[stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
helene ryles
dreamavdb at googlemail.com
Sun Sep 6 22:04:22 UTC 2009
Hi Judith,
The two main characters are unable to work magic but they live in a
world where magic exists.
What do you think of the title: "The gift of flight"
Helene
On 06/09/2009, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
> Your main character is not a fantasy character, but a human in the custody
> of her witch mother. Perhaps, "Reality on a Broom Stick". I don't expect
> you to take that seriously. But don't confuse your audience into expecting
> the main character to possess super human qualities. Judith
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 3:55 PM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
>
>
>> Hi Judith,
>> Thanks for the suggested titles. I'll have to think about that.
>> It was originally called "The Squib" but now I'm no longer using that
>> word it changed to "A Deafblind girl".
>> Maybe I could just call it "Dragons and Dumans"?
>>
>> Helene
>>
>> On 06/09/2009, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
>>> Here's just a few ideas that can be disregarded with no problem:
>>> The Disappointment
>>> Wrong Gender
>>> Never to be Right
>>>
>>> ----- Original Message -----
>>> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
>>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 12:35 AM
>>> Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
>>>
>>>
>>>> Hi James and Judith,
>>>> I'm glad you liked my story.
>>>>
>>>> The origin of the title is because Nadia disapoints her mom on three
>>>> accounts:
>>>>
>>>> She's born female when her mom wanted a son.
>>>> Shes a Duman instead of being magically able.
>>>> She's still deafblind despite having eye surgery and and a Cochlear
>>>> implant.
>>>>
>>>> It's not totally fixed though. If a better title came up and maybe
>>>> made it more publishable I'd go for it.
>>>>
>>>> Helene.
>>>>
>>>> On 06/09/2009, James Canaday M.A. N6YR <n6yr at sunflower.com> wrote:
>>>>> Helene,
>>>>> I was thinking about your book during my long walk with my dog this
>>>>> afternoon.
>>>>>
>>>>> I like your writing, it is engaging and vivid. in fact, sometimes it
>>>>> seems likt it could use a little scene and landscape just to pace it
>>>>> a little, it moves so flat-out. but that's not such a bad thing.
>>>>>
>>>>> my major comment is this: "a defblind girl" as a title? I also like
>>>>> shorter titles. but perhaps a title more tied to the magic, or the
>>>>> emotional struggles in the story would fit better and would better
>>>>> identify your story.
>>>>>
>>>>> I do not like long titles like: "Upon the upside of the towering rock
>>>>> in the town square, or: how I lost my sense of innocence and became
>>>>> an adult in the 20th century upon my 21st birthday in an accident ..."
>>>>> I was required to make my masters thesis title far clugier than I
>>>>> wanted. I think its maybe fourteen words long!
>>>>>
>>>>> anyway, keep the simplicity of the title, but perhaps closer to the
>>>>> characters or the story?
>>>>>
>>>>> reads very well Helene!
>>>>>
>>>>> oh, I think "snuck" might be better in that one place than "sneaked."
>>>>> jc
>>>>> Jim Canaday M.A.
>>>>> Lawrence, KS
>>>>>
>>>>> At 03:49 PM 9/5/2009, you wrote:
>>>>>>Chapter 2
>>>>>>First memories by Nadia Murat (1989)
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Where has Aunt Liza got to? She should be here by now, but she wasn't.
>>>>>>I lay huddled on my bedroom floor, feeling more anxious by the minute.
>>>>>>A wet and slightly abrasive tongue licks my face. It was Bella the
>>>>>>Growlin Shepherd, a failed police dog who slept on the bottom bunk.
>>>>>>I let her continue to lick my face. Then I wrapped my arms around her
>>>>>>large furry neck.
>>>>>>We were in a large spacious room full of toys and picture books. I
>>>>>>had a bunk bed that I shared with Bella. She had the bottom bunk and I
>>>>>>slept in the top.
>>>>>> We had been expecting Liza to arrive soon after my babysitter left
>>>>>>for the day, only she left hours ago. Where on earth could my aunt
>>>>>>have got to?
