[stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
Judith Bron
jbron at optonline.net
Sun Sep 6 21:56:41 UTC 2009
Your main character is not a fantasy character, but a human in the custody
of her witch mother. Perhaps, "Reality on a Broom Stick". I don't expect
you to take that seriously. But don't confuse your audience into expecting
the main character to possess super human qualities. Judith
----- Original Message -----
From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 3:55 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
> Hi Judith,
> Thanks for the suggested titles. I'll have to think about that.
> It was originally called "The Squib" but now I'm no longer using that
> word it changed to "A Deafblind girl".
> Maybe I could just call it "Dragons and Dumans"?
>
> Helene
>
> On 06/09/2009, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
>> Here's just a few ideas that can be disregarded with no problem:
>> The Disappointment
>> Wrong Gender
>> Never to be Right
>>
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 12:35 AM
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
>>
>>
>>> Hi James and Judith,
>>> I'm glad you liked my story.
>>>
>>> The origin of the title is because Nadia disapoints her mom on three
>>> accounts:
>>>
>>> She's born female when her mom wanted a son.
>>> Shes a Duman instead of being magically able.
>>> She's still deafblind despite having eye surgery and and a Cochlear
>>> implant.
>>>
>>> It's not totally fixed though. If a better title came up and maybe
>>> made it more publishable I'd go for it.
>>>
>>> Helene.
>>>
>>> On 06/09/2009, James Canaday M.A. N6YR <n6yr at sunflower.com> wrote:
>>>> Helene,
>>>> I was thinking about your book during my long walk with my dog this
>>>> afternoon.
>>>>
>>>> I like your writing, it is engaging and vivid. in fact, sometimes it
>>>> seems likt it could use a little scene and landscape just to pace it
>>>> a little, it moves so flat-out. but that's not such a bad thing.
>>>>
>>>> my major comment is this: "a defblind girl" as a title? I also like
>>>> shorter titles. but perhaps a title more tied to the magic, or the
>>>> emotional struggles in the story would fit better and would better
>>>> identify your story.
>>>>
>>>> I do not like long titles like: "Upon the upside of the towering rock
>>>> in the town square, or: how I lost my sense of innocence and became
>>>> an adult in the 20th century upon my 21st birthday in an accident ..."
>>>> I was required to make my masters thesis title far clugier than I
>>>> wanted. I think its maybe fourteen words long!
>>>>
>>>> anyway, keep the simplicity of the title, but perhaps closer to the
>>>> characters or the story?
>>>>
>>>> reads very well Helene!
>>>>
>>>> oh, I think "snuck" might be better in that one place than "sneaked."
>>>> jc
>>>> Jim Canaday M.A.
>>>> Lawrence, KS
>>>>
>>>> At 03:49 PM 9/5/2009, you wrote:
>>>>>Chapter 2
>>>>>First memories by Nadia Murat (1989)
>>>>>
>>>>>Where has Aunt Liza got to? She should be here by now, but she wasn't.
>>>>>I lay huddled on my bedroom floor, feeling more anxious by the minute.
>>>>>A wet and slightly abrasive tongue licks my face. It was Bella the
>>>>>Growlin Shepherd, a failed police dog who slept on the bottom bunk.
>>>>>I let her continue to lick my face. Then I wrapped my arms around her
>>>>>large furry neck.
>>>>>We were in a large spacious room full of toys and picture books. I
>>>>>had a bunk bed that I shared with Bella. She had the bottom bunk and I
>>>>>slept in the top.
>>>>> We had been expecting Liza to arrive soon after my babysitter left
>>>>>for the day, only she left hours ago. Where on earth could my aunt
>>>>>have got to?
>>>>>My anxiety rose as the sun stopped shining from my small slit of a
>>>>>bedroom window. We began to get very anxious.
>>>>>My aunt did not come back that night.
>>>>>Instead the dragon came. He was about twelve foot long and four foot
>>>>>high. His beautiful copper coloured skin had a lovely smooth texture
>>>>>to it. I usually loved to stroke him, but today I was too worried
>>>>>about my aunt's failure to arrive.
>>>>>"I want my auntie. Where is she?" I demanded, stamping my foot.
>>>>>Suddenly, an image of Liza flashed into my mind. The image came from
>>>>>the Dragon who was communicating to me using Dramic, which is a
>>>>>telepathic language via words and images.
>>>>>In this image I saw Liza in a whitewashed hallway full of sick people.
>>>>> She was lying down in a sort of large trolley. There was something
>>>>>wrong with her legs, which were at an odd angle. She seemed to be in
>>>>>a lot of pain. I recognised that place. I'd been there before but I
>>>>>couldn't remember when. I just remembered that it smelt strongly of
>>>>>disinfectant and the well lit waiting room lights had hurt my eyes.
>>>>>I next visualized a bowl of dog food.
