[stylist] Rough draft of a poem.

[Alan]

James,
No no no.  Would never hit the delete key on advice.  I can only think of 
the word splash at the moment.  That's just me, though.

My next post is a updated draft with the tense consistently present.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "James H. "Jim" Canaday M.A. N6YR" <n6yr at sunflower.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 10:58 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.


> Alan,
> rewrote with stronger language.  there's a seaman's word for the ocean's 
> spray and of course I couldn't put my mind on it else I would have used it 
> too.  I think it starts with sp...
> hope you don't mind, and of course you are quite free to hit the delete 
> button on this.
> jc
>
>
> Full Moon and High Tide
>
> The full moon held the beach of his life
>
> and tugged at the tide of his passions
>
> The flood tide--his need for her
>
> the weighty water--a million tears he had cried
>
> the thundering was his beating heart
>
> Crashing waves--his endless torment
>
> ebbing came upon a memory
>
> that for just a moment
>
> fate only conspires to keep them apart
>
> not to tear them asunder
>
>
> _______________________________________________
>
>
> At 03:51 PM 10/3/2009, you wrote:
>>Hi everyone,
>>I just wrote this poem, but I feel it is very rough and needs work.  Any 
>>thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.
>>
>>I am trying to convey emotional tumult in terms of a beach with a full 
>>moon.  This just seems weak to me, and could be stronger.  Hre it is:
>>Full Moon and High Tide
>>
>>
>>
>>The full moon shone on the beach of his life
>>
>>and pulled on the tides of his emotions
>>
>>
>>
>>The high tide of his love for her
>>
>>the water seeming like the million tears he had cried
>>
>>the thunderous sound his beating heart
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>ebbing only came when he remembered
>>
>>that for the time being
>>
>>fate conspires to keep them apart
>>
>>
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>
>
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