>>>>>>My anxiety rose as the sun stopped shining from my small slit of a
>>>>>>bedroom window. We began to get very anxious.
>>>>>>My aunt did not come back that night.
>>>>>>Instead the dragon came. He was about twelve foot long and four foot
>>>>>>high. His beautiful copper coloured skin had a lovely smooth texture
>>>>>>to it. I usually loved to stroke him, but today I was too worried
>>>>>>about my aunt's failure to arrive.
>>>>>>"I want my auntie. Where is she?" I demanded, stamping my foot.
>>>>>>Suddenly, an image of Liza flashed into my mind. The image came from
>>>>>>the Dragon who was communicating to me using Dramic, which is a
>>>>>>telepathic language via words and images.
>>>>>>In this image I saw Liza in a whitewashed hallway full of sick people.
>>>>>> She was lying down in a sort of large trolley. There was something
>>>>>>wrong with her legs, which were at an odd angle. She seemed to be in
>>>>>>a lot of pain. I recognised that place. I'd been there before but I
>>>>>>couldn't remember when. I just remembered that it smelt strongly of
>>>>>>disinfectant and the well lit waiting room lights had hurt my eyes.
>>>>>>I next visualized a bowl of dog food.
>>>>>>"I can't eat that," I protested in sign language.
>>>>>>I visualized a little girl with an empty bowl. The message ended with
>>>>>>a question mark.
>>>>>>"Ice-cream, candy and a large packet of cookies," I told him. This
>>>>>>was not my usual diet but the dragon didn't seem to know this. He
>>>>>>came back with the food I had asked for. I shared the rest of the
>>>>>>cookies with Bella after she had finished her dog food.
>>>>>>The food distracted me for a short while, but once it had been eaten
>>>>>>my anxiety returned with renewed force. What was wrong with my aunt's
>>>>>>legs? Would she ever be ok again? I was unable to get to sleep so I
>>>>>>began to pace from my bedroom to the toilet and back. My stomach felt
>>>>>>very delicate. I ended up returning most of the food that the dragon
>>>>>>had brought me in the toilet, which fortunately was next door to my
>>>>>>bedroom.
>>>>>>What would I do if Aunt Liza never came back? Even Bella's furry form
>>>>>>was unable to pacify me for long.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>>
>>>>>>I woke to feel a scaly hand nudging me, handing me my aphakic glasses
>>>>>>which I wore firmly attached to my head by an elastic strap. Another
>>>>>>large scaly hand wrapped itself around my chest, tugging me towards
>>>>>>him. At that point I began to rise. I looked up to see a large pair
>>>>>>of wings moving back and forth towards the ceiling. The dragon took
>>>>>>me out of the door to the living room. Like most doors in homes owned
>>>>>>by dragons, it was situated on the ceiling.
>>>>>>To my great relief, the dragon dropped me onto the thick green carpet,
>>>>>>in front of Aunt Liza. She had returned at last.
>>>>>>I picked myself up, rushing to hug my aunt, who sat propped up with
>>>>>>various cushions on the floor. Both her legs were covered with a
>>>>>>couple of large white plaster casts.
>>>>>> Aunt Liza is very pretty, with light grey skin and long black curly
>>>>>>hair like mine. She wore a loose red dress. Around her neck she had
>>>>>>a black cylinder shape called a Monocular. She used it to help her
>>>>>>see.
>>>>>>Today there was an anxious look in her dark brown eyes. She put on a
>>>>>>bright smile when she saw me, but it did not stay on her face for
>>>>>>long.
>>>>>>"I was so worried about you last night," I complained using Darthrilan
>>>>>>sign language.
>>>>>>"Sorry Nadia. Yesterday I did my parachute training. Unfortunately I
>>>>>>messed up on the landing. If you fetch me one of your picture books I
>>>>>>will read to you."
>>>>>> "I don't want you to read from a picture book today. I want you to
>>>>>>tell me a real live story..."
>>>>>>My aunt gave an exasperated sigh. She sat motionless for a few
>>>>>>minutes, deep in thought.
