[stylist] FLM Chapter 3 for your consideration

Thu Sep 10 04:44:24 UTC 2009

Here's chapter 3. Here's the big secret. Glen's hands are mentioned in the chapter, by the way. For now I'm leaving them cold and clammy in chapter 1 because Judy isn't worried about them. She knows them. I'll work on rewriting chapter 1 or at least part of it but not now. Enjoy. 

Flirting with Monday
chapter 3

The Friday after we sat by the tracks, Judy drove me to the offices of Dr. Lee Meadows, the psychologist she knew from the commuter route. She said nothing, only met me off the last train and became my own personal hero. I was nervous and I was sick at heart. I had never told anyone about Elizabeth and how I got her pregnant before we were supposed to get married. I was going to do the right thing we were going to get married and raise the baby. But then she didn't show up at the wedding and four months later when I got back from my first job with the Union Pacific I found a letter from my mother in Oregon that said that Elizabeth had contacted her to say that Allison was a girl and I wouldn't be allowed to see her. I couldn't even go to court to get my daughter, she hadn't put my name on the birth certificate. The girl's name was Allison May Handling, not Allison May Streicher. I felt a ball squeezing me inside. I had a daughter and her mother wouldn't let me see her. I used the train to escape. Somehow I was afraid that Judy would leave me if she found I had a daughter. The girl had to be twenty years old now. When I told Dr. Lee Meadows all of this he was patient. He let me lie against that couch sick and sobbing. It was my own fault, I shouldn't have gotten her pregnant, and now I didn't even know where she was. On those little whistle stops we took where you see five or ten or even one person get on the train I would wonder if she was among the newcomers, but then I was focused on looking at signals and talking to dispatch, and getting us safe and sound to wherever we were going. I didn't really have time to think about Allison May Handling. Elizabeth wouldn't let me see her and I didn't fight it. But it nagged me like a thorn in the rest of my life. Having that daughter and not knowing anything, knowing she was part of me and I had no part of her drained what energy there was after the crazy hours I kept with the railroads. It kept me from forming relationships on a permanent basis. Waving to railfans, talking to people at stations, that was allfine. But thinking of anything seriously was out of the question. That didn't happen till I settled down and got the house and Magnet, Vincent, and Angel. Now I couldn't run and part of me was just tired of running. Judy in her own way, without trying, was making me face my own fears. It wasn't very pleasant, but I had to do it. If I didn't face them I would just end up selling the house and giving up this pretty decent job, and if I had done that, I would never have met Judy flower. Lee Meadows didn't say anything. He only sat there and waited for me to finish spilling my guts, something I hadn't had the courage to do with Judy. When our time was up, he shook my hand and looked intently at me.

"Judy loves you, Glen," was all he said. Don't forget that. Just let her love you." 

Judy held a book on her lap. I came and sat down beside her, sighing heavily. She turned quiet, green eyes to my face. 

"You've been crying," she said, taking my hand. "Are you feeling better?"

"No."

"Well, lets go eat. I want to look at you. I love you, you know that."

I nodded and we walked out together in silence. We found ourselves at a small, Mexican hacienda style restaurant, dimly lit, with excellent food, and some quiet tables in the back. We escaped to one of them away from the noise and the crowds. I didn't want noise. I didn't want crowds. I wanted Judy and silence and good food to soothe my hot tears. Judy was patient as the waiter set steaming oval platters of cheese and chicken enchiladas in front of us, smothered in green sauce. She didn't ask me to tell her anything. I sat there wearily, my hands on the table. Judy reached forward and took them. I squeezed them. 

"You want to know what happened today," I said, weariness lacing my voice. 

"You tell me when you can it's okay."

"I'll tell you, but not now." I took one of my hands and rubbed my eyes. "I'm glad tomorrow is Saturday. I need to just lay on the couch and watch TV."

"You do that," she said. "I need to go to the church and help the ladies with a baby shower. I'll come by later on in the evening."

"Please do that," I said, needing this girls' strength. Monday morning I would have to be happy and cheerful and smiling. That was the way I didn't feel right now.  

