[stylist] DBG: cleaner version of chapter 5.

[LoriStay at aol.com]

Not much time for work this month as it is chock full of Jewish holidays.   
but I'll put a few notes here for Chapter 5.

Its several years
For this use of the word "It's" there is an apostrophe, since it is a 
condensation of the words It is.
But in this case, I think I'd say:   It was several years...   or even, it 
had been several years.

Watch your tenses, and try not to switch.

In the next sentence you say:   The problem is that...   Wrong tense.   Put 
it in the past:   The problem was that...   But also, a phrase like that 
might easily be eliminated.   You can say:   People in Nazdonia hate dragons 
(Don't need to capitalize dragons).   It's then obvious you're setting the 
stage, or presenting the problem.

 and
sit perch on our roofs,
the word you want is perched:   p e r c h e d.

some dragons have
been known to remove a villager’s legs first.
And then what?   The villager dies?   That's what would happen, after all.  
 Loss of blood, etc.


We tried telling Liza about this, but she won’t believe us.  
Say:   wouldn't believe

 common nine carrot
gold; 
carrot (c a r r o t) is a vegetable.
The word you want is carat: c a r a t

Any other day will do
just fine"
Need a period before the quote marks here.

 I suspected that the dragon maybe lurking,
Wrong word:   maybe should be might be.   Also, if you want to leave it, 
then may be   would be two words.   (But may be equals present tense)
In other words;   The criminal may be lurking round the corner.   But if it 
the story is in the past tense (choose one!), the word is might.

"I want Beria and Madrella to drop dead!"
I sighed.  Liza can be incredibly childish for a fully grown woman.
Agreed.   Do you want her to be that childish?

oversexed dragon?   Was the dragon having sex with Liza?   Otherwise, who 
cares if it's oversexed?

 We have blind and
deafblind people here at Nassoli too.    They are sad at first, but
they get used to it eventually.
If you are writing for the sighted world, this will be questioned.

 Saying anything in the least bit
negative about Talmon often resulted in Liza storming off in a Tizzy.
Tizzy does not need to be capitalized.

What I see with this chapter is that it is mostly background material.   
Choose between writing a history, and writing a story happening "Now."   (In 
quotes)
If you need the history, include it in the story, but not as a big chunk 
like this.
Lori