>>>>>>"Ok, I'll tell you a story then. I'll tell you how you came here in
>>>>>>the first place."
>>>>>>"Wasn't I born here?"
>>>>>>"No, you weren't. You were born in a hospital somewhere in Darthrila.
>>>>>> I forget which one, but after that your mother took you back to
>>>>>>Nazdonia with her. You lived there until your triplet sisters were
>>>>>>born. I took care of you while your mother was in hospital. After
>>>>>>that I felt it necessary to rescue you"
>>>>>>"Why did you do that?"
>>>>>>"Your mother is a wicked witch. You weren't being properly cared for
>>>>>>and she was forever hitting you and your sister, even then"
>>>>>>"Just one sister? I thought you said there were triplets?"
>>>>>>"That's right, but the other two triplets were being cared for by
>>>>>>other relatives as your mother didn't want them around. Anyway your
>>>>>>sister died after your mother shook her. Unfortunately your mother
>>>>>>insisted on keeping you with her, and your father wasn't man enough to
>>>>>>protect you from her, so I had to do something about it"
>>>>>>"How?"
>>>>>>"You were in Darthrila at the time. You were having your cochlear
>>>>>>implant. Normally when you have a cochlear implant you don't get to
>>>>>>stay in hospital for so long as you did. When I had my cochlear
>>>>>>implant, I only stayed overnight and went back home the following
>>>>>>morning.
>>>>>>"However, you were very small and malnourished with a lot of
>>>>>>suspicious looking bruising. The audiologists considered your home
>>>>>>life in Nazdonia too unhealthy to recover in. They were very
>>>>>>concerned about your mother's behaviour. So you stayed in the
>>>>>>children's ward for several weeks.
>>>>>>"Your mother expected you to hear normally straight after you were
>>>>>>implanted. When you obviously couldn't, she got very angry, demanding
>>>>>>a full refund. She put the painful curse on several of the hospital
>>>>>>staff, and even threatened to curse their whole family if they didn't
>>>>>>pay up. In the end she had to be dragged away by the police. They
>>>>>>tried to press charges for harassment, but unfortunately your mother
>>>>>>has connections. My aunt Beria is the chief police officer. Another
>>>>>>police officer is your mother's sister-in-law, P.C. Rickshaw. Beria
>>>>>>and P.C. Rickshaw let family ties interfere with justice. The staff
>>>>>>at the hospital felt they had a very raw deal.
>>>>>> "So they were more then willing to help me get you away from your
>>>>>>mothers clutches. Even without the bribe that I offered them. They
>>>>>>lied to your mother about your activation day"
>>>>>>"What's that mean?"
>>>>>>"That's the day your cochlear implant gets switched on. They have to
>>>>>>let your head heal first before they can expose you to sound. That's
>>>>>>when you first start to hear. Anyway they pretended your activation
>>>>>>day was a week later then it actually was. A nurse sneaked you out
>>>>>>of the hospital. She even helped me to board you onto Talmon's back
>>>>>>after you had been activated. So I flew you here.
>>>>>>"Of course mother soon found out what had happened. Luckily Talmon
>>>>>>was with me. Talmon picked her up in his sharp claws and dropped her
>>>>>>into the sea. The next time she paid us a visit Talmon kept blowing
>>>>>>jets of flames at her, until she agreed to leave our property..."
>>>>>>"She didn't get burnt?"
>>>>>>"No, she is a powerful witch, so she could put up a shielding charm,
>>>>>>to protect her body from the flames. She has never been back with
>>>>>>Talmon guarding us, but I sense her waiting, biding her time to
>>>>>>strike, when Talmon is not around.
>>>>>>"Now that will have to do for a story today. I'm very tired. I didn't
>>>>>>sleep too well in the hospital bed. I was too worried about how you
>>>>>>and Talmon would cope without me. Another thing, Talmon now knows
>>>>>>what human children eat, so you won't get away with omitting the salad
>>>>>>again."
