[stylist] DBG: cleaner version of chapter 5.

[helene ryles]

Hi Lora,
Thanks for your feedback.
There are a lot of flashbacks in this chapter.

"If you are writing for the sighted world, this will be questioned."
One of the aims of this book is to try and show that blindess or even
deafblindess isn't just doom and gloom. When blind people fail to
adapt it's because they aren't given a chance to move forward, as in
the case with Liza's mom.

The dragons usually seal up the wound before they put the humans down.
As I said before Dragons of this nature just see humans the way we see
other animals. They don't want to kill the human, but their needs come
before that of the human and they would probably want to justify their
actions to themselves (since dragons do have a concience) by seeling
up the stump and stuffing money in the human's pocket. Even though
such an act isn't even legal in Darthrilia itself.

You think that Liza is a bit too childish then. She's in a bad
situation and doesn't know what to do soshe resorts to being childish.
Would it be better just to have her shrug helplessly.

The aims of this chapter is to give a little more of Liza's history
form another perspective. Plus show another perspective on the view of
dragons.

Helene


On 18/09/2009, LoriStay at aol.com <LoriStay at aol.com> wrote:
> Not much time for work this month as it is chock full of Jewish holidays.
> but I'll put a few notes here for Chapter 5.
>
> Its several years
> For this use of the word "It's" there is an apostrophe, since it is a
> condensation of the words It is.
> But in this case, I think I'd say:   It was several years...   or even, it
> had been several years.
>
> Watch your tenses, and try not to switch.
>
> In the next sentence you say:   The problem is that...   Wrong tense.   Put
> it in the past:   The problem was that...   But also, a phrase like that
> might easily be eliminated.   You can say:   People in Nazdonia hate dragons
> (Don't need to capitalize dragons).   It's then obvious you're setting the
> stage, or presenting the problem.
>
>  and
> sit perch on our roofs,
> the word you want is perched:   p e r c h e d.
>
> some dragons have
> been known to remove a villager’s legs first.
> And then what?   The villager dies?   That's what would happen, after all.
>  Loss of blood, etc.
>
>
> We tried telling Liza about this, but she won’t believe us.
> Say:   wouldn't believe
>
>  common nine carrot
> gold;
> carrot (c a r r o t) is a vegetable.
> The word you want is carat: c a r a t
>
> Any other day will do
> just fine"
> Need a period before the quote marks here.
>
>  I suspected that the dragon maybe lurking,
> Wrong word:   maybe should be might be.   Also, if you want to leave it,
> then may be   would be two words.   (But may be equals present tense)
> In other words;   The criminal may be lurking round the corner.   But if it
> the story is in the past tense (choose one!), the word is might.
>
> "I want Beria and Madrella to drop dead!"
> I sighed.  Liza can be incredibly childish for a fully grown woman.
> Agreed.   Do you want her to be that childish?
>
> oversexed dragon?   Was the dragon having sex with Liza?   Otherwise, who
> cares if it's oversexed?
>
>  We have blind and
> deafblind people here at Nassoli too.    They are sad at first, but
> they get used to it eventually.
> If you are writing for the sighted world, this will be questioned.
>
>  Saying anything in the least bit
> negative about Talmon often resulted in Liza storming off in a Tizzy.
> Tizzy does not need to be capitalized.
>
> What I see with this chapter is that it is mostly background material.
> Choose between writing a history, and writing a story happening "Now."   (In
> quotes)
> If you need the history, include it in the story, but not as a big chunk
> like this.
> Lori
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