[stylist] Rough draft of a poem.

[Shelley J. Alongi]

nice revision why don't you put everything in the present tesne
Shelley J. Alongi
Home Office: (714)869-3207
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"What sparked your interest in trains?"
"The face of an engineer who knew he was going to get killed by a freight 
train."
---SJA for anyone who wants to know
To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident, 
Metrolink 111 or other interests click on 
http://www.storymania.com/cgibin/sm2/smshowauthorbox.cgi?page=&author=AlongiSJ&alpha=A

updated September 24, 2009
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Alan" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 3:21 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.


> Having taken your advice, here is a revision:
> Full Moon and High Tide
>
> The full moon lit the beach of his life
> and pulled on the tides of his emotions
>
> The high tide of his love for her
> crashing waves the million tears he had cried
> their thunderous sound his beating heart
>
> ebbing only came when he remembered
> that for the time being
> fate conspires to keep them apart
>
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Shelley J. Alongi" <qobells at roadrunner.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 4:01 PM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.
>
>
>> Try making the lines less passive, take out "seeming like a million 
>> tears" and just say the water a million tears
>>
>> Take out "the thunderous sound" and say thunderous sound
>>
>> just amkes thing a bit stronger, seems like the first two lines could be 
>> stronger and if it's emotion you want use words to create them but I 
>> can't think of anything at the moment to express strong emotion in the 
>> words "shone on the beach of his life" maybe an adverb, not sure, I'm 
>> sure someone will think of something.
>>
>> Shelley J. Alongi
>> Home Office: (714)869-3207
>> **
>> NFBWD "Slate and Style" editor
>> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>
>> **
>> "What sparked your interest in trains?"
>> "The face of an engineer who knew he was going to get killed by a freight 
>> train."
>> ---SJA for anyone who wants to know
>> To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident, 
>> Metrolink 111 or other interests click on 
>> http://www.storymania.com/cgibin/sm2/smshowauthorbox.cgi?page=&author=AlongiSJ&alpha=A
>>
>> updated September 24, 2009
>> ----- Original Message ----- 
>> From: "Alan" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 1:51 PM
>> Subject: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.
>>
>>
>>> Hi everyone,
>>> I just wrote this poem, but I feel it is very rough and needs work.  Any 
>>> thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.
>>>
>>> I am trying to convey emotional tumult in terms of a beach with a full 
>>> moon.  This just seems weak to me, and could be stronger.  Hre it is:
>>> Full Moon and High Tide
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The full moon shone on the beach of his life
>>>
>>> and pulled on the tides of his emotions
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The high tide of his love for her
>>>
>>> the water seeming like the million tears he had cried
>>>
>>> the thunderous sound his beating heart
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ebbing only came when he remembered
>>>
>>> that for the time being
>>>
>>> fate conspires to keep them apart
>>>
>>>
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>>> Writers Division web site:
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>>
>>
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>
>
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