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>Aunt Liza spent a lot of time with me, while her legs were on the
>>>>>>mend. She would read to me from picture books that all seemed to
>>>>>>feature flying children. We would sit on the luxuriously thick
>>>>>>green carpet together. Dragon living quarters are very spacious
>>>>>>affairs. The room was the size of a large hall. The walls were lined
>>>>>>with large metal shelves. The ceiling was so high that it was out of
>>>>>>my range of vision, and so were most of the top shelves. Aunt Liza
>>>>>>told me that there were several hooks on the ceiling where things were
>>>>>>suspended from, including a giant hammock, where Liza and the dragon
>>>>>>sometimes lay together.
>>>>>> I would be scribbling all over Liza's plaster casts when Talmon
>>>>>>came to sit right next to us on the carpet. He watched Liza
>>>>>>intently, through half-closed yellow eyes. His hands would reach out
>>>>>>and stroke my aunt's long curly black hair. His hands were very
>>>>>>similar to human hands except for the scales. His legs were short
>>>>>>and stubby with sharp claws at the end of his feet. Liza regularly
>>>>>>spent time trimming his claws. He had large bat-like wings that he
>>>>>>often stretched, creating a light breeze against my face. When fully
>>>>>>stretched out his wings were twice as long as his body. I used to
>>>>>>peer inquisitively at him, reaching out and stroking his beautiful
>>>>>>shiny back. Aunt Liza would gaze adoringly at him.
>>>>>>At that point Bella would often remind us of her presence by pawing at
>>>>>>us. So I stroked her as well. I was so happy when we were all
>>>>>>together like this.
>>>>>>
>>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>>
>>>>>>At other times my aunt would insist on speaking to me while using a
>>>>>>system that involved special hand movements called cued speech. I
>>>>>>would have to peer into her face in order to read her lips.
>>>>>> "I've been told not to use any sign language with you. Beria says
>>>>>>you don't need sign language with your cochlear implant. She wants
>>>>>>you to just rely on your cochlear implant to hear with. What does she
>>>>>>know about it anyway? She doesn't wear a cochlear implant, like we
>>>>>>do."
>>>>>>"Who's Beria?" I asked, thinking the name sounded familiar. I decided
>>>>>>then and there that I didn't like Beria at all.
>>>>>>"She's my aunt, and her dragon is friends with Talmon. She's got a
>>>>>>deafblind mother who doesn't use sign language, so she assumes the
>>>>>>rest of us shouldn't use it either. I am going to show them all how
>>>>>>well you can do, with both systems. You are not going to have to
>>>>>>strain to lip read and decipher cued speech all the time like I was
>>>>>>put through."
>>>>>>"I thought you said your Nanny was Deaf and used sign language?"
>>>>>>"Yes, that's right. Talmon found Shania for me. She is part of a big
>>>>>>deaf community in Nassoli where I used to live. In Nassoli everyone
>>>>>>signs. I could sign fluently and I was fully literate.
>>>>>>Unfortunately Beria didn't think much of my speech. She said I
>>>>>>wouldn't ever amount to much unless I was taken away from that signing
>>>>>>environment. She persuaded Talmon to have me taught orally at Druzil
>>>>>>School for the Deaf and the Blind.
>>>>>>"Lip-reading is all very well but it involves a lot of guess work.
>>>>>>Especially since I was born profoundly deaf and didn't get a cochlear
>>>>>>implant until I was eighteen as they didn't exist while I was growing
>>>>>>up. Even now with my cochlear implant, I still need to lip read.
>>>>>>There are also times when I have to remove the speech processor to
>>>>>>stop it getting damaged, like when I do my parachute training. I
>>>>>>find the instructions too hard to understand when I'm trying to
>>>>>>decipher their lip patterns. I get so lost that they may as well be
>>>>>>using a foreign language. No wonder I got the instructions wrong and
>>>>>>end up in hospital with two broken legs"
>>>>>>
>>>>>> *** *** **
>>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>In the early hours of the morning Aunt Liza shook me awake. She gave
>>>>>>me some clothes and my hearing devices to wear. I then had to climb
>>>>>>down a ladder into the basement where most of the dogs lived.
