[stylist] Angels Light Chapter One

[LoriStay at aol.com]

I tend to see the negative, or perhaps only mention the negative, so bear 
that in mind here and apologies ahead!
Read on. 

> The snow was lightly falling on this Christmas night
> 
This puts your story into the passive mode, something I didn't see in the 
first paragraph!   Since you begin so actively, you might want to rephrase 
the sentence leaving out the word "was.
(was falling becomes fell, as an example)

The streets
were quiet and filled with a little bit of snow
Again, the word "were" puts this into the passive mode.
Maybe:   Small amounts of snow covered the quiet streets...

 He had He had no idea
A little proofing needed here.

Quite a lot of usage of the word "was" -- you might want to change that.   
I call it the WAS virus, or the WERE virus.   It tends to infect the writing 
of rough drafts.

There was something primative
There is no letter a in the word primitive

Nameless, she stood for him around the corner.
What does this mean?

 A blast of wind and snow shot angelus in the face.
need a capital for the name here


 It was just and allusion,
homophones have attacked you here.
Check the spelling.   There is no a in illusion, and no d in an.

All that he would be able to remember was his name and the languages
that he spoke to keep himself alive.  The winters here were harsh.
Maybe:   All that he would be able to remember in the harsh winters of 
(wherever he is) was...

 his woolen night gown. 
nightgown is one word

onto a cobble stone
cobblestone is one word

 Struggling not to scream and cry out
in pain, and fear for his life,
I think what you mean here is "afraid for his life..."

 He just saw the sky starting to clear up
most of the time the word "just" is unnecessary.
If you want to point out that he didn't see the monster, you can say,
"He saw only the sky..."

Occasional does not contain the letter t


 Was any of
this for real?
leave out the word "for"


 masses each ay.
missing a d in day

changed dso completely,
Oh.   I just found the d!
(no d in so)

Don't mind me.   It's late, and I can't help this sort of nitpicking.   
Must be the editor in me!

 He was
grateful for watever had saved him.
whatever contains an h

 A new pang of
fear shot through angelus
Needs capital for his name.

Angelus
demanded excittedly of his angel.
Only one t in excitedly

They do say to avoid the l y ending.   So you might just say Angelus 
demanded, and leave it at that.

Her movements were flowing into one another.
Another attack of the WERE virus!

Hysteria
was shaking his body.
The WAS virus strikes also.

 "Are you not afraid of a monster like me? she with wariness, almost
dead,  in her tone.
need a final quote after the question mark.   But also, this is a very odd 
construction.   with wariness, almost dead, in her tone??   Just leave the 
whole phrase out.   The question itself marks her as wary, or monstrous.

 I am in much agony when you are gone."
leave out the word "much"

 "I don't think that hyou're a monsterous being," said Angelus
plainly.
Why plainly?   why h before you're?
 Is that how you spell monstrous?   You've spelled it two different ways.

Oh well.   Instead of my nitpicking, kindly send your chapter through the 
spell check.   Thanks.
Lori