>>>>>"I can't eat that," I protested in sign language.
>>>>>I visualized a little girl with an empty bowl. The message ended with
>>>>>a question mark.
>>>>>"Ice-cream, candy and a large packet of cookies," I told him. This
>>>>>was not my usual diet but the dragon didn't seem to know this. He
>>>>>came back with the food I had asked for. I shared the rest of the
>>>>>cookies with Bella after she had finished her dog food.
>>>>>The food distracted me for a short while, but once it had been eaten
>>>>>my anxiety returned with renewed force. What was wrong with my aunt's
>>>>>legs? Would she ever be ok again? I was unable to get to sleep so I
>>>>>began to pace from my bedroom to the toilet and back. My stomach felt
>>>>>very delicate. I ended up returning most of the food that the dragon
>>>>>had brought me in the toilet, which fortunately was next door to my
>>>>>bedroom.
>>>>>What would I do if Aunt Liza never came back? Even Bella's furry form
>>>>>was unable to pacify me for long.
>>>>>
>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>
>>>>>I woke to feel a scaly hand nudging me, handing me my aphakic glasses
>>>>>which I wore firmly attached to my head by an elastic strap. Another
>>>>>large scaly hand wrapped itself around my chest, tugging me towards
>>>>>him. At that point I began to rise. I looked up to see a large pair
>>>>>of wings moving back and forth towards the ceiling. The dragon took
>>>>>me out of the door to the living room. Like most doors in homes owned
>>>>>by dragons, it was situated on the ceiling.
>>>>>To my great relief, the dragon dropped me onto the thick green carpet,
>>>>>in front of Aunt Liza. She had returned at last.
>>>>>I picked myself up, rushing to hug my aunt, who sat propped up with
>>>>>various cushions on the floor. Both her legs were covered with a
>>>>>couple of large white plaster casts.
>>>>> Aunt Liza is very pretty, with light grey skin and long black curly
>>>>>hair like mine. She wore a loose red dress. Around her neck she had
>>>>>a black cylinder shape called a Monocular. She used it to help her
>>>>>see.
>>>>>Today there was an anxious look in her dark brown eyes. She put on a
>>>>>bright smile when she saw me, but it did not stay on her face for
>>>>>long.
>>>>>"I was so worried about you last night," I complained using Darthrilan
>>>>>sign language.
>>>>>"Sorry Nadia. Yesterday I did my parachute training. Unfortunately I
>>>>>messed up on the landing. If you fetch me one of your picture books I
>>>>>will read to you."
>>>>> "I don't want you to read from a picture book today. I want you to
>>>>>tell me a real live story..."
>>>>>My aunt gave an exasperated sigh. She sat motionless for a few
>>>>>minutes, deep in thought.
>>>>>"Ok, I'll tell you a story then. I'll tell you how you came here in
>>>>>the first place."
>>>>>"Wasn't I born here?"
>>>>>"No, you weren't. You were born in a hospital somewhere in Darthrila.
>>>>> I forget which one, but after that your mother took you back to
>>>>>Nazdonia with her. You lived there until your triplet sisters were
>>>>>born. I took care of you while your mother was in hospital. After
>>>>>that I felt it necessary to rescue you"
>>>>>"Why did you do that?"
>>>>>"Your mother is a wicked witch. You weren't being properly cared for
>>>>>and she was forever hitting you and your sister, even then"
>>>>>"Just one sister? I thought you said there were triplets?"
>>>>>"That's right, but the other two triplets were being cared for by
>>>>>other relatives as your mother didn't want them around. Anyway your
>>>>>sister died after your mother shook her. Unfortunately your mother
>>>>>insisted on keeping you with her, and your father wasn't man enough to
>>>>>protect you from her, so I had to do something about it"
>>>>>"How?"
>>>>>"You were in Darthrila at the time. You were having your cochlear
>>>>>implant. Normally when you have a cochlear implant you don't get to
>>>>>stay in hospital for so long as you did. When I had my cochlear
>>>>>implant, I only stayed overnight and went back home the following
>>>>>morning.
>>>>>"However, you were very small and malnourished with a lot of
>>>>>suspicious looking bruising. The audiologists considered your home
>>>>>life in Nazdonia too unhealthy to recover in. They were very
>>>>>concerned about your mother's behaviour. So you stayed in the
>>>>>children's ward for several weeks.
>>>>>"Your mother expected you to hear normally straight after you were
>>>>>implanted. When you obviously couldn't, she got very angry, demanding
>>>>>a full refund. She put the painful curse on several of the hospital
>>>>>staff, and even threatened to curse their whole family if they didn't
>>>>>pay up. In the end she had to be dragged away by the police. They
>>>>>tried to press charges for harassment, but unfortunately your mother
>>>>>has connections. My aunt Beria is the chief police officer. Another
>>>>>police officer is your mother's sister-in-law, P.C. Rickshaw. Beria
>>>>>and P.C. Rickshaw let family ties interfere with justice. The staff
>>>>>at the hospital felt they had a very raw deal.