>>>>>>"Beauty, Bramble and Beans aren't quite as soft as Bella," my aunt
>>>>>>signed, "Bella's exceptionally good with children, which is why I
>>>>>>trust her to spend so much time in your company. They can be trusted
>>>>>>but I would rather you kept your distance. Don't try to hug or
>>>>>>cuddle them and they should be okay. I've had Beauty for a long
>>>>>>time. She's quite old now. The others are all failed police dogs.
>>>>>>Bella, Bramble and Beans failed because they were too soft. It's not
>>>>>>what they are looking for in a police dog. My other three are more
>>>>>>aggressive. I'm keeping you out of their way until you are older. I
>>>>>>had another dog when I was younger, but your mother set fire to her."
>>>>>>"Why did she do that?" I asked. I was quite horrified at the idea.
>>>>>>"Because she's a cruel hearted monster, that's why. Let's go."
>>>>>> Like most homes in Darthrila, the main entrance was situated on the
>>>>>> roof.
>>>>>> There was a second way out through a dog flap and down a narrow
>>>>>>tunnel in the basement, which the dogs and I used to crawl through.
>>>>>>This led to an outdoor dog run. I could see nothing at all in the
>>>>>>darkness outside. I took a few careful steps forward. My
>>>>>>outstretched hand reached a wire mesh fence. I trailed my hand along
>>>>>>the fence until I could feel the wrought iron gate. I sniffed the
>>>>>>smells from the nearby beach, while I waited for Liza to get there.
>>>>>>Normally the sea air delighted me, but today I felt sad, thinking
>>>>>>about the poor murdered dog.
>>>>>>Aunt Liza was too big to get out of the dog flap. She used to abseil
>>>>>>down from the roof instead.
>>>>>>I felt a sense of relief when Liza's hand touched mine. When Aunt
>>>>>>Liza had told me about my mother burning Liza's dog it reminded me of
>>>>>>the other story, about how I had needed to be rescued. The more I
>>>>>>thought about it, the more fretful I became.
>>>>>>As Liza opened the gate, I felt several furry bodies squeezing past
>>>>>>me. Liza said something I didn't hear, because of the sound of
>>>>>>seagulls and the crashing of waves. Then the dogs started barking.
>>>>>>"Could you please repeat that," I asked, reaching for her hands so I
>>>>>>could feel what she was signing.
>>>>>>"I was talking to the dogs. What's the matter Nadia?" Liza said. As
>>>>>>it was so dark she was using tactile sign language. A system where I
>>>>>>lightly touched her hands while she signed, so I could feel what she
>>>>>>was signing to me.
>>>>>>"You said mother set fire to one of your dogs. Would she set fire to
>>>>>>me
>>>>>> too?"
>>>>>>"She won't get the chance, while you are here with me. You are safe
>>>>>>right now; Talmon is watching us from the roof. He's guarding us..."
>>>>>>I hoped my aunt was right.
>>>>>>"What if she set fire to Talmon?"
>>>>>>"Killing a dragon is a capital offence in Darthrila. The police would
>>>>>>come and execute her. Even Beria's influence wouldn't help for an
>>>>>>offence as serious as that. There would be one wicked witch less in
>>>>>>the world. Wouldn't that be great?"
>>>>>>We both held on to a dog each. They led us for a walk along the sandy
>>>>>>beach, which was not far from where we lived. I could feel the cold
>>>>>>wet sand under my bare feet.
>>>>>>"Quick! Get under this blanket. I think I can hear someone coming" My
>>>>>>aunt signed. I felt my aunt's hands shake as she signed in frantic
>>>>>>jerky movements.
>>>>>>"I thought you said Talmon..."
>>>>>>"Never mind Talmon, you could be dead by the time he gets to us" she
>>>>>>told me. She grabbed me in quivering hands, and pushed me under a
>>>>>>coarse blanket which smelt strongly of dogs. I sensed her fear as we
>>>>>>waited for whoever it was to leave.
>>>>>>
>>>>>>_______________________________________________
>>>>>>Writers Division web site:
>>>>>>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>>><http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>>
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>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>>
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