[stylist] The heart of it: chapter 1.

Mon Oct 5 16:48:07 UTC 2009

Nice start, good imagery with the bump signifying turbulence and the 
stuttering heartbeat perhpas leading to the heart attack. Some improvements 
might be cutting out the extra words at the ends of sentences like "though" 
for instance and shortening your sentences not connecting them with words 
like "but" and "and" no-nos in the writing department I think. They always 
kind of stick out like sore thumbs and they're sneaky, too. Change as many 
sentences into the active voice as you can without losing the flavor of your 
work, constructions such as "it was driving him mad" would read more 
strongly with "it drove him mad." It's the same idea expressed more 
strongly. That passive voice is sneaky. Also watch tenses sometimes they 
switch from past to present in the same sentence. the sentence that says "it 
hurt deep" would be better phrased "hurt deeply." the idea is good just use 
sentence construction to make it stand out more strongly. You might if this 
all sounds too complicated to handle one sentence at a time try a major 
rewrite of the whole chapter.
Shelley J. Alongi
Home Office: (714)869-3207
**
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http://www.nfb-writers-division.org

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"What sparked your interest in trains?"
"The face of an engineer who knew he was going to get killed by a freight 
train."
---SJA for anyone who wants to know
To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident, 
Metrolink 111 or other interests click on 
http://www.storymania.com/cgibin/sm2/smshowauthorbox.cgi?page=&author=AlongiSJ&alpha=A

updated September 24, 2009
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Alan" <awheeler at neb.rr.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, October 05, 2009 7:20 AM
Subject: [stylist] The heart of it: chapter 1.

> Hi everyone,
> This is the first chapter in the story  I was seeking so much advice 
> about.  Let me know what you think of it as a start.
>
> Alan
>
> The heart of it
>
> By: Alan Wheeler
>
>
>
> chapter one
>
> Heart Break
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> BUMP!!
>
> Michael looked up from his section of the Sunday paper as he and Anna sat 
> in the front of the first class section of the airplane. The jolt of 
> turbulence brought Michael back to his distracted thoughts. He and Anna 
> weren't moving, no real "turbulence" for them,  they were stagnating, 
> standing still, and it was driving him mad.
>
>
>
> Oh, they loved each other, that wasn't the problem.  It was communicating; 
> communicating their love for each other to each other, communicating 
> without putting the other on the defensive all the time.  Those were the 
> problem areas for them and they both knew it.  Yet, neither Michael or 
> Anna took steps to remedy the problem.  It had become like that proverbial 
> elephant in the living room that no one speaks of, but rather walks a wide 
> circle around, simply to avoid it.
>
>
>
> Michael had hoped their trip to South America would nudge them out of this 
> routine, cause them to break down barriers, but it didn't happen that way. 
> No change occurred at all, in fact.
>
>
>
> He looked over at her as she read her Stephen King novel, and his heart 
> seemed to stutter in his chest, as beating every other beat.  He loved her 
> so much, and yet felt so far away.  It hurt him; hurt him deep.  He caught 
> her looking at him out of the corner of her eye, and the look on her face 
> told him in no uncertain terms she was thinking about the very same 
> things.  He saw the love in her eyes, but he also saw a seemingly 
> bottomless sadness and loneliness there, too.
>
>
>
> He wanted to throw down his newspaper, tell her just how deeply he loved 
> her and demand she say what she was thinking.  It was futile, though.  It 
> was futile because Michael knew that he would balk if she made the same 
> demand of him.  He had tried to open up, tried to get past the barriers he 
> felt between them, but it was like body-slamming a brick wall.  All he 
> could bring himself to do was brush a lock of her long, black hair out of 
> her face.  It was a gesture of affection, to him, anyway, but she just 
> vaguely glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, and continued to 
> read.
>
>
>
>
>
> ***
>
>
>
>
>
> Anna felt Michael's hand brush the loose lock of hair.  She really did 
> love him.  He was like no man she had ever known, let alone loved.  Yet, 
> for her it seemed like her head was extroverted and her heart introverted. 
> She could talk with him about their work in South America, the impact that 
> work would have back in the states, and do so for hours.
>
>
>
> On the other hand, though, ask her to express her love for him, and it as 
> if she were pathologically shy, or mute or something like that.
>
>
>
> Ask her to talk about some way, big or small in which Michael may have 
> hurt her, even just with a unintended sleight, and her emotional throat 
> closed up and her voice was, in a manner of speaking, gone.
>
>
>
> She hated herself for it but she kept waiting on Michael to be the one to 
> open up. She knew she should take the first step since it seemed Michael 
> never would.  Unfortunately, she seemed too mired in it all to take that 
> step.  She recalled how she once thought being a better housewife would 
> tilt  the balance, and cause them to open up to each other.  But, it was 
> like the lyric she had heard in a song by the band Wilco says, "keeping 
> things clean doesn't change anything."
>
>
>
> They both sat, mutely gazing at each other, suddenly and for no apparent 
> reason, and silently knew something had to break, and both wondered if it 
> ever would.
>
>
>
> ***
>
>
>
> Suddenly, for Michael, something did.  It had nothing whatsoever to do 
> with their relationship.  It was pain, starting from the left side of his 
> chest and slowly radiating down his arm.  For the love of everything holy, 
> was he having a heart attack?  Here?  On this airplane?  He squeezed 
> Anna's hand, almost violently.  His eyes registered her shock and horror 
> as she realized something was wrong, then everything faded to black, just 
> like a TV show or movie.
>
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