>>>>> "So they were more then willing to help me get you away from your
>>>>>mothers clutches. Even without the bribe that I offered them. They
>>>>>lied to your mother about your activation day"
>>>>>"What's that mean?"
>>>>>"That's the day your cochlear implant gets switched on. They have to
>>>>>let your head heal first before they can expose you to sound. That's
>>>>>when you first start to hear. Anyway they pretended your activation
>>>>>day was a week later then it actually was. A nurse sneaked you out
>>>>>of the hospital. She even helped me to board you onto Talmon's back
>>>>>after you had been activated. So I flew you here.
>>>>>"Of course mother soon found out what had happened. Luckily Talmon
>>>>>was with me. Talmon picked her up in his sharp claws and dropped her
>>>>>into the sea. The next time she paid us a visit Talmon kept blowing
>>>>>jets of flames at her, until she agreed to leave our property..."
>>>>>"She didn't get burnt?"
>>>>>"No, she is a powerful witch, so she could put up a shielding charm,
>>>>>to protect her body from the flames. She has never been back with
>>>>>Talmon guarding us, but I sense her waiting, biding her time to
>>>>>strike, when Talmon is not around.
>>>>>"Now that will have to do for a story today. I'm very tired. I didn't
>>>>>sleep too well in the hospital bed. I was too worried about how you
>>>>>and Talmon would cope without me. Another thing, Talmon now knows
>>>>>what human children eat, so you won't get away with omitting the salad
>>>>>again."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>Aunt Liza spent a lot of time with me, while her legs were on the
>>>>>mend. She would read to me from picture books that all seemed to
>>>>>feature flying children. We would sit on the luxuriously thick
>>>>>green carpet together. Dragon living quarters are very spacious
>>>>>affairs. The room was the size of a large hall. The walls were lined
>>>>>with large metal shelves. The ceiling was so high that it was out of
>>>>>my range of vision, and so were most of the top shelves. Aunt Liza
>>>>>told me that there were several hooks on the ceiling where things were
>>>>>suspended from, including a giant hammock, where Liza and the dragon
>>>>>sometimes lay together.
>>>>> I would be scribbling all over Liza's plaster casts when Talmon
>>>>>came to sit right next to us on the carpet. He watched Liza
>>>>>intently, through half-closed yellow eyes. His hands would reach out
>>>>>and stroke my aunt's long curly black hair. His hands were very
>>>>>similar to human hands except for the scales. His legs were short
>>>>>and stubby with sharp claws at the end of his feet. Liza regularly
>>>>>spent time trimming his claws. He had large bat-like wings that he
>>>>>often stretched, creating a light breeze against my face. When fully
>>>>>stretched out his wings were twice as long as his body. I used to
>>>>>peer inquisitively at him, reaching out and stroking his beautiful
>>>>>shiny back. Aunt Liza would gaze adoringly at him.
>>>>>At that point Bella would often remind us of her presence by pawing at
>>>>>us. So I stroked her as well. I was so happy when we were all
>>>>>together like this.
>>>>>
>>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>>
>>>>>At other times my aunt would insist on speaking to me while using a
>>>>>system that involved special hand movements called cued speech. I
>>>>>would have to peer into her face in order to read her lips.
>>>>> "I've been told not to use any sign language with you. Beria says
>>>>>you don't need sign language with your cochlear implant. She wants
>>>>>you to just rely on your cochlear implant to hear with. What does she
>>>>>know about it anyway? She doesn't wear a cochlear implant, like we
>>>>>do."
>>>>>"Who's Beria?" I asked, thinking the name sounded familiar. I decided
>>>>>then and there that I didn't like Beria at all.
>>>>>"She's my aunt, and her dragon is friends with Talmon. She's got a
>>>>>deafblind mother who doesn't use sign language, so she assumes the
>>>>>rest of us shouldn't use it either. I am going to show them all how
>>>>>well you can do, with both systems. You are not going to have to
>>>>>strain to lip read and decipher cued speech all the time like I was
>>>>>put through."
>>>>>"I thought you said your Nanny was Deaf and used sign language?"
>>>>>"Yes, that's right. Talmon found Shania for me. She is part of a big
>>>>>deaf community in Nassoli where I used to live. In Nassoli everyone
>>>>>signs. I could sign fluently and I was fully literate.
>>>>>Unfortunately Beria didn't think much of my speech. She said I
>>>>>wouldn't ever amount to much unless I was taken away from that signing
>>>>>environment. She persuaded Talmon to have me taught orally at Druzil
>>>>>School for the Deaf and the Blind.
>>>>>"Lip-reading is all very well but it involves a lot of guess work.
