[stylist] Rough draft of a poem.

[Alan]

Having taken your advice, here is a revision:
Full Moon and High Tide

The full moon lit the beach of his life
and pulled on the tides of his emotions

The high tide of his love for her
crashing waves the million tears he had cried
their thunderous sound his beating heart

ebbing only came when he remembered
that for the time being
fate conspires to keep them apart


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Shelley J. Alongi" <qobells at roadrunner.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 4:01 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.


> Try making the lines less passive, take out "seeming like a million tears" 
> and just say the water a million tears
>
> Take out "the thunderous sound" and say thunderous sound
>
> just amkes thing a bit stronger, seems like the first two lines could be 
> stronger and if it's emotion you want use words to create them but I can't 
> think of anything at the moment to express strong emotion in the words 
> "shone on the beach of his life" maybe an adverb, not sure, I'm sure 
> someone will think of something.
>
> Shelley J. Alongi
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> updated September 24, 2009
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Alan" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 1:51 PM
> Subject: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.
>
>
>> Hi everyone,
>> I just wrote this poem, but I feel it is very rough and needs work.  Any 
>> thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.
>>
>> I am trying to convey emotional tumult in terms of a beach with a full 
>> moon.  This just seems weak to me, and could be stronger.  Hre it is:
>> Full Moon and High Tide
>>
>>
>>
>> The full moon shone on the beach of his life
>>
>> and pulled on the tides of his emotions
>>
>>
>>
>> The high tide of his love for her
>>
>> the water seeming like the million tears he had cried
>>
>> the thunderous sound his beating heart
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> ebbing only came when he remembered
>>
>> that for the time being
>>
>> fate conspires to keep them apart
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
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>
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