>>>>>> stay here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful
>>>>>>>> people will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love
>>>>>>>> you. Go back now."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>>>>>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A
>>>>>>>> huge burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer
>>>>>>>> took a deep, labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up
>>>>>>>> among the doctors and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing
>>>>>>>> on her own she was trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed
>>>>>>>> the medical team that neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She
>>>>>>>> didn't have any internal bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one
>>>>>>>> lucky girl."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word
>>>>>>>> about Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the
>>>>>>>> coach to tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not
>>>>>>>> cheering. Be right back."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside
>>>>>>>> her bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and
>>>>>>>> monitor. Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game
>>>>>>>> again. After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful
>>>>>>>> girl in the world? Once she was back to normal would she continue
>>>>>>>> to refuse his dates?
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors
>>>>>>>> rushing into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles.
>>>>>>>> Ignoring the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother,
>>>>>>>> "Mommy, I don't want to go back. I'm different from the other
>>>>>>>> kids. They remind me all the time."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You
>>>>>>>> have a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>>>>>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>>>>>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep
>>>>>>>> fighting, Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>>>>>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the
>>>>>>>> field. Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying
>>>>>>>> that her favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed
>>>>>>>> to be going in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes
>>>>>>>> briefly before slipping back into either slumber or
>>>>>>>> unconsciousness. Sheila couldn't tell. She just kept watching,
>>>>>>>> waiting and praying while nurses and doctors entered the room to
>>>>>>>> take Jennifer's vitals and read the monitors.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a
>>>>>>>> few minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Let me find out."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their
>>>>>>>> best wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We
>>>>>>>> lost."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>>>>>>> trophy means to you."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her
>>>>>>>> bedside. "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about
>>>>>>>> the oxygen. I brought you a sandwich."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to
>>>>>>>> get going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll
>>>>>>>> send Ted up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She
>>>>>>>> kissed Jennifer and left.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>>>>>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>>>>>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>>>>>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is
>>>>>>>> there anything else I can do for you?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>>>>>>> everything else all right?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>>>>>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your
>>>>>>>> heart stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful.
>>>>>>>> Do you remember anything?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>>>>>>> serious."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to
>>>>>>>> straighten it all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in
>>>>>>>> the world. Just keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you
>>>>>>>> can do for me."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that
>>>>>>>> part of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know
>>>>>>>> your parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when
>>>>>>>> you need answers to important questions. I haven't had that since
>>>>>>>> I was two.
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess
>>>>>>>> right now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity
>>>>>>>> out of a spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I
>>>>>>>> need more than that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess
>>>>>>>> my parents were Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like
>>>>>>>> Rabinowitz? Right now I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world
>>>>>>>> who got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>>>>>>> mirror."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> stylist mailing list
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>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> stylist mailing list
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>>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> stylist mailing list
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>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>
>>>>> stylist mailing list
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>>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>
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>>>
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>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
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>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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>
> _______________________________________________
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