>>>>>Especially since I was born profoundly deaf and didn't get a cochlear
>>>>>implant until I was eighteen as they didn't exist while I was growing
>>>>>up. Even now with my cochlear implant, I still need to lip read.
>>>>>There are also times when I have to remove the speech processor to
>>>>>stop it getting damaged, like when I do my parachute training. I
>>>>>find the instructions too hard to understand when I'm trying to
>>>>>decipher their lip patterns. I get so lost that they may as well be
>>>>>using a foreign language. No wonder I got the instructions wrong and
>>>>>end up in hospital with two broken legs"
>>>>>
>>>>> *** *** **
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>In the early hours of the morning Aunt Liza shook me awake. She gave
>>>>>me some clothes and my hearing devices to wear. I then had to climb
>>>>>down a ladder into the basement where most of the dogs lived.
>>>>>"Beauty, Bramble and Beans aren't quite as soft as Bella," my aunt
>>>>>signed, "Bella's exceptionally good with children, which is why I
>>>>>trust her to spend so much time in your company. They can be trusted
>>>>>but I would rather you kept your distance. Don't try to hug or
>>>>>cuddle them and they should be okay. I've had Beauty for a long
>>>>>time. She's quite old now. The others are all failed police dogs.
>>>>>Bella, Bramble and Beans failed because they were too soft. It's not
>>>>>what they are looking for in a police dog. My other three are more
>>>>>aggressive. I'm keeping you out of their way until you are older. I
>>>>>had another dog when I was younger, but your mother set fire to her."
>>>>>"Why did she do that?" I asked. I was quite horrified at the idea.
>>>>>"Because she's a cruel hearted monster, that's why. Let's go."
>>>>> Like most homes in Darthrila, the main entrance was situated on the
>>>>> roof.
>>>>> There was a second way out through a dog flap and down a narrow
>>>>>tunnel in the basement, which the dogs and I used to crawl through.
>>>>>This led to an outdoor dog run. I could see nothing at all in the
>>>>>darkness outside. I took a few careful steps forward. My
>>>>>outstretched hand reached a wire mesh fence. I trailed my hand along
>>>>>the fence until I could feel the wrought iron gate. I sniffed the
>>>>>smells from the nearby beach, while I waited for Liza to get there.
>>>>>Normally the sea air delighted me, but today I felt sad, thinking
>>>>>about the poor murdered dog.
>>>>>Aunt Liza was too big to get out of the dog flap. She used to abseil
>>>>>down from the roof instead.
>>>>>I felt a sense of relief when Liza's hand touched mine. When Aunt
>>>>>Liza had told me about my mother burning Liza's dog it reminded me of
>>>>>the other story, about how I had needed to be rescued. The more I
>>>>>thought about it, the more fretful I became.
>>>>>As Liza opened the gate, I felt several furry bodies squeezing past
>>>>>me. Liza said something I didn't hear, because of the sound of
>>>>>seagulls and the crashing of waves. Then the dogs started barking.
>>>>>"Could you please repeat that," I asked, reaching for her hands so I
>>>>>could feel what she was signing.
>>>>>"I was talking to the dogs. What's the matter Nadia?" Liza said. As
>>>>>it was so dark she was using tactile sign language. A system where I
>>>>>lightly touched her hands while she signed, so I could feel what she
>>>>>was signing to me.
>>>>>"You said mother set fire to one of your dogs. Would she set fire to
>>>>>me
>>>>> too?"
>>>>>"She won't get the chance, while you are here with me. You are safe
>>>>>right now; Talmon is watching us from the roof. He's guarding us..."
>>>>>I hoped my aunt was right.
>>>>>"What if she set fire to Talmon?"
>>>>>"Killing a dragon is a capital offence in Darthrila. The police would
>>>>>come and execute her. Even Beria's influence wouldn't help for an
>>>>>offence as serious as that. There would be one wicked witch less in
>>>>>the world. Wouldn't that be great?"
>>>>>We both held on to a dog each. They led us for a walk along the sandy
>>>>>beach, which was not far from where we lived. I could feel the cold
>>>>>wet sand under my bare feet.
>>>>>"Quick! Get under this blanket. I think I can hear someone coming" My
>>>>>aunt signed. I felt my aunt's hands shake as she signed in frantic
>>>>>jerky movements.
>>>>>"I thought you said Talmon..."
>>>>>"Never mind Talmon, you could be dead by the time he gets to us" she
>>>>>told me. She grabbed me in quivering hands, and pushed me under a
>>>>>coarse blanket which smelt strongly of dogs. I sensed her fear as we
>>>>>waited for whoever it was to leave.
>>>>>
>>>>>_______________________________________________
>>>>>Writers Division web site:
>>>>>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>>><http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>>>>
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>>>>
>>>>
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>>>
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>>
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>
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