[stylist] theme flaw and premise
Barbara Hammel
poetlori8 at msn.com
Thu Nov 5 20:20:35 UTC 2009
Oh, I think you probably could pull off that kind of story. Too bad you
don't have to write it. Unless he was a vampire, I'd love to read
it--provided he wouldn't be my nightmare after reading it.
Barbara
The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
--------------------------------------------------
From: "The Crowd" <the_crowd at cox.net>
Sent: Wednesday, November 04, 2009 11:01 AM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: [stylist] theme flaw and premise
> Hi guys, it's Atty, back on the list again.
>
> I'm taking a mystery writing class and one of the assignments is write the
> theme, protag flaw and premise for a story, then share it with a person or
> writing group to see if they have comments or questions, so here it is....
>
>
>
> Theme: Reality is all perception.
>
> Flaw: She has a fairy-Tale out-look. Everything has to work out in the
> end.
>
> Premise:
> What if a woman gifted with allegory energy finds herself in love with a
> living nightmare trapped in her world and must find the doorway in a wall
> of worlds to send him back home without his most precious possession?
>
> Steve said we didn't have to actually answer the questions just make sure
> we could answer them and if not adjust the premise. So if anyone wants to
> comment, please feel free!
>
> Atty
>
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, November 03, 2009 6:23 AM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>
>> Last night the Phillies look like the team that beat the best in the
>> National League, but I do have to give you that the Yankees want the
>> championship more.
>> It's too bad they put divisions in place instead of just having east
>> versus west. Of course, it might still be that the Yankees would be
>> playing the Phillies, then again they might be playing my Dodgers. Now
>> that would have been a more even World Series.
>> And they get to win at home after all.
>> Barbara
>>
>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------
>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 3:36 PM
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>> The object is to win. If they clinch in Philly at least they'll have
>>> their parade in the city. Sorry, Barbara. The Yanks are just better.
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 2:49 PM
>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>
>>>
>>>> Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight so
>>>> the fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of my
>>>> misery. I'm a National League fan.
>>>> I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the
>>>> Braves as America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You either
>>>> love 'em or hate 'em.
>>>> I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
>>>> Barbara
>>>>
>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>
>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>
>>>>> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
>>>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>>>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>>>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
>>>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in
>>>>>> Chapter 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>>>>>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know
>>>>>> how these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that
>>>>>> meet.
>>>>>> Barbara
>>>>>>
>>>>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>>>>
>>>>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>>>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>>>>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>>>>>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>>>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted
>>>>>>> to make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second
>>>>>>> chapter as the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce
>>>>>>> the reader to the characters. Judith
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the
>>>>>>> world she could escape to for security. Usually while in her
>>>>>>> hypnotic state she managed to be cognizant of the world around her.
>>>>>>> But this Saturday morning she was so deep in thought she managed to
>>>>>>> block out the sounds of people talking, kids playing and horns
>>>>>>> honking. As she wandered aimlessly down the street in the teenage
>>>>>>> uniform of jeans, a sweater and navy ski jacket she thought about
>>>>>>> her inability to love anyone. Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed
>>>>>>> and sirens wailed. She lay on the street oblivious to the sounds
>>>>>>> and horror engulfing her.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be
>>>>>>> jogging down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the
>>>>>>> scene and saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering
>>>>>>> over her. "Is she all right?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they
>>>>>>> taking her?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll
>>>>>>> need her guardian's signature."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>>>>>>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.
>>>>>>> With one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Where is she?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street.
>>>>>>> The policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter,
>>>>>>> "Cindy, watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>>>>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over
>>>>>>> her body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>>>>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your
>>>>>>> time is not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be fine,
>>>>>>> dear. I love you."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer
>>>>>>> had been brought in.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>>>>>>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to
>>>>>>> stay here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people
>>>>>>> will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go
>>>>>>> back now."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>>>>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A
>>>>>>> huge burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took
>>>>>>> a deep, labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among
>>>>>>> the doctors and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her
>>>>>>> own she was trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the
>>>>>>> medical team that neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She
>>>>>>> didn't have any internal bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one
>>>>>>> lucky girl."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word
>>>>>>> about Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the
>>>>>>> coach to tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not
>>>>>>> cheering. Be right back."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside
>>>>>>> her bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and
>>>>>>> monitor. Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game
>>>>>>> again. After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl
>>>>>>> in the world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to
>>>>>>> refuse his dates?
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing
>>>>>>> into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring
>>>>>>> the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't
>>>>>>> want to go back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me
>>>>>>> all the time."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You
>>>>>>> have a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>>>>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>>>>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep
>>>>>>> fighting, Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>>>>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the
>>>>>>> field. Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that
>>>>>>> her favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be
>>>>>>> going in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly
>>>>>>> before slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila
>>>>>>> couldn't tell. She just kept watching, waiting and praying while
>>>>>>> nurses and doctors entered the room to take Jennifer's vitals and
>>>>>>> read the monitors.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>>>>>>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Let me find out."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their
>>>>>>> best wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We
>>>>>>> lost."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>>>>>> trophy means to you."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>>>>>>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen.
>>>>>>> I brought you a sandwich."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>>>>>>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send
>>>>>>> Ted up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She
>>>>>>> kissed Jennifer and left.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>>>>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>>>>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>>>>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is
>>>>>>> there anything else I can do for you?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>>>>>> everything else all right?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>>>>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your
>>>>>>> heart stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do
>>>>>>> you remember anything?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>>>>>> serious."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to
>>>>>>> straighten it all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in
>>>>>>> the world. Just keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you
>>>>>>> can do for me."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that
>>>>>>> part of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know
>>>>>>> your parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when
>>>>>>> you need answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I
>>>>>>> was two.
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess
>>>>>>> right now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity
>>>>>>> out of a spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I
>>>>>>> need more than that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess
>>>>>>> my parents were Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like
>>>>>>> Rabinowitz? Right now I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world
>>>>>>> who got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>>>>>> mirror."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
>>>>>>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>>
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>>>>>>
>>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>>> Writers Division web site:
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>>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>
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>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
>>>>> Writers Division web site:
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>>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>
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>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>> <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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>>>
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>>
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>
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