There was no conversation as we drove silently to my white, small house on Cleveland Avenue. The closing of the passenger and driver's doors echoed in the silence of the late evening. Our feet scraped across the cobblestones, tracking gently through the short, green grass of the front lawn. Judy stood behind me as the keys rattled against the wooden door and I opened it into the peace of that house. The keys clattered painfully against the table inside the entry hallway. We both listened for the sound of running feet and impatient barking, and soon the white floppy-eared Magnet came out to meet us. She practically hurled herself into Judy's outstretched arms.

"Hey" she said, "You look darling. Darling! Are you keeping Angel happy?"

It was fun to watch these two interact. I was tired but I didn't want to let her go; not just yet. I made my way into the living room. Judy stood at the door.

"I should go, Glenn," she said, perhaps a little hesitantly. She was still petting Magnet. 

"Why? It's the weekend."

"You've had a long day. Maybe you want some time to yourself."

I came up to Judy, stood in front of her, my face somber. 

"What is it, honey?" she said. "You look so serious."

I pointed to the couch. It was clean and orderly. The mess was in the bedroom.

"Can you stay for a while? We both don't have to be at work in the morning."

"I know," she said quietly. She came and sat down where I pointed. I sat down next to her. I reached out and took her hand, laying it on my knee. She looked up at my face.  Silence passed between us. Magnet and Angel were out somewhere, they had left us alone. 

"Next week," I said. "After I get home from seeing Dr. Meadows. I want to cook for you. I appreciate you driving."

"Sure," she said. "Is Dr. Meadows helping?"

I don't know," I said truthfully. "I hope so. I will know more on Monday after I've had a few days to think about this. Or not think about it. Tomorrow I just need a break."

"I know," she said sympathetically. She curled my fingers through her's, feeling some scars that had appeared over time when I had done engine repairs and gone hiking and cut myself on some rocks. These hands had a lifetime of memories to share. I knew that Judy would want to hear about all of them. There would be time for that. But for now, I wanted to step away from the raw angry scar that was my past. I was slowly starting to open up to Judy but there was only so much I could do at a time. 

"I have to go," she whispered. "The baby shower."

Suddenly I remembered she had said she was going to help with a baby shower. It reminded me of Allison and my eyes filled with tears.

"What is it?" she said. She looked a little bit tired, but patient.

I let the tears drip down my face and then I took a deep breath. 

"Judy," I said my voice shaking, "I want to tell you the rest of that story. It has to do with the baby shower." 

Judy sat back and curled her fingers through mine. The weariness seemed to leave her face. Her look told me she had all night. When I finished, she cried with me, holding me, mixing our tears, as if it was she who had been in this event. She kept wiping my face. We sat there for a long time, just holding.

"Do you want to find her?" Judy asked quietly. "Allison?"

"Sometimes," I admitted. 

"And Elizabeth?" she asked, probing just a bit deeper. I sighed.

"No," I admitted. "No if I have ever wanted to find anyone it would be my daughter." 

Judy sat here holding me for another long moment. She looked up at me with total acceptance, her eyes told me I didn't need to be afraid anymore.

"You have a daughter," she said as if awe struck. "She might look like you." The silence lengthened, we curled up together as if protecting each other from something, or maybe just because the human contact would sustain me. It had taken me two years to admit this to her, and now that it was done there wasn't anything either of us needed to say. Words couldn't bring my daughter to me. Judy hugged me tighter, kept caressing my face. 

"Maybe she likes trains," Judy said lightly, making me laugh. Judy could always make me laugh at the most painful moments. A smile tugged at the corners of my mouth and she returned it. We didn't say anything else for a long time; she only held me, caressing me wit her eyes, loving me despite what I hadn't been able to tell her for two years. 

"Glen," she spoke my name softly, I looked at her face, "this is what has bothered you so long?" I nodded. "I see," she said into my eyes. "I see. And I understand that you would have loved her." 

Shelley J. Alongi 
Home Office: (714)869-3207
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updated July 2, 2009